She's So Mean (Invincible rewrite)
by ralynsevenfoldd
Summary: "I just wanted to help someone instead of hurt them..." Old school Degrassi. Spinner/OC
1. I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

**Disclaimer and junk: DEGRASSI THROWBACK FIC. This is a reboot of Invincible, the Degrassi fic I wrote and posted in 2011, I no longe have access to the account it's posted under but if you'd like to read, my old pen name is Wasting Words. This takes place in a weird gray area beyond season 5/6, cause old school Degrassi is the best Degrassi. Spinner/OC. Please keep in mind, this is early DTNG so any events I write about past JT's death is PURELY coincidental.**

"Mama, I awake!" A tiny voice spoke, stirring her from her slumber. She mumbled, feeling blindly for the alarm clock.

"Mama! It's time to get up, stop sleeping! Mamaaaaaa." The entirely too awake at an ungodly hour little boy called again, reaching out a chubby toddler finger to poke his mother in the nose.

Startled, she jolted upright, wiping the sleep out of her eyes, "Alright, dude, I'm up. I'm up..." she muttered.

4:30 am.

4:30 am in _Canada_. It only took 5 hours and 16 minutes to flee from her old town in Michigan to Toronto. She pressed her lips against the two year olds forehead before retrieving his breakfast of string cheese, mandarin oranges and chocolate milk from the mini fridge the motel offered. The picky eating stage was real.

She turned the outdated tv to some kids show on public access and motioned for her child to sit in front of the table and eat.

"Ready for a fresh start, B? This glorious, luxurious, shit hole of a motel is our home now." She said, stealing an orange slice from the plastic cup.

"YEAH!"

"That's my boy! Eat up, dude, after Mom gets ready its time to brush teef." She high-fived her son and walked to the bathroom, a whole three steps away from the living area, to get ready for the day.

She studied herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. Midnight blue hair tumbled to her rib cage, a wonderful contrast to her pale skin, and deep green eyes—the only thing Bentley had inherited from her—were lined with thick lashes. She thanked the universe every day her son was blessed with his fathers Greek heritage; olive skin, even in the dead of winter, and rich chestnut hair. Lucky boy.

She pulled her hair into a fishtail braid, tugging at them to shape them into a heart, concealed the dark circles under her eyes, and swiped a few coats of mascara on her lashes. Ah, the simplicity of motherhood, the joys of never having time to make yourself look good but making damn sure your kid was the best dressed in daycare. "Get in here and brush your teeth, dude!"

"Mama, I'm Batman and Batman doesn't _need_ to brush his teeth." Toddler sass never gets old.

"Even super hero's need to brush their teeth, dude." She sighed, crouching down to toddler height to brush the boys teeth. Not before picking bits of string cheese out of his hair and off his face, of course. She pulled a long sleeved thermal over his head, layering a hoodie that read 'Straight Outta Time Out' over it. She rubbed some moose in her hands and tousled his hair into the most adorable toddler faux hawk you'd ever laid eyes on, and instructed him to put his favorite Spider-Man shoes on.

Teeth brushed, check. Bentley dressed, check. Herself? Not so much. She quickly dressed herself in flared jeans, an olive green tank top and a charcoal grey zip up hoodie.

...

"C'mon you beautiful, burgundy beast, start." she whispered, encouraging her the engine of her Jeep to turn over. She was thankful she came towards winters end and she wouldn't have to Jedi mind trick her Jeep into working every day. The engine roared to life on the third crank. She rubbed her hand over the leather steering wheel in praise.

Coffee. She needed coffee, since wine was frowned upon at 6 in the morning. It was the second best mom fuel, after all. School didn't start until 7:45, she had some time to find a Starbucks before finding B's daycare and her new school.

She roamed the empty roads until a diner caught her eye, The Dot. Not Starbucks but it would suffice.

The bell overhead chimed as she entered the establishment. Only two people stood behind the counter, but that seemed like an appropriate amount of staffing for such early hours. She balanced Bentley on her hip and walked towards the register.

"Large coffee, black, like my soul." She muttered, fumbling to pull her wallet out of her purse one handed.

Her order earned a chuckle from the boy behind the counter, "Sorry but Death Wish Coffee is about two streets down." She dismissed his comment as he poured her coffee, slapping a lid on the cardboard cup. "3.50."

She pulled out a small stack of cash, spreading it out and realizing she'd never taken the time to research Canadian currency.

He plucked a $5 from her hands, "New to Canada, eh?"

"It's not my fault your money looks like Monopoly money." She huffed, grabbing the coffee with haste.

He shot a glance at his coworker, pointing to her as walked out the door, "I don't think there's coffee black enough for that one."

...

She arrived at the steps of Degrassi, toddler and coffee in tow. Unable to find the daycare and already late, she had no choice but to take him with. First impression? Nailed it.

She walked up the steps, into the building and to her first class. She crouched in front of Bentley, looking him in the eyes, "Mom needs you to be on your best behavior, okay? Use your inside voice and be verrrrry still, can you do that for me?" She was asking far too much of a two year old.

"Yeah, mom, I'll whisper LIKE THIS."

She sighed, "Whispering skills on point, dude. If you behave, I'll take you to get a slushee after school okay?" She straightened herself up, placing one hand on the doorknob, grabbing Bentley's hand with the other.

All eyes turned to her, as she expected, as she entered the classroom.

"Hi, um, sorry. I literally moved here six hours ago, I couldn't find the daycare and was running late as it was."

Mrs. Kwan held up a hand, silencing her quickly. Her irritable gaze travelled to the two year old clutching his mother's hand. Late to class? Strike one. Middle of the school year? Strike two. Teen mom with child on her person? Strike three. "Name, please?"

"Jaycee."

Her cheap black heels clicked against the tiled floor as she walked to her desk to grab the attendance sheet. "Osbourne, Jaycee Rae. Great, please take a seat next to Liberty and keep the distractions to a minimum."

"I can find the daycare and come back."

"No, a mid semester transfer looks bad enough on your record, you don't need to add any truancies to that list. Please take your seat, I assume this will only be a one time thing." It's not like she could deny the girl an education. Though she didn't agree with her life choices, she could respect Jaycee for trying to continue her education. 30% of teen moms drop out of high school, after all. Not to mention Hatzilkaos would have her fired so fast it would make her head spin.

Jaycee lifted two fingers to her forehead and saluted in promise. She could feel judgmental eyes burn into the back of her head as she found her seat.

Cue the mean whispers.

 _ **Bringing your child to school? Now THAT'S the ultimate fashion accessory.**_

 _ **I bet she doesn't even know who the father is.**_

 _ **Whore.**_

Jaycee bit down on her lip, controlling the urge to silence the awful words with her middle finger. They couldn't have the decency to wait until her son wasn't with her? Or at least come up with something original if they were going to insult her? Still, though, she was glad the cat was out of the bag sooner rather than later. Keep the insults coming, ladies and gents, she'll be here all year.

The mocha skinned girl wore a scowl big enough for the whole class to see. People talked about her, too. About her pregnancy, about her choice to give her son what she couldn't, and even worse, about JT.

 _ **How can you give your baby up after nine months? So heartless. She shouldn't have gotten pregnant if she didn't want to keep it. She should have tried harder.**_

Liberty's stomach churned at the flashbacks. It really seemed like there was no pleasing people when it came to parenting. She watched as Jaycee got settled, pulling out a notebook and pencil, as well as a coloring book and crayons for the toddler. "Don't let them bother you. They're just petty girls looking for any shred of drama to enrich their pathetically boring lives. I'm Liberty, by the way. I'm a mother, too."

The word felt sour coming off her lips. She was a mother, by definition. She grew a child for nine months, felt the sensation of baby kicks and hiccups, she lived through the incurable morning sickness all hours of the day, the constant need to pee, and had the stretch marks to prove it. She was a mother, a mother without her child.

"It's nothing I haven't heard before. They'll tire themselves out eventually."

"How old is he?" She watched the two year old in fascination, only in her mind, he was hers. A perfect mix of her and JT.

"This is Bentley, he's two." She smiled, ruffling the boys hair. When you're a mom, you have what's comparable to a Spider sense—only for other mothers. But Jaycee felt there was more to her story than she let on. Mom friends are few and far in between, and although friendship wasn't at the top of her priority list, she'd do her best not to push Liberty away.

Kwan's droning was all but unheard as Spinner swaggered in, his backpack hanging off one broad shoulder.

"Nice for you to join us, Gavin. I'd like to think you were taking class more seriously after how hard you worked to get back in."

"Christ," Jaycee muttered, identifying him as the overly chatty boy from this mornings coffee run.

"Sorry, Mrs. K, I took an extra shifts at work before school. Won't happen again, I swear." He said as he took the seat behind Liberty and Jaycee. How else are social pariahs supposed to spend their time? Mrs. Kwan gave him a doubtful look before returning to the stack of papers she was grading.

Jaycee hid behind her hair, hoping he wouldn't recognize her. She wasn't much for friends, for people in general, really, but to her disappointment he tapped her on the shoulder.

"Miss Coffee as black as my soul," he started, leaning his cheek on his fist, "How was that coffee, was it black enough for the hole where you heart should be?" He cracked himself up. "I'm Spinner, we didn't get a chance to exchange pleasantries this morning."

"Yeah, I'm not _really_ in the market for a male anything so beyond this class, you don't exist." Jaycee scoffed, returning her attention to the task at hand.

However, Spinner wasn't so easily deterred, though he knew that's what she was trying to accomplish. In fact, her indifference to him was exactly what he needed this year. To him, she was a challenge— a way to distract him in the lowest time of his life. Besides, he was Spinner Mason. From Paige, to Manny, to Darcy, he was always able to snag the hottest girls in Degrassi with his never ending charisma. "Is that your son?" It was a fair question, for all he knew it was her brother and she was running him to daycare before school.

"No, I saw him in the parking lot this morning and thought, hey why not steal a two year old today?" Maybe he was a genuinely nice a guy who deserved a chance. And maybe, for once, she could be a decent person and indulge him in a friendship he was clearly seeking. But she wouldn't. She was a mom 100% of the time, every action in her life needed to benefit her son. Spinner was not beneficial either of them.

Liberty shushed him, to which responded with a goofy grin. "Spin's harmless, nice enough...but annoying."

Jaycee nodded, giving Liberty a look. "I got that."

She exhaled heavily, mentally preparing herself to deal with his bullshit first thing in the morning, every morning, until summer.

A knock came from the doorway, where a leggy blonde in a gray pantsuit lingered, "Sorry to interrupt your class, Mrs. Kwan, but I need to see Jaycee in my office for a moment."

She'd never been so happy to be called to the principals office.


	2. Repeat Times Infinity

Jaycee felt small sitting across from Mrs. Hatizlakos, sitting proudly in her leather chair. She had a welcoming smile on her face, she fumbled around in her desk, finding a toy she'd confiscated from a grade 9 and handed it to Bentley. She also waved a fruit roll up in his face, one of those healthy ones you make at home by blending fruit into mush and baking it into leather. "Do you mind?"

Jaycee shook her head and began unwrapping the package for her son. She handed it to him and Hatzilkaos talked to him with big boy words, asking about Mom and how he liked school today.

Then she got serious, "Heard about your little incident this morning."

"Sorry about that. I thought I had time to find everything." She averted her gaze, suddenly feeling as if she were on trial.

"Tell me about yourself, Jaycee. A mid semester transfer if a hard thing to pull off, you could have lost your entirely. That being said, I'm assuming you took the risk for a good reason. Talk to me."

"I know, and I appreciate you doing whatever you had to to make sure my grades transferred smoothly. The move was...sudden, to say the least, but in Michigan I didn't have a good support system. I didn't have anywhere to live, didn't have an opportunity to go to school, so I did what I had to do. I'm still waiting on some paperwork to be finalized but I'm here."

"Well, I'm proud of you for sticking with school. That tells me a lot about your character already,"

She flipped through the file cabinet and pulled out Jaycee's personal files. "If you complete your classes without problems, you'll walk with next years class. Any plans after that?"

Life after high school seemed so unobtainable with a child that she hadn't put much thought into it, "I don't think college is an option for me. Completing high school with be a challenge itself, honestly I just planned to graduate high school and get a shitty full time job that I hate to support my son."

Hatzilkaos raised an eyebrow, a warning to Jaycee language like that would not be tolerated in her presence. "A lot has changed, Jaycee. There's online courses you can take from home now, we can get you enrolled in college prep classes here," she folded her arms on the desk and leaned in close to Jaycee, eyes boring straight into her soul, "It's evident your life hasn't been easy, being a young mother with no stable house, no stable education, but you're taking steps in the right direction. I'm here to make sure you continue making the right decisions. There's so much more to your future, Jaycee. You have the world at your finger tips, there's a version of Jaycee you can't even begin to imagine. As long as you're here, I won't let you live a mediocre life. I won't let your _child_ live a mediocre life." She grabbed a pen and began to write, her cursive was flowy and neat. She ripped the sticky note off the pad and handed it to Jaycee, "This is the number to an at home daycare. I've been friends with her for a long time and if you tell her I referred you, she'll give you an affordable rate."

Jaycee took the paper and stored it away in her pocket. That was the first time anyone instilled more than an ounce of confidence in her, rather than reenforcing her bleak future as a young mother. It felt good having someone believe in her, even if the person believing got paid to spew uplifting shit like that all day.

...

Her next classes flew by, and while they seemed easy enough, she couldn't fully tell between trying to catch up and wrangling her two year old in. To her surprise coloring held his attention extremely well and he behaved better than most of the teens in her class. Liberty was in most of her classes, too, and for that she was thankful. Anything to make school more bearable.

Jaycee had always like school, though, even before she got herself knocked up. She loved every aspect of it, writing essays, feeding her brain, taking notes, expanding her knowledge. Science and English were the classes she excelled in. She was the black sheep in her group of friends in that aspect.

The saying 'you find out who your true friends are when you have kids' was all too real. When she got pregnant, her friends stayed in the beginning, excited to be aunties and uncles, but the less she attended parties due to pregnancy fatigue, the more they left. Keg stands held a higher priority than her friendship. She'd tried to hard to maintain her party girl ways but what's a party girl without alcohol or drugs? But her situation only got worse when Reed ultimately decided not be involved in his unborn child's life, then the rumors that she got pregnant on purpose to trap him spread. That she was only using him for his money, that she was so damn obsessed she poked holes in the condoms to keep him forever.

You're stupid when you're fifteen. When you're fifteen _and_ pregnant, you're twice as stupid. Reed was her first everything; boyfriend, kiss, lover. When you're fifteen, your first relationship is going to be your first, your last, your forever. The signs were all there, and had she not been blinded by Cupid's arrow, she would have been more cautious, even explored other options when she found out she was growing his spawn. It was absolutely foolish on her part to expect someone who made a living peddling drugs to transform into Father of the Year. Stupid, naive Jaycee.

She was alone going into premature labor, alone when she got wheeled into the OR for an emergency c-section. She lived in the hospital for three months, waiting for her son to be healthy enough to take to a home that wasn't there. Alone became her M-O.

It was lunch time and the halls flooded with hungry Degrassi students, rushing past in a blur. She shouted a few obscenities, telling them to watch where the hell they were going, that there was a child with her for Christ sake. Liberty snagged her by the elbow.

"How are all your classes going?"

"Good, I think. It's hard to concentrate with B but he did awesome." Her steps fell in sync with Liberty's as they walked towards the cafeteria.

"So this is the media immersion lab, it should be your next class. Mr. Simpson is a great teacher though and he loves kids, so I'm sure he'll help keep Bentley occupied." Liberty said as she sat down with her food, expecting Jaycee to do the same. "You're not eating?"

"Nah, I gotta run B to daycare. I'll pick something up on the way, you wanna come with? It's gotta be better than shitty school lunch."

"Thanks but as student council president my schedule is pretty full. I've got people in charge of things that shouldn't be, events to organize, planning to do. Maybe another day."

"I didn't realize I was in the presence of such grace," Jaycee laughed, pulling out a pen. She wrote down her number on Liberty's napkin, "This is my number, text me when you get some time and we can hang out. It's unbelievably hard to find mom friends." Her words came out clumsy but she was proud of herself for at least offering the invite.

"I'd like that." Liberty smiled, patting the piece of paper.

Jaycee nodded and packed up her things, groaning she saw Spinner heading into the MI lab. "Why? Dude serves me coffee once and now I can't get rid of him."

"He's not so bad. He's not who I would hang out with but he's nice. He had a rough year, lost all his friends, he's just looking for a new beginning. Kind of like you. Give him a chance."

Jaycee shook her head, dismissing the idea of even talking to Spinner, "Too chatty for my taste," she threw the last bit of Bentley's thing together and put him on her hip, "Text me later, yeah?"

...

Time couldn't pass fast enough after lunch. She was the first student out the door, creeping out a few minutes before the bell rang. She was so excited to bolt out of that hellhole and pick up her little boy from daycare. Leaving him at lunch did not go well, he was a snot faced wreck clinging to her leg, begging Mommy not to go. It damn near broke her heart but she was spared the mom guilt after receiving a text from the provider not five minutes later saying he was fine and playing along with the other children.

She sprinted to her car, nearly slipping on what was hopefully the last patch of ice for the winter, she steadied herself on the side of her Jeep before opening the door and climbing into the drivers side. Once again she rubbed the steering wheel and whispered words of encouragement for her baby to start without problems.

"Meet you at the Ravine? Cool, later bro." Spinner laughed, patting Jay on the back. Yes, Jay was a jerk. Yes, it's partially his fault he lost his best friend but short on friends, he decided bad company was better than no company. So many times he had tried to severe ties with Jay, hoping it would make Jimmy come back around. It never worked and why would it? He felt and understood every ounce of hate Jimmy had for him but he also wondered how long he would make him suffer. He was making such an effort to get his friends back. On days that Jimmy ignored him or made malicious comments his way, Jay was there with a six pack of happiness. He often wondered how Jay could live without feelings.

He fumbled in his pocket for his keys, walking up on Jaycee struggling to get her car started. He stopped and watched her unlatch the hood and prop it open. He wondered if she knew what she was doing or if she was just trying to maintain the illusion that she did to ward off anyone that wanted to help.

Never one to give up, he quietly approached the side of her car, leaning against the drivers side with a smug grin on his face. He tapped the imaginary watch on his wrist to see how long she could keep up with her charade.

He could faintly make out the curse words she muttered under her breath as she removed the hood prop and slammed the hood of the Jeep shut. "So what's the prognosis?"

She jumped at his words, following up with an eye roll. "I know this Jeep like the back of my hand, if that's what your insinuating." She pushed past him to get in the drivers side. One leg hung out of the door as she tried to crank the engine. Nothing.

"Really? What kind of engine you got under there?"

Busted.

"You think I need your help?"

Spinner shrugged, patting the roof of the car, "I think I have a working car and you need a ride. Consider me your personal taxi for the day."

Jaycee looked at the ground, fighting to find another excuse. What could she say? He had her cornered and damn if she couldn't pass up on his offer. "I can't leave my car here over night, it'll get towed. I can't afford to get it out of impound."

Before she could finish her sentence Spinner was on the phone, "Yo, Jay, can you circle back around to Degrassi? I got a job for ya, thanks man." He held his hand out for her keys, "Jay's a damn good mechanic, I'll have him take a look at it and have it back to you by the end of the night."

Jaycee looked at her Jeep then back at him. What other choice did she have? "Fine, whatever, but if it's not back at my place by 9pm I'm reporting it stolen." She huffed as she walked around to the backseat to get B's car seat. Spinner grabbed it from her, throwing it effortlessly over his shoulder. He placed his hand on the small of her back, leading him to his car.

...

He pulled into the empty parking lot of Sweet Pea Academy. The car wasn't fully in park before Jaycee flung the door open, bee lining for the front door. The ride was filled with quiet music, Jaycee wore a scowl the entire way but Spinner was beginning to think that was just her face all the time, mean mugging 24/7. She was in and out within five minutes, two year old leading the way.

"What's your name?" The boy asked as Jaycee secured him into the car seat, "That's my mom, she picked me up from daycare!"

Spinner turned around in his seat, offering his hand for a high five, "My name is Spinner, I go to school with your mom. What's your name, buddy?"

"I'm Spider-Man! And Iron Man, and Hulk, and Flash. My mom is Batman."

The two year olds response earned a hearty laugh from Spinner, "Dream big, buddy. So, Batman, where to next?"

Her eyes kept on Bentley, a sincere smile spreading on her face, "Yeah, I'm still trying to teach him DC and Marvel never mix. Marvel is vastly superior but he'll learn that one day. His name is Bentley, B, Benny...sometimes Tom. Don't ask, it's a weird toddler thing." Curse her cute child for making her so soft. She cleared her throat, "I just need a few things from the store, whatever's closest."

"There's one right down the block." His arms twisted over each other as he backed out of the parking lot, taking extra precaution to check traffic before heading down the road.

The after school rush made the store particularly busy, he had to circle the parking lot three times before finding a spot close to the door that was reserved for expectant mothers and mothers with young children. He unbuckled his seat belt and started to open the door when Jaycee spoke up.

"Oh, you're coming in with us?"

Spinner side eyed her, "Uh, yes? Do you not want me to?"

Jaycee looked around, completely aware she looked like the worlds biggest asshole for her comment. She pulled the elastic from her braid and combed through her hair with her fingers, "I know I'm an asshole and you've probably come to expect that by now but people aren't especially fond of teen parents. They get nosy and preachy, I don't want to put that on you. Or risk someone from school seeing us and starting rumors."

There was nothing that could possibly be said that could hurt his feelings. The judgment from being mistaken as a young father couldn't touch what was already being said about him regarding Jimmy. He got out of the car and walked to the passenger side, opening the door for Jaycee and leaning his head in, "Trust me, whatever they have to say, I've heard worse. I'm bulletproof, baby." Oh, how he wished that were true.

"Alright man. It's your funeral though."

...

He could easily go the rest of his life without hearing the phrase 'babies having babies' ever again. Ostracizing looks came from every angle, spotlight on the teen 'couple.' Bentley wasn't even his, but even if he was, who had the right to judge him?

Jaycee looked behind her, seeing the troubled expression on his face. She had two years to adjust to the spotlight, she threw him in like a worm to a bird. She gave him a reassuring, yet awkward, pat on the shoulder, "Told you it wasn't easy."

Spinner nodded, rubbing his tongue along his teeth before responding, "No joke. I don't know how you do it."

"Eh, I've heard it all before. Babies having babies, repeat times infinity. People aren't original," She said, standing on her tip toes to grab a pair of night time pull ups, "But when they're 35 and seeing the fucking Wiggles live for the 10th time, I'll be sipping my wine while B's off at college. Jokes on you, Karen." Her comment earned her a dirty look from a middle aged woman pushing a new born in a stroller. She looked directly at the woman and shrugged, "If the diaper fits."

The woman walked away in a tizzy as Spinner bit his cheek in a failed attempt to hide his laughter, "Damn, girl, you're brutal." He was thrilled to see he wasn't the only one on Jaycee's war path.

They made a few more stops, grabbing some produce and freezer meals before arriving at the check out stand. Jaycee opened her bag and dug around, pulling out baby wipes, toys and even those cheddar flavored fish crackers before finding her wallet. "56.85."

Jaycee pulled out some cash, counting it under her breath, "Twenty, thirty five, forty...wait _forty_? What happened to my other $20? I know I had it!" She looked at the frantically at the conveyer belt, trying to figure out what they could absolutely live without. Her fingers tapped her temples. Becoming a mother turned her into a very high stress person, the smallest of mishaps able to send her spiraling.

"Here," Spinner pulled out $20 of his own money and held it out, "I got you covered."

"I can't take that. I'll just...figure out something to put back, no biggie." She attempted to shove his hand away but he jerked his arm up before she could make contact.

"Jaycee, it's fine. It's tip money, I'll make it back tomorrow."

"I said no." Being short handed at the cash register was embarrassing but not nearly as embarrassing as accepting money from a boy she'd only just met. Her pride wouldn't allow it.

Spinner grabbed her by the wrist and forced her hand open, placing the money in her palm,

"Take the money, Jaycee. I want to help you."

...

"This is where your staying?" Spin asked as he pulled into the run down motel. He recognized the seedy neighborhood the motel was in, Alex had lived there when she and Jay were dating.

"Temporarily. Our apartment won't be ready for another few weeks." She lied.

"Right, and that is where?" He shut the car off and began to unload the groceries as she got Bentley from the car seat.

"I don't know. Near the school, I think. I have the address written down somewhere." Another lie.

He didn't believe her, that much she was sure of. It didn't matter if he did, after she got her car back she would thank him and wash her hands of him for good. She slid the key into the door and watched as the lights changed from red to yellow to green before pushing it open. She grabbed a bag from Spinner and pulled out a microwave bag of chicken and broccoli for Bentley's dinner.

There was so much more he wanted to ask her, why she made the sudden move to Canada, why she was living out of this disgusting hotel room, how she was _funding_ this shit hole. They unloaded the last of the groceries in silence. "Lemme see your phone for a sec."

She handed him her phone without looking at him. He quickly programmed his number, leaving the screen open to she could see as he gave it back, "So this is my number, I'll send a text you a text when I'm on the way with your Jeep."

"Alright," she said, pulling out a bottle of vodka left in the mini fridge by the last guest. She turned to face Spinner. "I'll pay you back for everything."

He waved his hand dismissively, "Don't worry about it."

...

Bentley went down a little later than usual. She knew that the move would be hell on his sleep schedule but it was like sleep training all over again.

Bubbles surrounded and popped around her naked body, making her feel like a mermaid princess. Bubble baths were one of her little joys, one of the few things she had left for herself.

She cuddled the vodka to her bare chest, praying it was untainted. In hindsight, drinking a strangers vodka wasn't the best course of action but today required something much stronger than beer.

She raised the bottle to her lips and took a swig, letting bubbles seep between the cracks of her fingers on her spare hand.

She'd anticipated and planned for months, throwing together passports, paperwork, custody orders. As it turns out, no amount of preparing could make fleeing the state seem like the right decision.

Her friends, baby daddy, even her own mother, had long since forgotten about her—her picture wouldn't be appearing on a milk carton anytime soon. Every horrible outcome caused a whole wind of anxiety in her head, making her dizzy. Maybe she could be depressed for a living, country singers did it.

She poured some vodka into her bath water and reached her dry hand to grab her phone from the tubs edge, flipping it open.

Create message; contacts; Spinner

 **It's Jaycee. Thanks, for everything.**

Send.

She submerged herself deeper into the frothy, warm water, eucalyptus and spearmint overtaking her senses. Her eyes closed and she felt herself drifting into a comatose state of relaxation when her phone vibrated against the porcelain of the tub.

 **No thanks needed. I'm happy to help whenever :)** **what are you and B doing tonight?**

She rolled her eyes, drank a lot more vodka, and closed the phone on the boy who was getting too close.


	3. Jaded

Vodka and school bells don't mix. _Momming_ and vodka don't mix. Alcohol, once the elixir of her life, turned enemy this morning.

Jaycee felt 40 instead of 17, despite drinking very little, but three years of complete sobriety would do that to anyone. She'd only drank one glass by the time Spinner dropped off her car but her vision doubled at his sight; four annoying Gavin Mason's in her doorway instead of one. She crashed shortly after, seven hours of sleep feeling like seven minutes.

She'd dozed through her first few classes and expected math to go about the same.

Her eyes fluttered closed while she let her chin rest in the palm of her hand. A string of drool webbed itself at the heel of her hand as Liberty sat in the neighboring desk. Her body jerked at her arrival, bringing her back to attention.

"What did you do last night? You've barely been here all day."

Jaycee rubbed a hand over her eyes, "Girl, don't get me started. My friggin' Jeep broke down after school. I tried to fix it myself but my knowledge of cars is nonexistent. Spinner was there, absolutely _insisted_ on being my saving grace, had my car towed and fixed up by some guy named Jay, and chauffeured me every where. It was annoying. He was annoying."

Liberty tapped the eraser end of her pencil on the desk, contemplating her next words carefully. They were never close but she knew he didn't deserve to be iced out by Jaycee over two simple meetings. She also understood why Jaycee was so guarded, too. She identified traits of her own in her, her behavior towards Spinner was similar to how she treated JT at times. "You need to cut him some slack. I say this because we are alike in so many ways; blunt, guarded, independent," she drew in a deep breath before continuing, "Last year, he inadvertently got his best friend shot. You know Jimmy Brooks? He confessed, got expelled, lost all his friends. This is first year back since and he's just looking for a place to fit in. This means nothing to you, but he went so far as to join Friendship Club. Can you imagine being so lonely you voluntarily join a group of Christians? Be nice, that's all I'm suggesting."

Guilt seeped into her self righteous bones, stinging to the marrow. She was once told she had a fierceness in her eyes that scared people away. Yet Gavin Mason has not been scared. Maybe that meant something. She couldn't imagine being exiled the way he had, he thrived on friendship the way she did loneliness.

"Fine. FINE, I'll play nice. There's not a soul on this planet that can make me feel inferior," she placed her hand on Liberty's and gave it a squeeze, "But damn if I'm not delighted to have you put me in my place."

Liberty eye'd her lingering hand. She liked that she was able to humble Jaycee, if only for a moment. The fact she took her lecture as a compliment only proved further how likely a pair the two were. Call it cheesy but this moment would forever mark the beginning of their friendship. "I'm always happy to throw around some harsh truths, should you need it in the future. You wanna come over after school?"

"I can't today, gotta start the job hunt today. His hero act didn't end at fixing my car and driving me around, he also paid for half my groceries when I was short on cash. Settle for lunch, though?"

...

Somehow, Spinner managed his way back into Marco's good graces. It was a start.

The two were mid conversation when Liberty and Jaycee bounced by, discussing off campus lunch options. He waved at them, earning a small smile from Jaycee.

Marco's eyes followed them, waiting until they were out of ear shot to speak, "Someone told me that new girl has a kid."

Spinner nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, that's Jaycee. She has a two year old."

Marco's brows furrowed together, wondering how Spinner knew that to be fact. He slapped Spinner's chest, urging him to continue. "It's impossible to keep up with you, man. One second you're crazy committed to Friendship Club, saving yourself for marriage, the next you're trying to get with a single mom? Indecisive, much?"

"It's not even like that, Marco. Her car broke down yesterday, I helped her fix it and took her to run a few errands. Not a big deal. I mean, she's kind of a dick but I'm seriously lacking in the 'friend' department."

Marco looked down at his feet, pointing his toes together, "Spin, I know you've been busting your ass to redeem yourself, he'll see that on his own time. It's awesome that you're trying to help her, I'm proud of you for that. Let's go get some lunch."

...

"Ready to get Mom a job?" Jaycee's eyes flicked to the rear view mirror to her son's smiling reflection.

"Job, job, job. I want a job, too." Bentley babbled, bouncing up and down in the car seat. She shook her head as she swung around to the backseat and pulled him from the car seat. His job was to stay two forever.

Moral compass pointing in the wrong direction, she placed Bentley on her hip and walked into The Dot. She sneered at the sight of it, knowing she'd be exposing herself to more time with Spinner Mason. Money was money, though.

"Can I speak to a manager, please? Thanks."

The guy at the counter nodded, giving her bedroom eyes before walking into the back room. Creepy.

Karma would surely come back to bite her in the ass for using her son as a human application but she welcomed it, so long as it had a fat stack of cash in hand.

"Aw, you came to visit me at work. How sweet." Spinner's voice penetrated her thoughts. He had a rag in one hand and a smug grin on his face.

Oh, good Lord. "Don't flatter yourself, Gavin. I need a job." She served him an eye roll and put her back to him as the manager came up.

"Hi," Her lips turned upward into a manipulative smile and she offered a handshake to the hardened man, "I'm Jaycee, this is my son Bentley. I couldn't help but notice you're in need of a server, I happen to be in need of a job."

The manager, Rueben, eyed her. "You got an application, kid?"

"No but why would you need one? I'm here so let's get to interviewin'."

Spinner's head perked up behind the counter and he began to wipe at an imaginary spot on the counter, ready to watch her go toe to toe with Rueben. Although he knew Rueben would pretend to mull it around, put on a tough but firm boss image before finally conceding, he was interested in watching her guilt her way into a job.

The two bantered back and forth, he heard bits of their conversation: Rueben trying to get a word in edge wise while Jaycee gave a rather compelling speech about the bullshit of an interview process and how compared to being a mom, waitressing would be a calk walk.

"C'mon, you really aren't going to turn down a teen mom are you?" Guilt card officially pulled.

"Just give her the job, man. We go one more night shorthanded, you'll have a euphemism then we'll all be screwed." Spinner interjected, shaking the damp rag at him. "Save yourself a hospital trip, you hire damn near everyone to walk through that door. You hired me, she's a friend, consider me a reference.

Rueben's hand reached out and gripped the back of Spinner's neck firmly, "And I regret that decision every damn day, Mason. Tell you h'what: fill out an application, dump the kid and come back. You hold your own out there and the job's yours."

Success! "Your generosity is unmatched, sir. Oh and Gavin? The word your looking for is _aneurysm_ , buddy."

Spinner winked, pointing fingers guns at her with the click of his teeth.

...

"Not bad for a kid learning the ropes," Rueben commented, counting through a stack of bills to divide tips for the night, "Congrats, kid, you got yourself a job. Take out the trash and you're free to go."

Jaycee nodded, spreading the money out in her hand. $80 for a five hour shift.

She threw the black sack of trash into the dumpster and sat on the curb, pulling out a cigarette and her phone. They way her body ached with swollen feet and back spasms brought her back to her to pregnancy days, when her belly was sheltering an eight pour baby, curving her back in unspeakably uncomfortable ways. A nice walk down memory lane. She brought the cigarette to her lips and lit it, inhaling its sweet carcinogens.

"Those things will kill ya."

She turned her head at Spinner, lugging three trashbags himself. He chucked them into the dumpster and sat next to her.

Jaycee cocked an eyebrow, "So will I, if you don't stop talking to me."

"You ever let your guard down? Must suck playing mean girl all the time." He knocked his knees gently against hers as he spoke.

"God, do you _ever_ give up?"

"Hell, no. I'm going to annoy you with my friendship, your tough girl act doesn't scare me."

Jaycee tried her best to look aggravated, though his confidence had shaken her. He wasn't kidding. "Last I heard, you got your friends shot." She spoke against Liberty's lecture reeling in her head, looking him directly into his stupidly handsome face.

Her words didn't give the satisfaction she thrived off of, and when his expression changed from light to smoldering angry, face turning a nice shade of vermilion, she wished she could take them back as quickly as she said them.

 _Why do I say the things I say?_

"Screw you, Jaycee." He spat, propelling himself off the curb side. She heard the metal trashcan land with a metallic _clank_ after Spinner had sent his foot flying into it.

Fuck her.


	4. Informericals

"Is this _supposed_ to hurt?" Liberty glanced down at the filing block Jaycee was running over her nails.

Jaycee pulled her hand away, examining the emery covered file, "Shit if I know, isn't this what girls do when they hang out? Give each other manicures and shit?"

"Maybe in after school specials," she laughed, "Society's standards for women are ridiculous, perfect nail beds are overrated. Natural is beautiful."

Jaycee shrugged and tossed the file over her shoulder before plopping on the bed next to Liberty. Bentley completed the dog pile by laying across the two, Jaycee patted him on the legs while Liberty started a game of 'got your nose.'

The bond she built with the two year old over the past month was nothing short of miraculous. She simply adored Bentley Reed as her own, and as odd it was to have a two year old as a best friend, they were as close as two could ever be. Although he could never fill the hole in her heart for her own child, Liberty thanked Jaycee for every baby sitting opportunity, every hang out an unknown therapy session. Her heart was on the mend, she was finding pieces of herself again, rebuilding to find herself after J.T's passing.

"Is a month to early to say 'I love you?' Cause I fucking love you, Liberty. Wish I had a friend like you back in Michigan, woulda saved myself a ton of bad decisions." Jaycee turned her head in Liberty's direction, watching as she pulled Bentley to her chest and away to toss him in the air. A faint smile played on her lips as she watched the two.

"Feelings mutual, Jaycee. I don't consider myself as someone who has a lot of friends, my personality is off putting most of the time, it's nice to meet someone with similar traits."

Jaycee laughed at her comment, "You're looking at the queen of off putting personalities. How about we off put the world together? You, me and B."

"Deal. Speaking of off putting, you gonna apologize to Spinner yet? It's been a month."

Jayce drummed her hands against her collar bones, "No, dude won't even acknowledge me. Can't say I blame him, what I said was pretty harsh but it got my point across. I do feel bad but Libs, I didn't run away for a replacement daddy for B. I left Michigan because the only steady thing there was druggies and abandonment. I came here to raise my son, on my own, away from the toxicity."

Liberty hopped to her feet, hands on her hips, with the mom glare down to a t. She was actually intimidating in that stance. "Jaycee, there isn't one outcome in this situation where you'll be right. He converted to Christianity and revirginized himself for his last girlfriend, who turned around and posted provocative photos on the internet as thanks. Trust when I say he's not trying to be a replacement anything. He's a genuinely lost soul, you will apologize and you'll do it tomorrow. Your independence is important but so is your mental health, you need friends, Jace. Even if it's just me and Spinner."

 **. . .**

"Just go apologize. It's two simple words: I'm sorry." Liberty nudged Jaycee's arm. "It's easy, swallow your pride and do it."

Jaycee rolled her eyes, "I'm like a ghost to him, Liberty. I told you last night."

"All the more reason! Look, I'm not saying be his best friend but you have to work with him. He's the reason you _have_ a job. Just **say it**."

Jaycee eyed Liberty and threw down her pen in frustration, "Damn it. I hate it when you're right, which is _all the time_ by the way."

"I know, isn't it great? And I know your only evil eye is the 'mom' stare but could you not? It looks ridiculous when your sans kid."

"Can't help it, man. Fine, I'll catch him between class and go apologize," she said in a mocking tone, "But he's not going to listen."

...

Students flooded the halls at the dismissal of class. Jaycee weaved through the crowds, her usual string of curse words following as she searched for Spinner. Or the back of his head...

A metal clang that could be heard over the crowd caught her attention. She turned in the direction of the noise, lo and behold, it was Gavin Mason in all his goofy glory.

"Spinner!" She yelled, kicking her tiny legs into overdrive. "What's up?" She leaned against the locker and tousled her hair in an attempt to hide the fact she was near breathless after walking warp speed to reach him.

His eyes were rigid and stiff upon looking at her, the verdict told with one look. "I'm going to be late for class." He slammed the locker door shut as he walked away.

She banged the side of her head into the locker. He was really going to make her work for this. She thought about aborting the mission all together but Liberty's damn voice sounded in her head. _She's not even hear and she still managers to be right_. Jayce let out an audible grown, forcing herself to follow after him.

"So am I, if you don't give me a minute. Spinner!" When he showed no signs of slowing down she wrapped her small hand around his bicep and backed him into a wall. "Gavin, _please._ Just two minutes."

Spinner raked his hands down his face and threw one arm out to the side. "What else could you possibly have to say to me, Jaycee? You don't want me to talk to you anymore, you made that pretty clear last month."

"I'm sorry, okay? Really. What I said was totally out of line. The last two years I've put all my energy into being a mom; no friends, no guys, nothing. That's why I left Michigan. I misread the situation and I'm sorry. Cheap beer and video games at my place after school? Give me one hour to prove I'm not some frigid bitch."

Spinner tongued his cheek, considering the offer. He came back to Degrassi hoping to make amends with Jimmy but his chances were slim to none at this point. He was lonely, and while he had Jay, he wasn't the best company to keep. Finally, he smiled and put his arm around Jaycee's shoulders. "Cheap beer and video games, huh? You definitely know how to get a mans attention, it's a date."

Jaycee maneuvered out of his grasp, " _Not_ a date." As hard as she tried not to, she laughed. "See you after school."

...

"Dude, what are you doing? Spinner, what are you—no! Shoot the portal there, SHOOT THE PORTAL THERE! DUDE!" Jaycee's hands shot up in the air, "You're killing me, smalls."

Spinner nearly doubled over in laughter as the title screen flashed. " _That_ was amazing. I've never seen a chick get that intense over a video game, like, ever."

"I play to win," she winked, taking a sip of her beer. "I can't believe you've never played this game before, it's my favorite."

One simple hour turned into four, where the two talked for hours. They laughed at dated tv shows and public access tv together. Spinner told her more about the incident with Jimmy, how he and Jay convinced Rick it was him behind the paint and feathers, how he confessed to Jimmy and got expelled. He explained his attempt to drive drunk after confronting Jimmy and how his life was a slow spiral to destruction ever since.

He spoke with renewed hope, though. Hope that this would be the year he would get his best friend back and rebuild their friendship from scratch. He spoke with such conviction that Jaycee couldn't help but believe him. She was absolutely blown away with how happy he was, despite being at the lowest point in his life. There was always a silver lining with him and she very much wished she could do the same with her situation.

What surprised her most, though, was how great he was with Bentley. Where all of her friends abandoned her, B's dad included, claiming they 'didn't know how to act' around children, Spinner was truly amazing with her son. As she made dinner, Spinner was on the floor, playing cars, superheroes, and everything in between. He even allowed B to rough him up by using him as a human trampoline.

And Spinner got a taste of single parenthood, watching her play mom, dad, good mom, mean mom. He experienced the fit throwing, the refusal to eat his dinner even though it was made to his exact request. One minute he loved his mac and cheese, the next he spat it out, claiming it was 'disbusting'. It became abundantly clear why Jaycee didn't open herself up to friends. It seemed challenging to balance a social life on top of being a full time parent but watching the exchange of love between them as she put him to bed made a social life seem overrated. 'I love you to the moon and back plus one hundred', she said to him as she tucked him in.

Spinner grabbed two beers from the mini fridge and handed one to Jaycee as he sat back on the couch, tapping the can to hers. He grimaced as he took a drink, this beer was god awful. "So, uh, I thought you said you were getting out of here soon." He looked around the motel, it was tiny and dirty. The white walls were stained yellow, the faucets and shower head were rusted and both times he visited it smelled like piss. Boxes were piled high in the corner, nearly toppling over. The bed could barley be considered a bed with its ripped duvet and broken down mattress. Bentley's bed looked more appealing to sleep on.

Jaycee pulled her legs into her chest and avoided his gaze, "Um, the apartment isn't ready yet. Water damage, we'll probably be here another month."

His stomach twisted in a knot, an unwavering feeling she wasn't being truthful overcame him. She was stubborn, if anything. "Jace, if you need money or a pl—"

"Mama? Mama I hungry." Bentley emerged from his bed, waking just the short distance from the corner his bed was in to the living area.

"Well, Bentley, should have ate one of the ten different foods I gave you for dinner. Back to bed, dude."

"But mom, I thirsty AND hungry." His little lip quivered. Let the fake crying commence. He'd been going through this stage for months, she was hoping the routine change from Michigan to Canada would put an end to it. Crocodile tears began to fall from his eyes.

"Bentley, you had plenty of chances to eat. You need to go back to sleep, we both have to get up early tomorrow." She scolded, rubbing her temples. Most mom's say that bedtime is the best time of day, but for her and B it was a nightmare.

"But I wanna stay up with you!"

"Bentley Reed, get your butt back in bed _now_! You have until the count of three, if you're not back in bed I'm going to take away your toys tomorrow. One!" Bentley was snot nosed and crying harder. " **Two!** "

When adults are tired, they go to bed. But when toddlers are tired? They hate everything. Jaycee slammed her can on the table quietly, not wanting to completely lose her shit in front of Spinner. Mom rage is a scary thing.

Spinner intervened before she could get to three. He walked over to Bentley and got eye level with him, rubbing his arms, "Hey, calm down man. Let's go to bed, yeah? If you do, I'll bring you a surprise okay?" Bentley perked up at the word 'surprise', wiping a long string of snot from his nose. "I'll even come lay with you, let's go."

"Otay..." Bentley muttered, pulling Spinner by his fingers to bed with him.

...

When sixty minutes of complete silence had passed, Jaycee went to go investigate. Thirty minutes was the normal time it took to get Bentley to bed but she found it odd Spinner never came back after the toddler fell asleep. A too big Spinner hung off the child sized bed, all the room on the mattress of course being taken up by Bentley who was stretched out but curled into Spin's chest at the same time.

She felt her heart tweak as if to say, 'surprise, bitch, I'm not as black as you think.' Stupid feelings. For the first year of Bentley's life, she longed to see Reed curled up with their son, cuddled into him like his life depended on it. She often pictured the two of them snoozing away in a too small bed, one on either side of Bentley, the perfect little family.

She shook away the disgusting heartwarming feeling overcoming her body, pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of the sight. She scrolled through her contacts until she found Liberty's number and attached the picture to the blank message. She walked around the motel chronicling their slightly boozy adventure, including a picture of him she snapped in secret, for this very reason. It was a simple picture, a side view of him hunched over the controller in deep concentration. She added it to the slideshow and sent the proof to Liberty.

 **Happy now?!**


	5. Girls Supporting Girls

"So?"

"So _what?_ "

"Don't 'so what' me. Your night with Gavin?"

"You got the text, didn't you?"

Liberty bunched a t-shirt in her fists, launching it at Jaycee's face. Though 'fun' had never been in either of the their vocabularies, they thought it best to break away from introverting and off putting the world outside of Liberty's bedroom...and into her hot tub. It was a simple break they both needed, Liberty pouring her soul into class presidency to keep her mind distracted, Jaycee forever focused on being the best mom she could be.

She intercepted the shirt Jaycee flung back and threw it back in the drawer, "Yes, I got the texts but I need details. Why was he in Bentley's bed? Has Gavin Mason replaced me as B's best friend? WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?"

"Liberty Van Zandt, are you trying to enrich your pathetically boring life by gossiping? By Jove, you are a normal girl!" Jaycee snickered, kicking at the back of Liberty's heels.

She kept her back turned to Jaycee as she switched out her bra for a swim top. "Taking an interest in your life hardly qualifies as gossiping. I'm the one who forced you to apologize, I'm well within my rights to ask." She faced Jaycee, smoothing out the wrinkles of her tankini top, "You had a social engagement with a member of the opposite sex, by a definition 'a date', which means you aren't the cold hearted shrew you let on to be, either, so ha."

Jaycee beamed at her comment, "Together we make one half of a whole heart. Feed me and I'll tell you what happened." Liberty opened her bedroom door and motioned for Jaycee to follow her downstairs.

Jaycee stood at the counter, helping Liberty throw together chicken salad for sandwiches. Liberty set a large serving tray in the middle of the counter and they began piling sandwiches onto it. She grabbed two long stemmed wineglasses and a bottle of nonalcoholic merlot her mother kept for when she wanted to maintain her refined composer but wanted to abstain from alcohol as Jaycee grabbed the serving tray and baby monitor while Bentley was down for his afternoon nap.

Goosebumps lined their skin when they stepped outside, winter winds still lingering despite spring being right around the corner, the cold nipped at their toes but would soon be washed away by the bubbling jets of 100 degree water.

Jaycee twisted her hair into a messy bun and secured it on top of her head, sinking into the water, welcoming the warmth. Liberty poured them both a glass of merlot before following suit. It wasn't surprising the two would chose to spend their weekend like a middle aged couple.

"It wasn't a date. The **real** definition of a date, you loon, is a _romantic_ engagement. This was not romantic in any way, shape, or form. You can't bend the human language to shove your point in my face," She took a bite before she continued, "Yes, he forgave me. We didn't do anything spectacular. We played video games, laughed at lame informercals and drank. It was like two dudes hanging out, two straight dudes with absolutely no romantic interest in each other. I can tolerate that. As for Bentley, he woke up and refused to go back to bed. Spin saw the mom rage bubbling over and did me a favor. Says kids love him for some reason. Shocked the hell out of me."

"So you're telling me you dedicated four hours of your life to hang out with Spinner and you _didn't_ end up in a relationship?" Liberty slapped her hand to her cheek, mouth agape in a shocked expression.

"Oh, my hell. Yes, Liberty, you were right. You were right, you were right, you were right! God, why is your most endearing quality also your most annoying one?"

"Lots if things about me are admirable and annoying," she said with a shrug, raising the glass to her lips. "Good. I'm glad you were able to have a good time with him."

Jaycee swirled the glass around, watching the wine slosh onto the sides. She wasn't sure what swishing the wine around would accomplish but she'd people do it in movies before and it just felt 'right.' Curiosity was getting the best of her. Liberty knew so much of her story, the beginning, middle, and thus far, yet Liberty leaked very little of her own. 'Touchy feely' had never been her forte but Liberty had done so much for her, acting as the confidant she'd lacked the past three years. She very much wanted to return the favor. "Can you tell me about J.T?"

Liberty's breath hitched. "It's not something I like to reminisce about."

"I know, Libs. I'm not asking to push my boundaries or upset you. It's just...you know so much of my story. You're living it, you've been there for me and B since we moved here. Hell, you're practically B's other mother. You've made up for years of having no one, I want to be there for you like you have for me. Please, Libs?"

Her skin grayed as she looked into the distance, the tough skinned Liberty turned glass figurine, fragile and vulnerable, "He died on my birthday. The one day that was especially set aside to celebrate my birth, is now a celebration of his death. Not that I much cared for my birthday to begin with. I gave away the last piece of him, the last piece of us. He looks like him, our son. I know adoption was the right thing for my child but knowing that one day our son will look for his birth parents and find out his father is deceased, it crushes me every day. We weren't together when he passed but I still loved him. He still loved me, too. I called him a coward for not admitting it, in the last moments of his life. I'll never forgive myself for that."

Heartache filled the air between them, Jaycee could feel the grief Liberty's heart as if it was her own. It made sense now why she took such an interest in her life, why she was always the first to offer her babysitting services and how she had an immediate attachment to Bentley.

Liberty didn't say another word before she excused herself from the hot tub, taking it upon herself to follow Bentley's voice over the monitor.

 **. . .**

They spent the rest of the night in silence. After putting Bentley to bed for the night, Liberty pulled out a small trunk of memories, showing her pictures of J.T, their son, trinkets and updates the adoptive family sent from Seattle until they grew tired. Liberty placed the trunk back in her closet and crawled next to Jaycee under the covers.

Jaycee was turned on her side, supporting herself on her elbow. She was overwhelmed with admiration at Liberty's strength through her struggles, her couldn't even begin to place herself in Liberty's position. She used to be sad watching her baby grow, until she met a mother who would give anything to simply _have_ hers. "You did the right thing, Libs. I'm proud of you. He would be, too. Bentley is my reason for living but sometimes I think keeping him was selfish. I could have given him a better life but I was so convinced Reed would change his mind about being a dad. You gave your son everything he deserved. That takes courage."

Liberty rolled on her side, "Thank you. It's been a long time since anyone has told me that. Keeping him wasn't selfish, you did what you felt was best—like I did."

"You can borrow B on the dark days, or whenever you just want to have your life ran by a tiny human. From this moment on, you're officially his other mother and we're heterosexual life mates. Good night, wife."

Liberty laughed out loud at her comment as she reached over Jaycee to click the lamp off, "Good night, wife."


	6. Tom Servo

"Your presence has been requested." Jaycee said, flipping the flat part of the chair onto the table. The worst part of closing down The Dot was easily having to turn over all the damn chairs.

"So we hang out once and your hooked, huh? Told you it was impossible to resist _alllllll_ of this." Spinner gestured himself from head to toe.

"Please. Between work and school, I haven't had much time to spend with Benny lately and he's been driving me up a banana asking about 'Pinner', Liberty and I are taking him to the arcade Saturday. Be there."

 **. . .**

"Mom, where my friends? They taking foreberrrr." Bentley jumped up and down at Jaycee's feet. _Right_ on them, to be exact. She winced every time the twenty pound child landed. On the third jump, she caught him and spun him around, causing his legs to flail behind him.

She pulled him towards her, smothering his face with kisses. "I don't know, buddy. Let's call Liberty and find out."

She punched in Liberty's number and put her phone on speaker, "Libs, where you be? My child is impatiently waiting on his other mother."

"Hi, Liberty! I get to play games!"

"Hey, Benny! I know you get to play games, get lots of good prizes with your tickets, alright? I'm gonna talk to your mom now, I miss you!"

"Otay, byeeee." Jaycee took her cell off speaker, balancing it between her ear and shoulder.

"Please tell me your on your way, the only reason I invited Spin is because you _swore_ you'd be here to make me play nice."

"Sorry, Jace, my father won a really important case at work, we're going out as a family to celebrate. You'll be perfectly fine with Gavin for a few hours. Arcades are noisy and busy, you'll barely have to communicate with him."

"God, we are so fighting. I hope your food tastes like guilt."

"You'll be fine, Jaycee Rae. I have to go, my parents are waiting on me."

Jaycee snapped her phone shut, just in time to see Spinner sauntering up with a smile on his face.

"PINNER!" Bentley ran up to him and hugged his calf. Spinner high fived him and picked him up, placing him on his shoulders, "What's up, my dude?" Bentley giggled at his movements, slapping his hands against Spinner's hair. "Liberty running late?"

"Off at some fancy pants dinner with her parents. Can you say complete and total abandonment?" She said with a heavy sigh and began walking to the arcade entrance.

Spinner threw his arm out, blocking the door. His free arm went over Bentley's legs to keep him from falling backwards as he did. "Not so fast, Miss Mopey. I know how this is gonna go down. What's it going to take for you to enjoy your time with me?"

She ducked under his arms and pushed the door open, she tucked her bottom lip under her teeth, contemplating his answer. "Hard liquor but since we're in kiddie funland," her eyes scanned the prize booth as they passed it. They landed on a teddy bear easily the size of her, costing a hefty 50,000 tickets, "That. If I don't get that bear by the time we're finished here, I'm never speaking to you again." No way in hell he could collect that amount of tickets in two hours.

"I could win that in my sleep. You're on. _And_ I'll win that Bentley sized Spider-Man on top of it. Prepare to have you socks blown off by my amazing skee ball skills, Jace."

 **. . .**

"Coming up around the turn! Lean with me, B." Spinner shouted, leaning the plastic motorcycle to the right, bracing B as he did. "Almost there, I see the finish line! We're about to beat Mom!"

Jaycee laughed, mimicking his movements, giving him a light shove. "No!" Her eyes fixed to the screen in front of her, white knuckling the handles on the motorcycle. He was playing her competitive streak against her, a sure fire way to draw out conversation. "You can't shoot a portal at a wall, no way you can beat me in a fake motorcycle ra—" Pixilated flags waved on the screen, the avatar Bentley and Spinner played as taking a victory lap.

"Haha, I beat you mommy!" Bentley pointed and poked her in the cheek. "I win, I win, I win!" He was still braced against Spinner's chest as she went in t to tickle him, sparking a giggle fit from the two year old.

"Fair and square, bud, fair and square," she grabbed Bentley's hands and kissed them, "You, on the other hand, are a cheater. You totally jumped the starting line!"

Spinner bent at his knees to collect the tickets, "Don't be a sore loser, we kicked your butt. You didn't stand a chance against Spinner and B, the most dynamic duo to ever live." He set Bentley down and gestured towards the skee ball machine, "Can't cheat at skee ball. Let's do it, sour puss."

 **. . .**

After a montage of losses at skee ball, an embarrassing 6 to 2, Jaycee cheered Bentley on at Super Shot, Spinner assisting him with 'jump shots'. He made a few on his own and Spinner commented on how he was going to be a natural at basketball once he was old enough to play.

When the game ended Jaycee shook the plastic cup that held the game tokens, two overlapping each other at the bottom. "Okay, dude, we have two tokens left. We can play another game or you can get an alien ball from the claw machine."

"Alien ball! Can it be lellow? I like lellow!" Jaycee nodded, taking him from Spinner.

"I'll catch up with you, I'm going to cash these tickets in." He told her, shaking the tickets in his hand. The ticket count was 5,000 after he scored big on a simple kids game. He walked over to the prize booth and laid the tickets out, looking back at Jaycee as he did. He tapped on the glass counter as he waited for assistance. "Hey, man. Uh, that big Spider-Man and how much for the bear?"

"50,000 tickets."

"That's like, what? $80? $100?" He pulled out his wallet and slid the money towards the employee. His eyes followed Spinner's as he glanced back at Jaycee and the boy with her.

The employee looked around slyly before nodding, "Alright, man, just don't tell my boss," He eyed Jaycee as he began to unhook the life size bear. "Must be special to drop $80 on a lame arcade prize."

"I honestly don't know yet. I hope so." He graciously took the bear and shook the boys' hand in solidarity. He lugged the huge bear on his back, piggy back style when Jaycee came up with Bentley. Her eyes widened and she was slack-jawed at the sight. "Impressed?"

There was a quick flash of anger in her green eyes before being replaced with a comical gleam. He could tell she was holding back a snarky comment by the way her mouth twisted to the side. "I don't even have a place to put the thing."

"C'mon, I'll help you load it into your car." He pulled the inflatable Spiderman from under the bear and presented it to Bentley, who clapped and hugged it to his chest.

Once they were too Jaycee's Jeep, she had Bentley hug the inflatable close again, snapping a quick picture with her phone. She heard Spinner slam the trunk closed as she secured Bentley in the car seat. She shut the door behind her and leaned against it, folding her arms over her chest. "Thanks for palling around with us today. It wasn't as dreadful as I anticipated."

He shoved his hands in his pockets, amber eyes catching hers. The corner of his eyes crinkled like paper as he smiled half heartedly, "I'm a nice guy, you know. And I think you're bad at reading people."

Whatever trace of a smile she had faded at his comment. She tore her eyes away from his face and focused them on the gravel beneath her feet. She stared until she heard him start to turn away and closed her eyes tight, "Do you want to come over for dinner?"

 **. . .**

Though he arrived at the motel just minutes after she did, by the time he came through the door she was dressed in a pair of running shorts and a size too big teal t-shirt that read 'Happy 3rd Birthday, Norbie!' over a screen printed photo of a black and white cat. Her hair hung to her rib cage, curling at the ends. It was the first time he'd ever seen her with her hair down.

He cocked an eyebrow, tugging at the fabric, "Uh, why is there a cat on your shirt? Please don't tell me I'm hanging out with a crazy cat lady."

"The place I used to live in Michigan, one of my roommates had a cat that wasn't expected to live past a year. He did and we threw birthday parties for him every year since. Streamers, party hats, presents, cat friendly cake. The whole shebang."

"Oh, okay. Weirdo." He released the fabric, smoothing out the wrinkles he caused.

Jaycee tossed a beer his way, taunting him with her middle finger. She had a genuine smile on her face, like she was going to make an earnest attempt not to screw this up.

Bentley went down quickly and without fuss, tired out from his busy day and endless retellings of how he and 'Pinner' beat his mom at the motorcycle game. He fell asleep with his Spider-Man as he received it, cuddled tight in a toddler choke hold. The giant bear with tawny fur took residence on the motel bed, where Spinner suggested Jaycee sleep on it instead. It was so soft with velvet fur that she actually considered it.

Not one rude comment passed her lips, a world record for her, as they made dinner together. A concoction of minute ready rice with beef flavoring, ground meat and brown gravy. As would become their tradition, low budget tv played in the background. Tonight they laughed at reruns of Mystery Science Theater 3000. "God, I remember this show! I would watch it when I stayed home sick, it's so bad it's good." Spinner explained excitedly, his excitement only grew when Jaycee confessed she was an avid fan as well and that her first ever crush was Joel Hodgson. They watched in amused silence, only speaking between commercial breaks or to exclaim their mutual love for Tom Servo.

"Struggling single mothers cuisine at its finest, I should write a cook book." She laughed, handing him a bowl. She shut off the portable element before she followed him to the couch.

"Just like Mom used to make," he chuckled, spooning a bite into his mouth. "Hey, uh, speaking of mom's. Next Sunday my mom is coming to my place for dinner. She always brings enough food to feed me for a month, you want to come and have some real food for once? I'll send what's left over home with you."

Jaycee stopped mid-chew at his statement, dropping her fork in the bowl, then dropping it rather loudly on the table in front of her. "Is that why you came over, to offer me hand outs? This right here? Exactly why we can't be friends. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. I'm fine, _we're_ fine. Way to ruin a good evening, Mason."

"That's not what I mea—"

"Get out."

"Jaycee, are you serious? Jesus, you're unbelievable. There is no 'right thing' to say to you, I can't..." He stood up with an exasperated sigh, clenching his fists to compose himself, "Jaycee, there isn't one time since I've met you that I've felt sorry for you. All I'm saying is that you deserve more than frozen meals every night, Bentley deserves more than that. You bust your ass off for him and you work with what you can, but for one night let someone else take care of you. If you come, you come. If you don't, whatever. I know you think you can do this on your own, I don't doubt that you can, but sooner or later you're going to need someone. More than just Liberty. I'm _trying_ to be that someone. Invitations open all week, text me if you change your mind."

She jumped when the door slammed shut. She glanced around the motel until her eyes landed on the stupid stuffed animal. "You," she pointed at the thing accusingly, "This is all your fault."

 **. . .**

Spinner tossed in his bed on Sunday morning. The week had come and gone with minimal contact from Jaycee. She ignored him in class, brushed past him at work, hadn't uttered so much as a single insult to him. He kept his distance, testing her limits, seeing if she'd be the first one to break.

She liked him. She _tolerated_ him but that was plenty to feed his hunger for her friendship. He pulled his phone out from under his pillow.

 **Are you done being a brat?**

He began lowering his phone to his chest but decided against giving her a chance to respond. The first text would either entice her or infuriate her, either way she'd wind up on his doorstep.

 **Offer still stands.**


	7. War Zone

At 2:35 pm, there was a knock at his door. He pulled himself off the couch, wearing a smug grin as he opened the door.

His eyes lingered on Jaycee's face, a half assed smile lifting the corner of her mouth, before he took in the rest of her. She was wearing a pair of dark wash capris that were cuffed above the ankles, a gray cardigan layered over a white thin strapped top, and plain white canvas shoes. Her hair held loose curls, paired with neutral eye make up and mascara. A faux diamond pendant hung where her chest curved.

"Try to make your staring a little less obvious."

He shook his head, resting his arm behind her shoulders as he ushered her in, "You dress like such a mom."

"If I'm expected to meet your mother, I may as well give the illusion my life is somewhat put together." She said, shoving a plastic container of store bought cookies into his free hand. "My contribution."

A sleepy looking Bentley hid behind her legs, as if it was the first time he'd ever met Spinner. "He usually takes his nap about now but he'll be up by the time your mom gets here."

"He can crash on the couch."

Jaycee lifted the two year old up, rocking side to side, lulling him into slumber. She walked into the living room and laid him on the couch.

She put her hands on her hips as she turned to face him, "What kind of mother am I dealing with? Judgmental? Kind and caring?"

"I got my best friend shot, my sister is Asian and adopted. I think teen mom is negative 10 on the judgement scale," He said, matter of fact. "You'll be fine."

 **. . .**

Jaycee's fingers interlocked together, suddenly forgetting what one usually does with their arms. She couldn't feign comfortability in this situation, her relationship was so screwed up with her own mother she didn't know how to act with someone else's.

She watched from a distance as they hugged, she kissed Spinner on the cheek and played with his hair in a motherly fashion. Spinner draped his arms over his mother's shoulder and motioned at Jaycee.

"Mom, this is Jaycee. She moved from Michigan about a month ago."

She offered a warm smile, one that matched Spinner's exactly, "I'm so glad to finally be meeting you. Gavin has said so many good things about you." Instead of a handshake, she pulled her in for a hug. "Gavin told me about your situation, I stopped at the store on my way over and grabbed some things for easy meals and copied some recipes down for you and your son." She handed the groceries to Jaycee after she broke the hug.

"That's really sweet of you, you didn't have to do that."

His mom 'tsk'ed at her as if she was speaking nonsense, "It was my pleasure. I've been in your spot twice, I know what a struggle it is to put food on the table."

A post nap Bentley hid behind his mothers legs, poking his head out with a shy grin. His mother bent at her knees, reaching a hand out to the boy.

"This little prince must be Bentley. I've heard a lot about you, mister."

Bentley examined her hand, looking up to his mother for reassurance. When Jaycee nodded to him, he placed his hand in hers and any trace of shyness melted away.

"I Bentley Reed, I'm two years old! That's my mom, and that's Binner." He was holding her hand now, pointing excitedly at the teens.

"I know, I'm Gavin's mommy. Do you like chicken, Bentley?"

 **. . .**

They crowded around the small dining room table, Jaycee helped lay out the food as Spinner set the table with mismatched plates and drink ware.

Bentley hadn't left Mrs. Masons side, hamming it up and laughing. She complimented how well behaved he was, surprised him with candies and small toys she'd picked up from the store, everything a grandmother would do. He sat in her lap as she began dishing up dinner, Parmesan garlic chicken with roasted red potatoes and asparagus.

"Bentley Reed, come here. Sit next to me so Mrs. Mason can eat her food." Jaycee reached for Bentley but Spinner's mom interjected.

"Oh, honey, he's fine! He is an absolute treasure, I don't mind. You eat up, I'll keep him entertained."

Jaycee smiled, keeping her gaze on Mrs. Mason for a moment. It was obvious where Spinner got his elephant sized heart from. She etched the memory of them playing together into her mind, always wanting to remember Bentley's first 'grandmother' experience. Once the image was photographed in her head, she grabbed a plate and passed it to Spinner before taking one of her own.

"This looks really good, Mrs. Mason." She complimented, cutting up a small piece of chicken and popping it into her mouth. It tasted every bit as food as it looked and she closed her eyes to savor the taste. "Ohmygod," she said between bites, "Can I get this recipe from you? This is the best thing I've eaten in a while, all my food comes in microwave or canned form."

"Of course! I'll write it down before I leave, it's actually Gavin's favorite meal. He requested it so many times growing up, I got so sick of it. I had to tell him the ocean ran out of seaweed," She forked a piece of asparagus and laughed. "Gavin called asparagus 'seaweed' until he was six. Do you remember that, son?"

Jaycee eye'd Spinner with an amused look, not even attempting to hide the laughter that caused her side to cramp. He was mid drink and his mothers story caused him to choke and spit the drink back into the glass, "Mom! What are you going to do next, pull out my baby pictures?"

"I called watermelon 'melberlime' until I was seven." She stumbled on her words, they came out awkward and clumsy, in an attempt to take some of the embarrassment off him. She looked over at Spinner and it was his turn to laugh. Knowing him, though, he'd never let her live that down. "Bentley calls Fruity Pebbles 'Freddy Pembles.'"

Mrs. Mason coo'd at Bentley, teasing him about Freddy Pembles. "So, Jaycee, what made you move to Canada? That seems so far."

Jaycee became uncomfortable at her question and she began to tap her nails on the table. She saw Spinner from her peripherals, holding his glass to his lips, waiting for her to respond. The realization that she'd never even told Spinner about _why_ she moved suddenly dawned on her. It made his efforts to pry his way into her life seem more valiant at that point. She cleared her throat, "I just didn't have a good support system in Michigan. My mom wouldn't have anything to do with me after I refused alternative choices with my pregnancy. I emancipated myself and started living with Bentley's father. It wasn't any better there, though. We lived in section 8 housing in an area that had a pretty big drug problem. He was a dealer and a user. Admittedly I was, too, until I got pregnant. He didn't want to be a dad and kicked me out when I was six months along. A few weeks after that, I went into premature labor and had to have an emergency c-section, I lived at the hospital for three months until Benny was healthy enough to take home. I moved back in with my mom after but she wouldn't acknowledge the fact she had a grandson or a daughter, so I left. Where I lived is only 5 hours away from the boarder. I wanted to get as far away from Michigan as possible in case anyone came looking for me."

Both Spinner and his mom wore somber expressions, almost regretting asking the question. "What about your father?"

Jaycee expelled a deep breath. Her life was practically a Lifetime special. "He died when I was ten. He was in the military and killed in a car wreck while he was deployed." She pushed her food around on her plate as she spoke, avoiding the sympathetic looks they both had. Mrs. Mason stood up and pulled Jaycee out of her chair, embracing her. She stroked the back of her hair as if she was her own daughter.

"I'm so sorry, honey. You are incredibly brave beyond your years. Forgive me for being foreword but if you need anything—and I mean _anything—_ at all, don't hesitate to reach out. Day or night, Gavin and I will help you with whatever you need."

Jaycee stayed in her arms longer than she intended, biting back tears that pricked her eyes. "That means so much, thank you. Gavin has already been a tremendous help. I haven't been welcoming of that and I'm sorry. It's clear where he gets his heart from."

Mrs. Mason nodded her head as she withdrew from the hug, keeping both hands on Jaycee's arms, "I raised a good man. I understand the pride of not wanting to be helped but it takes a village." She used the heel of her hand to wipe away a few tears of her own. "Now, let's lighten the mood, shall we? Gavin and I usually play cards on Sundays but, since we have a little one, I think we can find something that includes him as well."

 **. . .**

The night ended on a light note as she promised. They spent the rest of the evening playing hide and seek around the small apartment, playing music and stopping it, making everyone freeze where they stood, and ate whipped cream topped cookies.

She hugged Mrs. Mason goodbye, thanking her for the meal and groceries as well as promising her she would be more accepting of Spinner's help.

It's funny how the same words can sound completely different coming out of another's mouth. Spinner and Liberty had spent the last month telling her it was perfectly alright to accept help once in a while but hearing from Spinner's mom resonated within her deeply. Perhaps it was because Mrs. Mason was the type of mother her own had used to be that made her tone down her malicious nature. Whatever it was, she made a silent promise to herself that she would follow through with her word.

She ran the plate Spinner had handed her under the running water and placed it on the towel next to the sink. "Your mom is nice."

"Yeah, she's pretty great. I'm glad you got to meet her."

"Me, too. Thank you for inviting me, even though I got mad at the initial invitation. I don't mean to be so vile all the time."

"I knew you'd show up. You're stubborn as hell and I thought for sure you just came to bitch me out...but I'm glad you quit acting like the world was out to get you long enough to be here."

She suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Too much truth.

When Spinner handed her the next plate, she turned it to the side under the running water, soaking his face and shirt.

"Still glad I came?" Her face wore an impish grin. It was the only way she could think to diffuse the truth bomb he'd dropped on her without ruining the evening, as she so often did.

He ran a hand over his face, flicking the water into the sink. "You are so dead." With his kitchen turned war zone, he cupped his hands together and sunk them into the sudsy water, throwing it in her direction. Jaycee had stepped back, barely dodging the attack. When she did, he turned the hose on her, gripping her by the wrist so she couldn't step away. She yelped with laughter, bending her arm over her face to deflect the water beating on her face, dripping down into her cleavage. "You started a water war with the wrong person, girl." His laugh was semi-maniacal as he sprayed her from head to toe. She squealed with giggles and 'stops', a laugh from her was all he wanted and now he had no intention of making it stop.

She used the wet floor to her advantage and slipped out of his grasp. She grabbed the same plate that started the battle and used it as a shield, walking towards the kitchen table. She snatched a whipped cream can of the table, aiming it at him with her finger on the nozzle. "Put the sprayer down and no one gets creamed," she watched as he put a defensive palm up, sliding the hose back into the sink. She never took her eyes off him as she crossed the threshold into the living room. "This is a nice couch," she ran her hand along the microfiber, "it would be a shame if anyone were to get whipped cream on it."

He approached her timidly, making her believe she had the upper hand. If someone had told her a month ago she'd be in a western stand off with Gavin Mason, threatening him with a whipped cream can and laughing herself to tears, she would have called them mentally unstable.

He noticed her arm start to relax, her finger falling from the nozzle. He took two long strides and tackled her onto the couch. She screamed out as her back hit the cushions and began open fire with the whipped cream, getting both herself and the top of of his head. Jaycee flailed her arms sporadically as they wrestled around for custody of the can. Spinner separated himself from her long enough to shake the whipped cream from his hair and smear it on to her face. She took the opportunity to pull her knees to her chest, creating a wedge between their bodies. "Truce, truce, truce!" A boisterous, unladylike laugh shook her shoulders. Her hands were at the base of his neck and she could feel his laugh, a low rumble like stones being tossed around.

It was fucking infectious.

He pushed sticky strands of hair out of her face but kept his hand on her cheek as he stared down, still chuckling and taking in the ridiculous sight of her covered in the white substance. He could only imagine how _he_ looked, where she sprayed him directly in the face, but that only made his throaty laughter intensify.

The laughter was sucked dry from their throats as they realized the awkwardness of their position. This was one of the few times in his life he honestly sought friendship from a girl yet they somehow tangled themselves into a romantic comedy scene.

Jaycee wondered if he could feel her heart beat bombastically in her chest from where he was at. She was breathless now, maybe even a little horror stricken. She was slightly mortified she had let her guard down with him.

Reading the expression in her eyes he removed himself from the couch and offered his hand to pull her up. She took it and leaned against the arm of the couch.

Spinner walked to the bathroom, grabbed two fluffy towels, walking back into the living room. He took the other end of the couch, lightly smacking her in the face with the white towel as he handed it to her. She gave him a half smile and began tousling her dampened hair with it. As he watched her, he began to piece together her personality, seeing it as a whole; she either laughed too loudly or not at all, loved too fiercely or hated with every fiber of her being, there was no room for grey areas in her life. He wondered what it was like to experience feelings to such extremities. It was very rare that he found middle ground in something, he often took the world on with his whole heart and slathered negativity with silver linings.

"Have you found an apartment yet?" He ran the towel over his head, scrubbing the now hardened whipped cream out.

"I saw one in the paper. I'm going to look at it tomorrow after school." His hair had fallen from his usual faux hawk and was laying in it natural state across his forehead. Jaycee gawked. She hated that he looked so adorable in this moment.

"I'm coming with you. There's some places I looked at before decided on this apartment that are still available. We can start there."

Her smile gave him approval. She no longer wanted to be an island.

 **Authors note: This chapter...I had so much trouble writing it and, as you probably guessed, that's why I posted two chapters in one day. I rewrote this chapter probably three times, I wasn't sure what direction I wanted to take Jaycee in but I think I'm pleased and I hope you are as well. It's tremendously hard transitioning her into less of an asshole but I truly think chapter seven brings her character new light. Enjoy!**


	8. Sugar

Jaycee sat at the small table in her living room, hands tangled in her dark hair. There was paperwork splayed out in front of her in no particular order. She bit down on the pen in her mouth, calculating the amount of money her tips brought in monthly. Being in the restaurant business, where days could fluctuate between extremely busy and ghost town hardly gave her an idea of a 'budget.'

Her and Spinner were going to look at apartments after school but she dropped Bentley off at a daycare and decided to skip the entire day. She gathered up proof of income, emancipation documents, custody orders, passports, whatever she had brought with her to present to the landlord. The chances of her bringing in enough money to pay rent monthly was depressingly low and mocked her.

"We'll barely be scraping by." The numbers on paper didn't lie. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands until squiggly lines started to appear as she melted into the couch, the reality of poverty sinking in. As much as she hated her mother for disowning her, at least in Michigan she had a free roof over her head but the snide remarks that boarded on abusive made struggling seem like a vacation. Liberty had offered her basement to her but, due to the disapproval of her parents, she declined. They labeled her a bad influence, thinking Jaycee would scar their daughter up and drive her to some sort of pregnancy pact. Nope, one womb nugget was enough for her. She never entertained the thought of kids, thinking she'd live her life in drug fueled bliss along side Reed.

Her hands fell from her face and she reached across the table for her phone, checking for a text from Liberty. She was probably having a heart attack, wondering why Jaycee was skipping school.

She left it on the table and walked to the vanity area of the bathroom where her breakfast of stale Cheetos and vanilla iced coffee sat. She examined herself in the mirror as she stuffed cardboard tasting delights into her mouth. Last nights confessions of why she left Michigan left her dementedly nostalgic. She had come a long way since being with Reed. In Michigan, she was bone thin—weight a whopping 89 pounds. Adderall addiction paired nicely with anorexia, which she battled until pregnancy. She smooth her hands over the pounds on her stomach; pregnancy, Cheetos and iced coffee bringing her to a healthy 125 pounds.

She finished her Cheeto's breakfast and began rummaging through her bag for something to wear. Spinner would be at the motel to meet her in an hour and she felt a ridiculous need to impress him. The thing about relentless men was you couldn't ignore them. They would ask enough and wear you down. Most women found that a redeeming quality in a man, someone willing to invest in the relationship. Jaycee had never categorized herself as most women but she felt it was time to open herself up to someone willing to invest in her. She also felt the need to call Liberty in crisis mode, looking for someone to slap some sense into her but also complain over her lack of a wardrobe.

"He's just a boy, Jaycee. They're made of all the same junk." she reminded herself. Their interactions last night left a bittersweet taste in her mouth. It was exhilarating and stupefying, feeling another mans touch. She thought back to way his lips lingered on hers, if only for a moment. He could have kissed her if he wanted to. Hormones in overdrive, she would have let him before her logic brain intervened.

She came across a pair of burgundy lace panties and almost laughed at them. They'd been long forgotten, she'd thrown out anything remotely close to sexy after Reed demolished her. She ran her fingers over the lace for a moment before deciding to slip them on. Not that she had any intention of letting Gavin see them anytime soon but the fact he treated her like a person and not a statistic, gave her reason enough to wear them. Baby steps, Jaycee. Her eyes jolted back in the mirror, she pulled her shirt enough to get a full view of her bottom in the cheeky lace. She always felt safer wrapped up inside herself but her ass looked _great_ in those panties. She relished in her rare moment of narcissism and gave herself an approving pat on the butt before pulling a pair of skinny jeans over her thighs. She replaced her bedtime shirt with a black tank top and a red plaid shirt, leaving it unbuttoned. She decided to leave her hair down, last nights curls leaving loose waves from sleeping on them but kept her face bare.

She hummed an unfamiliar tune as she walked into the living room to retrieve her phone. There was a text from Spinner, sent fifteen minutes ago, stating he was on his way. Jaycee gathered together her stack of paperwork and bag, closing the door behind her to meet him in the parking lot.

He was already standing by her car, mid phone call. He flipped his phone shut when he saw her and smiled, "You look like a real teenager today. It's a damn shame, the 'mom' look was really growing on me."

She jingled her keys in response. "I'm driving," she said, "If I find an apartment, they'll probably need my vehicle information."

"I think you've got your entire life story in that pile of paper work. What's all that about?" He watched as she climbed into the drivers seat, tucking one leg underneath her bum when she sat. There must be some genetic trait girls share that made them all drive like that. She dropped the stack of papers into his lap.

"Basically. It's all legal shit, emancipation order, custody orders, passports—pretty much everything proving I'm my own legal guardian." She took notice to the bag on the floor of the car, "What's in the bag? Swear to God, if you're pulling some prank about moving in with me, I'll turn this car around so fast."

He grinned, dumping the contents onto his lap. "Road trip food, Jace! Sour straws, gummy bears, Starbursts, jerky, pop, chips. All the essentials."

"It looks like an unsupervised five year old was given $20 and told to go nuts in the candy aisle. We'll be in the car an hour at most."

"More like $50, duh, Jaycee. And if you don't leave the gas station with less than $50 in snacks, you ain't road tripping right."

"You're an idiot." she laughed, her nose crinkling when she did. She dug her hand into the pack of blue sour straws he opened up and let one dangle from her lips.

He pulled on it, stretching it until it broke in half, "I don't share my candy with people who call me an idiot. Now I have to eat all this candy by myself, get a stomach ache, and you'll feel terrible for being so mean to me."

She didn't have a quip to deliver but when he looked at her, she was still laughing and clutching a handful of hair in her hand. Breaking her down, truly getting a handle on her personality, had been far harder than he'd ever imagined but he took her 'insult' as a win. Jaycee cut through bone when she wanted to hurt someone, cutting at the deepest part of them. 'You're an idiot' was tame. With her jaded personality slowly deteriorating the more time they spent together he realized 'you're an idiot' was a compliment coming from Jaycee.

 **. . .**

The first apartment, the landlord took one look at her and immediately dismissed her. Renting to a minor with a child was far too big of a challenge for the landlord to take on, despite the legal documents stating she was an adult in the eyes of the law.

Her luck with the second apartment wasn't much better. The rent was too high and the neighborhood was no better than the one the motel was located in. It was too far from Degrassi and B's daycare to make the commute justifiable.

"Third times the charm. Isn't that what they say?" Spinner held a hopeful tone in his voice. Jaycee looked beaten down, though, dark circles under her eyes intensified and her cheeks had a hollowed look to them. Their conversation in the car was decent, they stuffed their faces with junk food and narrated the lives of families driving along side them in goofy voices and dark humor jokes. She didn't say a word and kept her flustered looks at the brown carpet beneath her feet. "Hey," he curled his finger and tucked it under her chin, making her look at him.

Whatever bullshit silver lining was about to come out of his mouth, she didn't want to hear it. She wanted to dwell in her favorite past time, depression. She gave him a hard look.

"You're wasting my sugar with that pout. We didn't skip class and get all hopped up on candy for you _not_ to get an apartment. I've got a good feeling about this one so lighten up, sugar."

"Meh."

"Did you seriously just 'meh' me?"

"MEH!" She cried louder, knocking on the office door.

"Oh, I'll give you something to 'meh' about." He let her chin go and went for her rib cage, a ticklish spot he found last night.

"Stop!" She tried to conceal her laughter, simply to spite his sugar speech, and bent at the waist to get away. He wrapped his arms around her waist, letting her dangle over his arms. His fingers continued digging into her sides. "You don't even tickle! You're just...stabbing me with your bony ass fingers. Gavin!" She kicked her legs, attempting to free herself from his grasp but he flung her from side to side playfully. He truly did enjoy this new found personality, he actually started to believe there was a hole where her heart should be the way she'd acted towards him.

They continued on for a few moments, until a portly brunette man opened the door. He raised an eye brow and cleared his throat at them.

Jaycee bolted upright, smoothing her wild hair down. The smile wiped away from her face and she resumed her flat personality. "We spoke earlier today. I'm here to look at some apartments."

"Young mother, right?"

"That's me. My names Jaycee. Here's the paperwork containing all the information we spoke about on the phone."

He thumbed through the papers, glancing from them to her. "Everything looks in order. You ever rent an apartment before?"

"Not exactly. My name was on a lease in some section 8 ones in the states, but you can call my old landlord for reference. I'm an excellent tenant. I keep to myself a lot, my child isn't a heathen. I go to work, school, and come home."

The man nodded and returned to his office briefly, returning with three sets of keys. "Follow me." As they walked through empty corridors, he made conversation with Spinner about his inquiry with the apartments a few month back.

The first one he showed her was too small for her and Bentley, being a studio apartment. She'd had enough of cramped spaces and was wanting something more spacious for B to explore. She leaned across the bar separating the kitchen from the hallway in the second one. "This one is roomy," she mentioned to Spinner. "Lots of room for kid to play."

"It's just been refurbished with new carpets and appliances. Most utilities are included, all you'll have to pay is hydro and whatever extras you want."

"How much?"

"$1,600 per month. There's a laundry room and gym on site and if you want pets, a $400 pet deposit and $15 added onto rent."

Her shoulders slumped at his comment. What she made in tips on top of her check would cover rent and rent alone.

"That's less than what I'm paying at the motel and I can barley afford that."

"What about the third one?" Spinner asked, looking at the third set of keys.

The man frowned at his question. "The carpets need pulled up and there's some plumbing and dry wall issues. My maintenance crew was supposed to have it done last month but it's been tough getting them to work lately. I can show it and if you're interested, it's yours. However, you wouldn't be able to move in for another six months."

Jaycee considered the offer. A guaranteed apartment was hard to pass up on but she was unsure if she could take six more months of motel living. "I want to see it."

The landlord led them to the final apartment and unlocked the door. The carpet was stained to hell, lifting up in the corners and had a tear in the center of the living room. The dry wall had large holes in it, and there was smoke damage and water stains on the walls. The layout was similar to the others, most of the damage was in the living room and hallway. She examined the two bedrooms, the paint was chipped and yellowed but nothing that couldn't be solved with a fresh coat. "How much would it be after repairs?"

"$950. It's one of my older units, I wasn't planning on refurbishing it for another few years. It has good bones."

Jaycee looked at Spinner, who was seemingly on the same wave length. "What if we fixed it up? Obviously, your guys would do all the wiring and some of the plumbing but if I did the rest, would you be willing to cut me a deal?" When Reed wasn't busy hustling, he worked part time for his fathers construction business. Most days, when he was too strung out to function, Jaycee would go in on his behalf and work on side projects so they could continue to have a roof over their heads. She picked up on dry walling and minor plumbing issues quickly—enough to where she could repair their own apartment when management was too busy looking down their nose at her and Reed. She couldn't blame them. A pregnant fifteen year old and junky baby daddy was hard not to judge but Jaycee was the only one to make an attempt at turning a drug house into a suitable home for a soon to be mother. Eventually, they saw how much work she was putting into fixing what they refused to and started cutting her rent down by $50 increments. She knew it was a stretch to fall into the same kindness again but she was trying to make her silver lining.

"That's a huge liability for me."

"I know. I realize I am asking a lot but I know what I'm doing. My father was a contractor, my old apartment let me do something similar, they can vouch for me." She bit her lip waiting for a response. Spinner stood of the the side, thumb and pointer finger outstretched over his chin. He looked at the landlord and motioned his head toward the door, and the landlord nodded.

"Jace, I got this."

"I don't ne-"

"Jaycee. _Let me handle this._ " He didn't wait around for her to protest and followed the landlord into the hall, shutting the door behind him.

He stood diagonal to the landlord, learning against the door. "Look, man, I know we're asking for a lot here. She's living in a motel in the bad part of town, with a two year old. She has nothing and nowhere else to go. Your crew can sit along with us, you can code check, whatever it takes for you to go along with this, we'll do it. I'm eighteen, I can co-sign. I know she doesn't need legally need me too but I'm willing to take financial responsibility if we can get her into the apartment."

"I'm sorry, I wish there was something I can do but my hands are tied. I would lose my job if someone were to find out."

"No one ever will. We'll pay for everything out of pocket and everything big will be handled by your guys. You'll only have to pay for what your guys do. We're doing you a favor by fixing this place up for basically free. Please, I'm literally begging you to take a chance on this. No one will know."

He was pacing the corridor now, weighing the pros and cons of the offer. Legalities, technicalities, the chances of a random act of kindness biting him in the ass...

He brushed his mustache with his fingers, finally ready to concede. "I'll need first and last months rent, up front and today. Normally, I wouldn't collect it until she moved in but since I'm sticking my neck out for her, I need it ASAP. If you sign the lease today, I can write it off as tenant repairs. In addition, I'll also need you to sign a release form stating I'm not responsible for any injuries that may occur

during renovation, meaning you cannot sue either me or the apartments should something happen. Someone will be with you at all times overseeing the work you do. When the apartment is finished, I'll consider rent reductions. I'll meet you in office to start paperwork."

Spinner's eye lit up and he resisted the urge to engulf the large man in a bear hug. "You got it. You have no idea how much this means, you won't regret this." He shook the mans hand with too much enthusiasm before he flung open the door. "Jace! You got the apartment!" Jaycee looked at him wide-eyed as he stepped towards her, lifting her up and hugging her.

"Seriously? He agreed? Spinner, that's amazing! What did you say to him to make him change his mind?!"

"We have to meet him in the office to go over all the legal mumbo jumbo. Just one little thing: I had to co-sign in order for him to agree. Don't be mad, but it's the only way he would even consider it."

"Mad? Spinner, you _got me_ an apartment. My pride can take a hit if it means I can get out of that shady motel. Oh, my god. My son has a home, a real fucking home." Her hands clasped over her chest as she took in the apartment, dreaming of how exactly she would decorate it, of all the memories she would make with her son. Her domestic goddess was flourishing on the inside; she would have a three person housing warming party, birthday parties, 'finally stop taking all of life's bullshit' parties. She would keep her cabinets stocked with Milano's and goldfish crackers for Bentley and guests, and week old Cheetos for herself.

She took one last look at the apartment, picturing it for what it could be instead of what it was, before leaving.

They clamored in excitement on the way to the office to seal the deal.

 **. . .**

"You can tell me how much you adore me now." Spinner set his elbows on the table, resting his chin in his palms with a dreamy gleam in his eye. All of her meals today had been junk food and her body was craving protein. They stopped at a small Mexican restaurant half way home, Jaycee growing hangry and impatient with Spinner's constant need to talk."

"I'm glad I didn't die before I met you." That damn song again. The same tune she hummed on her way out the door this morning came back to her in a sarcastic reply. Why couldn't seem to place her finger on the artist yet the lyrics came out of her mouth without second thought. "Have I stroked your ego enough yet?"

"Not even close, Jace. I feel like a freaking God right now, my ego is as big as your stomach." He looked at the plate of food the waiter had set in front of her. She ordered three chimichangas with extra beans and rice, two ears or

Mexican street corn and a side of chips and salsa. _I love a girl that can put food down._ He thought to himself. Over his dating years, he'd never seen Paige, Darcy or Manny eat more than a small chicken breast and a side salad in front of him. She thanked the waiter and started snapping her fingers and wiggling her shoulders in a 'Carlton' style dance. "Are you DANCING right now?"

She dropped her fork as quickly as she picked it up, cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. When she started Bentley on solid foods, dancing was the only way to get him to open his mouth. Forget airplanes and choo-choo noises, B was all about embarrassing his mother to the fullest extent. It was a habit that never seemed to fade even after he learned to feed himself. "Shut up, 'I called asparagus sea weed until I was six'. I'm starving! Food makes me happy, you helped get me an apartment, and today makes two whole days without us fighting. I can dance if I want to."

"You're seriously the weirdest person I know. The more I get to know you, the weirder you become. I can't tell if it's adorable or a sign for me to run."

Jaycee flicked the corner of a tortilla chip at his forehead, "You ordered a burger and fries at a Mexican restaurant. I don't even want to hear your criticisms of my food dancing."

He rubbed the spot where the chip hit with fake offense. "I've never liked Mexican food much. I had a bad tamale experience at school my freshman year, totally turned me off from it forever."

"Blasphemer. We're fighting, for ten minutes."

"Only ten? That's definitely a new record for you." Spinner picked up his hamburger with both hands and started doing a dance resembling the cabbage patch with it. Somehow, he didn't think his food dance looked nearly as adorable as Jaycee's did.

She laughed so hard, salsa came out of her mouth and dribbled down her chin. She held an open palm under to catch the chunky red slime. "You are bonkers. And bad at food dancing, leave it to the professionals yeah?"

"Like, oh my god, totes bonks, Jace." Spinner voice took on a valley girl tone and he waved his hand around flamboyantly, wiggling his eye brows. Jaycee scrunched up her face and stuck her tongue out at him, biting it between her teeth lightly. She collapsed back into the booth, clenching her stomach.

"I think I ate myself into a food coma. You're driving back." She slid the keys towards him as the waiter dropped the check off at the table. Her and Spinner reached for it at the same time, both glaring daggers at each other in a mock showdown. The waiter stood quietly for a moment, watching they bicker about who was going to pay. It was entertaining at first, until they started threatening to stab each other with utensils to settle who would cover the check. The waiter was long gone before they decided to spilt the expense like civilized members of society. Spinner was trying to be a gentleman but Jaycee was her own in a weird, kind of sexy, kind of scary way.

They walked to the car, still spitting playful threats at each other. Jaycee hopped into the passenger seat, resuming the same position she sat in on the drive over and plugged connected her iPod to the cassette adapter.

Entirely too exhausted from sugar and Mexican food, she pressed her for head against the window and took in the sunset.

' _And so I thought I'd let you know, that things take forever, I especially am slow. But I realized that I need you, and wondered if you could come home.'_

It wasn't until Spinner began to sing quietly that the lyrics penetrated her thoughts. It was the same song she'd been singing all fucking day, the tune she'd been humming, the lyrics she spoke to Spinner at the restaurant.

She lifted her head from the window and turned the volume down a few notches. When you become enamored with someone, you slowly start to paint scenes of a life with them. Her heart flinched at the image of them in the car as they were now, only Spinner's hand was resting on her thigh. She pulled her knee up to her chest as if it would shake the image from her head. It didn't. He took his eyes of the road for a moment and smiled at her. She wondered if the same image flashed in his mind, too. She pulled her knee in tighter as the song continued.

' _Besides, maybe this time it's different. I mean, I really think you like me."_

Her heart was toast.

 **Song: First Day of my Life—Bright Eyes.**


	9. Real

Her eye twitched as she stared down the white wall in front of her. Paint was peeling off the wall, spiraling into itself. She scratched at it with her finger nail.

The landlord was quick to follow up on his word. Maintenance took two weeks to address and fix all the plumbing and wiring. She'd invested over $250 alone in supplies and the rest was on her. She cut class early to be here, eager to start the repairs. Paint cans and tool bags surrounded her as she surveyed the living room. What the hell did she get herself into?

She grabbed a wash cloth from the bag of supplies, gloves and a plastic bucket to mix the cleaning solution in. She walked to the kitchen sink to fill up the bucket, the water pressure good as new. She turned on the sink in the bathroom and flicked on all the lights to test the repairs they did. The water didn't sputter out and the overhead lights didn't spark or flicker as they did two weeks ago.

The maintenance man came in quietly, settling himself into the corner of the kitchen. He pulled out a portable DVD player to make the most of the easiest job he'd ever had.

She pulled her iPod and headphones from her personal bag. Normally she lived for silent rooms but the awkward presence of a stranger blaring toilet humor comedy made her uncomfortable. She turned her music up until she could no longer hear the comedic stylings of Clown Academy 2.

Jaycee snapped on a pair of latex cleaning gloves and plunged her hand into the chemical cocktail and started scrubbing the walls in the living room. The dirt lifted with some elbow grease but scrubbing did not make a remarkable difference, the walls were still coated in a thick layer of grime. Sweat beaded her forehead as she made her way around the living room. Cleaning was a sweaty job. She glanced over her shoulder at the man crouched in the kitchen before she shed the shirt bearing the business logo to Reed's old construction company, now standing in black sweatpants and a purple tank top.

When she finished the walls, she grabbed a utility knife from the bag and dug the blade in the carpet, making a long incision from one wall to the other. Her finger nails lifted the carpet from the baseboard and rolled it into a neat fashion. She continued until her fingers were raw from carpet pulling, making a mental note to get some thicker gloves for the next time. She positioned herself into yoga poses to loosen herself up. Other mother Liberty was picking up Bentley from day care and she knew she had a few hours to dedicate to renovations before she had to resume the role of mom.

Yoga had never been something she could get into, the child's pose was meant to be relaxing but it just cramped her back and made her arms burn. She gave up after a few moments and let her arms fall like limp noodles into her sides, staying like that with her forehead pressed into the carpet.

Between song changes, she heard the door open. She lifted her head long enough to see who had walked in on her impromptu yoga session and crashed it back down with a 'thud.' Spinner stood next to her, holding items in his hand.

"I'm alrebby offervhelmed."

"What?" He asked, this time tucked his foot under her ribs and flipped her onto her back. Jaycee brought her hands to her eyes and pulled her skin down until the reds of her eyes showed.

"I said, I'm already overwhelmed. Why did I think I could re-do this stupid apartment?It's a disaster. I cleaned the walls...which now I realize doesn't make sense cause they'll just get dirty again until I get all the carpet out."

Spinner crashed down next to her. "Sit up. I got you something." Once she was in a upright position, he handed her a cup of iced coffee and a potted plant. A single orange peony sprouted from the center of the soil and she paused to smell it. Jaycee marveled at it, touching the petals with the pads of her finger tips. Reed only bought her flowers when he screwed up.

"It's real." She observed, distracting the butterflies stirring in her belly by sipping her iced coffee.

"Yeah it's real. B's dad never got you real flowers?"

"No." Her eyes were large and dipped downward, vulnerability wavering her green irises.

What kind of guy doesn't give his girlfriend real flowers? He reached out and squeezed her thigh. "C'mon. This carpets not going to pull itself."

They spent the next hour ripping up carpet and playing twenty questions.

"Favorite pastime?"

"Self loathing."

"That's not a pastime. Give me something real."

"The crazy cat lady and I would drink White Russians and cross-stitch vulgar sayings onto pillows while watching those top model shows. We'd do it every Friday. I don't miss a lot about Michigan but I miss her. Any odd talents?"

"Not really odd but drumming. I used to be in band with Jimmy and some of my other friends. We fought so hardcore all the time, could never decide on lyrics, but we had fun. I haven't played much since what happened with Jimmy."

"Favorite song?"

"Everything by Elton John. You?"

"Anything that's not sang by a country singer."

"You just crushed one of my dreams." Jaycee said, her voice light.

"You don't have a truck, a dog, or a wife to sing about. Move on to the next dream, Jace."

"I get to crush one of your dreams now. Spill the beans, Mason."

"Nothing to crush. Right now my only dream to getting Jimmy to forgive me. Fuck, I deserve every bit of his anger but it's hard. One time, we made up a rap trying to cheer Craig up after a break up. It's one of my favorite memories and I think about it a lot. Just sucks, is all."

He wasn't looking at her as he spoke. Their personalities had been reversed so suddenly and Jaycee didn't like it. She was the queen of making people recall horrible times in their life. She set the utility knife to the side and leaned into him, laying her head on his shoulder. She didn't know what else to do. He was so warm, like his personality.

For a moment, she was human and he embraced it all by wrapping his arms around her, the feeling of her body so close to his more soothing than he expected.

They were interrupted by a knock at the door—their Chinese food, most likely. Aside from Cheetos, she rarely ate but she was always stuffing her face around Spin. Maybe it was The Dot and their free food during the shift perk that changed her eating habits. Often times after close, they would talk and pop jalapeños into their mouths.

"Probably our food. You grab the door, I'll finish up what's left of the carpet." His head swam with excitement of their new relationship as he let her go to answer the door. He heard the rustling of plastic and styrofoam as he worked.

 **. . .**

Spinner followed her home. Jaycee had started to drift off on a pile of old carpet by the time 9pm hit and he didn't want to chance her falling asleep at the wheel knowing she would have Bentley in the car.

She leaned against the hood of her car before getting Bentley out, tips of her shoes touching Spinner's.

"We finished that whole living room in, like, 6 hours! Can I get a 'hell yeah'?" He raised his hand above his head for her a high five. She reciprocated his 'hell yeah' with a smile and did the same, pressing her palm to his. "God, you stink. Go take a shower, smelly."

"Hey, I wiped my pits with baby wipes. That's more than I can say for you, Gavin." She laughed, pressing her weight into his palm.

"Haven't we passed the point of you calling me Gavin? My mom is the only one who still calls me that."

"Nope, Gavin for life." The playfulness of their actions continued unconsciously as they bantered and she felt her fingers intertwine with his. She lowered their hands until they were bent at the elbows. Her skin tingled under his touched. She indulged in the moment even when she felt heat rise to her cheeks when their eyes met.

Spinner was wearing his trademark grin, curved to the side. Friends held hands, right? "You should get inside and sleep. We have work and school tomorrow." He didn't release her hand.

"I suppose you're right. Night, Gavin." It took so much of her to untangle her hand from his. Jaycee could tell that they had hit a crossroads, neither of them sure what was blossoming between them was what they wanted to happen.

"Night."


	10. Saltwater & Honey

The sun emitted waves of heat from the center of the sky. Golden sand stretched from coast to coast, crunching beneath their flip flops. Colorful parasols and volleyball nets sprouted from the ground. Spring was finally upon them and after three months of barely seeing Jaycee, Liberty demanded that the three of them hang out, fascinated to see Jaycee's interactions with Gavin.

" _I don't have time for fun, Libs. I still have so much work to do on the apartment. The motel is starting to need rooms."_

" _You're starting to sound like me and we both know there's only room for one Liberty in this civil union. We're going to the beach and you're going to enjoy it."_

Jaycee still shuddered at the take charge tone of her voice. Liberty should have been her other mother instead of Bentley's. They settled on a secluded space away from bon fires and bikini clad classmates, laying out a large blanket.

Liberty grabbed a bottle of sunscreen from their beach bag and began slathering Bentley in it. "Tell me everything! You've been stingy with updates and I need to see what I created."

"There's nothing to tell. Our friendship is based on insults and annoyance, not a lot to be said."

"I've seen you two in class. You haven't said anything mean to him in weeks, you're withholding information. And I, your best friend, have been oh so lonely and forgotten about. Bentley is my only friend anymore." Liberty finished with a dramatic sigh.

"I'll say. You've got the toddler guilt trip down. Fine. I suppose I have been withholding but I don't even know I feel about it, not enough to share. I met his mom. She's sweet. Like, tooth decaying sweet. I see where Spin gets it from. We had dinner, B had his first grandmother experience. It was kind of cute. He broke me down, dude. Pinpointed me. He said I act like the world is out to get me and he's right. I was so angry when he said it but it's the truth. I even apologized for being so nasty. We got into a whipped cream fight and ended up in a compromising position on the couch. We could have kissed, like in the movies. We held hands the last time I saw him."

They lead Bentley to the water, wading him in ankle deep and allowed him to splash around.

Liberty's head was swirling with the new information. "You almost kissed?! Jaycee! It's like I don't even know you right now. What was it like holding his hand?" She sounded like a boy crazy child living vicariously through her older sister.

"He was inches away from my face. _Inches._ It was whipped cream topped cookies and warm showers on cold days." Her eye lids fluttered like a junkies as she went on, "But I'm ill equipped for a relationship. I'm just filler to him, a way to get his mind of Jimmy. We're saltwater and honey."

A wave rolled in and knocked Bentley on his butt, covering his face with a wet kiss. A loud wail escaped from his lips and tears flooded his eyes, mixing with the water that splashed his face. Jaycee lifted him out of the water and returned to the shore, whispering comforting words to him.

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?" Jaycee turned to Liberty with an insulted look on her face. "What makes you think you can dictate my feelings?"

"Forgive my language but I'm calling bullshit, Jace. I'm not dictating anything. You've spent nearly every day of the last three months with him, that's a long time. Long enough to get your feelings figured out. Meeting his mom, holding hands and almost kissing; that's not coincidence Jaycee. To an extent, yes, he is using you to fill a void but friends don't just _almost kiss_ friends. Not you. Not Gavin. I lost a lot of time with J.T because he wouldn't admit his feelings for me. I know the circumstances are different but if there's something there, you need to act on it.

"If there's something where?"

Both of the girls' attention was now on Spinner as he approached. The sun hit him just right, instantly bronzing the skin on his biceps. A gray tank top covered his torso tightly, accentuating the muscles underneath. The sight was enough to make Jaycee's heart stop. She noticed that even Liberty was pink in the cheeks, she felt a twinge of jealousy and cleared her throat loudly. How dare she check out her 'never going to be her boyfriend' boyfriend!

"Nothing. There's nothing anywhere." Jaycee replied, stretching out every syllable of the word to make a point to Liberty. She wondered how much of the conversation he had heard. Given B's cries, probably not much.

"What's the matter, little man? These mean girls picking on you? Don't worry, Binner's here for some quality guy time." Bentley reached out and pinched the air for him. Traitorous child. Jaycee passed him off to Spinner, watching his tears turn off in an instant.

"He doesn't like water on his face. It's some weird sensory overload for him."

Snack King Mason was toting a large bag of sweets and pretzels. "Open these." He tossed the bag to Jaycee with his free hand.

The minor feud between Liberty and Jaycee had ceased as they sat on the blanket. Liberty had purposely wedged herself between a cooler of drinks and the collection of beach bags, leaving Jaycee with no options but to sit by Spinner. Bentley walked in a triangle formation, handing out pretzels to everyone and squealed in delight when they ate them from his hands. Jaycee was leaning back on her elbows next to Spinner with her hand overlapping his. Her eyes bounced from their hands to Jaycee who wore a contented smile. 'Told you.' She mouthed, giving her a thumbs up.

This earned a light laugh from Jaycee. Spinner's forehead creased in confusion, feeling like he was the butt of some joke. "Thrilling conversation, guys. You two always so lively?"

"Indeed. We're like an old married couple." Liberty confirmed his statement with a nod.

"She's not lying. Last week, she fell asleep reading the news paper while I was asleep in the recliner watching tv."

"She was dead asleep but every time I tried to turn off the tv, she'd grunt, say 'I'm watching that!' and fall right back asleep. I woke up to two robots narrating D grade movies."

"That is the greatest television show your eyes will ever behold, Libs. Super exciting times, ladies. Real edge of your seat stuff."

"Oh and like what we do is _so_ much more exiting, Gavin? We make fun of people in informercials and drink shitty beer. Laaaaaame." Jaycee quipped, shoving his head to the side lightly.

"There's no one else I'd rather do boring things with." He tapped his forehead gentle against hers, resting it there. Her eyes closed and a smile formed on her face, enjoying their proximity. Their noses brushed together and it was a delightful sight to see. The likelihood of Liberty finding another mate to share intimate moments with was absolutely out of the question. It pained her but if she couldn't have it, Jaycee deserved a second chance at the love she shared with J.T. She pulled out her camera that she hadn't used since his passing, hid it next to her thigh and snapped a picture of the two. No matter the outcome of the situation, it would prove useful; even if it was a souvenir to maintain her always correct status.

Jaycee's head perked up as she watched Bentley drag the pretzel bag off the blanket, offering a handful to a couple passing by. They took the pretzels graciously and patted him on the head. "Benny come back here! They don't want your pretzels, baby." She got up to redirect him to the blanket as he started trailing another group of passerby's.

"I sharing, mama!"

Jaycee grabbed the bag and rolled the top tightly. "That's nice, sweetie. You should share but you can't follow strangers or run away from Mom. I need to be able to see you at all times."

"True story, dude. They have their own pretzels. Let's go play in the water for a bit. You guys have any toys for him?" Liberty handed Spinner an inflatable tube in the shape of a dragon. She reapplied sunscreen on him and slipped a pair of water wings on his arms. "That includes you wet blankets. Get in the water!"

Jaycee had her chin perched on Liberty's shoulder now and they shook their head in unison. "No way, we have to work soon. I'm not waiting tables smelling like the beach. Don't get in the water with him, he's a mad man. He tried drowning me after Sunday dinner with his mom." She teased.

"If memory serves, _you_ got me wet first. I just paying you back. What's your excuse, Van Zandt?" He thought of all the innuendos he wanted to make towards Jaycee but refrained himself around tiny ears.

"I simply don't like fun."

"You two are a match made in heaven. C'mon, you're wasting a nice day. Man up!"

"You can't manipulate us into the water with a sexist comment." Liberty chided, reaching for a bottle of water. She opened the cap and raised it to her lips.

Spinner paused on his way to the ocean and crushed the plastic bottle in his hands, causing the water to soak both of them. He took a moment to reflect on all his past relationships, nearly all of his interactions with females involved water wars. Women were strange and cliché creatures. "Enjoy pecking at the sand, you chickens!"

"Screw it." Jaycee mumbled. She _was_ the kind of girl who would jump off a bridge to prove a point. She checked to make sure Bentley was still on the shore before running at full speed, slamming her whole body into Spinner, taking them both down into the water. Her hair wrapped unbecomingly around her face when their heads broke the waters surface. "Liberty! Get in the water, get in the water!"

Spinner joined her in her chant, beckoning for Liberty to break her straight lace personality for once in her life. In his entirety of knowing her, he had never once seen her embrace the small joys of life. Liberty shook her head profusely, taking on Jaycee's trademark of trying not to smile. They were hauntingly alike.

Jaycee gave her ten minutes of refusal before she waded back to land, pulling Liberty by the arm and into the jade depths. Spinner swam deeper into the water, watching the splash fight between them. They were shoving and dunking each other, Liberty expressing fake outrage. Liberty had by no means been a close friend or even his favorite person but he was open to them hanging out more if it brought out the best in Jaycee. Without her, he would be nothing more than background noise in Jaycee's no nonsense life. He swam towards the shore, guiding Bentley into the water. He slapped the waters surface and giggled, so happy to be part of the fun. Jaycee and Liberty followed behind him, allowing B to splash them in the face.

They bathed in the suns warmth until it was time for their departure. Jaycee dressed Bentley and packed away her things. "Spin's mom volunteered to baby sit today. I told her she could so you could have a break from our tiny terror."

"I have a lot of student council work I'm behind on, I don't mind. We should hang out more often like this."

Jaycee nodded, welcoming the idea. "I'm already planning a three person house warming party. Thanks, Libs. Sorry I got mad earlier, I think it goes without saying but you were right. I'll start including you in things more, too. I just needed some time to digest everything that's happened."

"Jace, we gotta go."

"Gavin!" Liberty shouted, calling him back with her finger. She walked up to him with her camera in hand, flipping to the photograph she took earlier. She held the view screen up to his face. "If you feel something, you have to tell her. She's too stubborn to admit anything herself."

"You're imagining things, Liberty. Every time I think we're getting close, she wraps a forcefield around herself. Besides, I told her I just want to be friends and I meant that."

Liberty rolled her eyes and bopped him on the nose with the camera. "Look me in the eye and tell me this doesn't mean anything then."

He couldn't do it. The photo said it all and being put through the ringer with her, he couldn't imagine she would canoodle like that with just anyone.

"Jaycee told me everything. I'm not letting either one of you walk away from this. Say something to her, it's in both your best interests."

 **. . .**

"Hey, Spin, what does a nosey jalapeño do?" Jaycee poked her head into the window separating the kitchen from the front end. Jalapeños piled high on a customers burger put her in a punny mood.

Spinner shrugged. It was busy with the weather picking up, he was stuck manning the grill as the new cook was unable to keep up with the demand of orders. "Something about burning?"

"Gets _jalapeño_ business. Ba dum tiss." He looked up from the grill for the first time all shift and burst into uproarious laughter that silenced the whole restaurant. It was the last time they spoke to each other until close.

Spinner stood at the door, thanking the last of their guests' as they left. "Annnnnd we're closed." He pumped his fist in the air and locked the door.

"Praise Cheesus." Jaycee spun on the barstool, cutting the stack of cash in half for Spinner's share of tips, "$120 each. That's groceries for the next month." She released her hair from the elastic, scrunching it near the roots before the ponytail wave set in. She walked behind the front end and grabbed a broom.

"Do we need anything for the apartment?"

"We have all the supplies we need. The only thing that's left is furniture but it's too early to be thinking about that. It'll be second hand stuff anyway."

Spinner stiffened his posture and began stacking chairs on the tables as she swept. "I like Liberty. We've known each other a long time but I've never hung out with her. She's a good friend."

"That she is."

He expelled a deep breath, stepping to the side so Jaycee could sweep under the table. "She took a picture of us today."

"Did she, now?"

"Yeah. When I told you there's no one I'd rather do nothing with. I'm not trying to start a fight between you guys, or even with us. But Jaycee, I gotta know, what are we doing here?"

He had her attention now. She swung her arm out and let the broom rest on the table. "We are talking, hanging out, being friends. Jesus, is there something in the water? Gavin, there's nothing going on between us. I told you from day one I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Hell, I wasn't even looking for friends but somehow you weaseled your way into my life." Her aggravation was growing with each word.

Her annoyance was contagious. He paced around the dining area, for every step he took she took ten more away from him. "Why are you so hostile? All the time, every minute of every day? You wanna know what I think? I think you're scared. I think he broke your heart so badly and you're afraid it will happen again. You let me get close when you were so determined not to, and that terrifies you." Spinner loomed over her as she pressed her back against an open table.

She clenched the linoleum lining of the table so hard, crescent moons marred the fleshy part of her palm. For the first time, their height difference was clear to Jaycee. She was 5'3" on a good day but she walked and spoke with the attitude of a man that rivaled Spinner's height and build. She could feel his breath, warm and static charged with anger, on her lips. She kept her eyes trained on his; they were smoky with lust and anger and hurt. "You are fucking delusional. You're so lonely that you conjured this false image of us into your mind and-and-oh, my god. You want to kiss me right now." She read his expression in horror, body relaxing at the realization.

"Hell, yeah I want to kiss you." What could he say? Her rebellion was a turn on. His hands wrapped around her waist and she titled her head towards him like they did in the movies, allowing her lips to collide into his. He was gentle at first but his tongue grazed her bottom lip, coaxing her mouth into cooperation. She lost the battle and willingly let him in. A finger slipped through his necklace and she pulled him into her, belly to belly, chest to chest. Her heart made exaggerated thumps like a smitten cartoon character when she felt herself being lifted, Spinner's hands a cushion under her thighs. He sat her on the table and positioned his hands on her knees, pushing up them until his fingers touched at the bump of her panty line beneath her jeans. He lowered her back to the table, pouring his admiration into her lips until the timed alarm went off.

Honey: Sweet, golden. Good days and warm showers, puking inspiration and silver linings in everything he touched, pollinating happiness for the rest of days.

Their breath sputtered out in short gasps when he pulled away, cursing as he typed the code into to shut it off. Jaycee was a drug, he could see how Reed was an addict—one touch and intoxication was inevitable.

Saltwater: Beautiful but he could only hold a little of her in his hands at one time before she drowned him in vigor. A calm in her life was rare, she used the still desperately trying to be a good person, but would destroy anything in her path with a simple shift.

Panic settled in to her chest and her belly ached like she'd ingested gravel. She was too ashamed of herself to say anything as she ran toward the door, fumbling with the lock. Spinner didn't go after her when she successfully pushed herself through. She was just filler in his life, replaceable. Soon Jimmy would come around, he'd meet someone new, forget all about her and move on. Honey for honey.


	11. Dismantle Repair

**A/N: Just wanted to throw up a quick trigger warning. Events in the chapter are reminiscent to Paige's saga in 'Shout.' There's a brief mentioning of Paige as well. It's so hard to write a story when Degrassi has literally done it all but 'tis essential to the plot.**

Jaycee stayed in bed the next morning, hiding her shame in the the bear that started it all. She dug a hole in it's fur with her fingernail, thinking about the morning she'd spotted The Dot and sealed her fate, when all she had to do was continue down the road for a god damn Starbucks.

She retrieved her phone from the charger on her end table, typing a quick text to Liberty.

 _ **I think I'm coming down with something. No school for me today.**_

 **Liberty:** _ **Coming down with what?**_

"Feelings." She muttered. She contemplated putting her words in text but settled on a generic answer instead.

 _ **Probably allergies. Call me later.**_

Jaycee scrolled through her contacts until Spinner's name was highlighted. They had a morning ritual of texting, reminders to get to school on time, apartment repairs, or plain smart ass remarks. But what was there to say? She'd have to talk about the kiss, admit he was under her skin and she was, indeed, petrified. One moment of weakness would come back and slap her in the face. Her heart was hers, an object she vowed never to give away again.

She clicked on the tv, informercials played in the background. If only there was a gadget to rid her of her ineptitude; she'd put it on a credit card and buy her way into a healthy relationship.

That morning she put on her favorite dress and shaved her legs for the first time in months, knowing Spinner would never touch them again.

She was a harlot.

 **. . .**

"Find the constant of a and b so all four lines..." Marco's voice went in one ear and out the other. Jaycee wasn't in class this morning. He hadn't received the teasing morning texts he'd become accustomed too. Jaycee's personality was the best in text form; she was witty and said things she was too uptight to say face to face.

The kiss, the kiss, the kiss.

He memorized the topography of her lips, the curves of her body as she gave herself to him, allowing repressed feelings to finally be released. The taste of jalapeños on her lips, the way she smelled of saltwater and jasmine, those small pieces of her were apart of him now, embedding themselves into his DNA.

Calling people out was what Jaycee excelled at, surely calling her out on her inability to let herself feel was enough to draw a confession out of her.

" _Reginald_." His middle name, the name he despised more than Gavin, dissolved the thoughts of last night. "I have a thousand and one things to do that are more important than helping you pass math. I'm out if you're not going to pay attention."

"Sorry, Marco, things with Jaycee...I can't get my mind off her, man. Things got heated with us last night; I kissed her, she ran."

Marco balked. "My head can't even handle what you just told me. The same Jaycee who has a kid, and whose only friend in the entire school is Liberty Van Zandt? How? She's so..."

"Mean? Yeah, tell me about it. She's different around me, though. She makes cheesy puns and dances with her food, she twists her mouth to the side when I make her laugh but doesn't want to smile. It's cute. She likes me but she's scared. She's such an asshole that I really thought we could just be friends but if she asked me to be more, I'd say yes."

Marco flipped the text book closed and pushed it away from him, "Clearly we're in some twilight dimension where you think you're responsible enough to date a single mother. Why don't you come sit with us after school today? We're staying late to plan graduation stuff."

"That's like walking into the lions den."

"No, _Jaycee_ is the lions den. You're doing all this to be Jimmy's friend again, right? Time to see if karma is in your favor."

 **. . .**

Spinner approached the table with caution. His former friends were laughing and cracking jokes the way they used to when he was the center of them. He'd waited months for this moment but he faltered now that it was actually here. He gripped the strap of his back pack and started to turn away.

"Spinner!" Marco called his name and he was under the scrutiny of his past life. No harsh things were said but the tension of him there was very much alive. Marco took the top of the stairs, motioning for him to sit. He took a wide swing around the group as he marched up the stairs and took his place next to Marco. Jimmy wore a scowl and balled his fists around the wheels of his chair. "How are things with you and Jaycee?"

"Getting little kids shot your thing now? Or did Hogart ditch you, too?" He sneered, wheeling himself away from the table.

Spinner sucked his teeth, fed up with Jimmy's insults. "Shut up, Jimmy. I don't hang out with Jay anymore, haven't in months. I haven't seen anyone but Jaycee since she moved to Canada. I've been helping her with her son, I got her a job and an apartment. I thought if I could help make her life better, you would see that I've changed and want to be my friend again."

"Right, you only hang out with his groupies now." Jimmy disregarded his confession, jabbing his finger towards the parking lot.

"She doesn't..." Spinner narrowed his eyes, walking in the direction Jimmy was pointing. There they were, standing in front of his car, passing a smoke back and forth as rap music blared from the speakers. She was dressed in a short black dress covered by an army green jacket that hit at the knee.

He waited until they said their goodbyes before jogging up to her and cutting her off. "Wanna tell me what that was all about?"

Jaycee ran her teeth over her bottom lip, "Jeep's acting up again."

"I could have told him that. And since when do you need to get dressed up for a something that could have been sent in a text?" All the worst case scenarios ran through his head. If Reed was anything like she'd described, Jay was a carbon copy. Is that why she couldn't be with him? He wasn't 'dangerous' enough? He suddenly felt inadequate. Of course Jaycee would be interested in a guy like Jay; her first love was the Michigan version.

She was graced with the gift of ESP, reading his thoughts as they bubbled in his head. "It's nothing like that, Spin." _It's worse._ "I have plans tonight but tomorrow we can sit down and talk about what happened."

 **. . .**

Life had a funny way of treating Spinner Mason. When life had stopped giving him lemons, he tossed the misfortune tainted lemonade over his shoulder and dreamed he'd never have to drink it again. But no good deed goes unpunished. He'd moved past the gray area of Jaycee's life and stepped into her dimly lit world of civil unions and food puns—or so he thought.

An upside, though, Jimmy had finally forgiven him. Too worrisome with worse case scenarios to be alone, he returned to the group. Everything was almost like normal, much to Jimmy's chagrin. They asked his opinions of their graduation plans, pitied him and Jimmy both, Marco invited him to a party, everything was falling into place. When everyone had to leave, it was him and Jimmy. He helped him gather his things and the greatest thing happened: Jimmy apologized.

 _You should be up there._

 _Look, um, I spent a lot of time this year...blaming people. You especially and that was wrong and I'm sorry._

 _Jimmy I di-_

 _It's cool. I know._

They ended up back at Jimmy's in a clumsy reunion. Spinner filled him in about Jaycee and his crusade to help her in hopes it would bring him back around. He told him about Bentley and Liberty and how great they both were; even about the kiss he and Jaycee shared. Which was why was here, at the Ravine. What he said to Jimmy was true, he hadn't spoken to Jay since the moment Jaycee showed up with her black coffee and broken down Jeep.

He had spent the lowest points of his life here but today was a day of celebration. He got his best friend back and it felt fitting to write the close the darkest chapter of his life in the place he spent many nights wishing for one beer too many to end it all. And partially to see why Jay had entered Jaycee's life out of the blue, even if he had to beat the truth out of him. He had heard rumors of Jay and Jaycee running in the same circle but assumed it came with the territory of slumming it with Jay since the shooting.

"Yo, Spin! Come out to play tonight brotha?" Jay laughed, shoving a long necked bottle in Spinner's hand. "How'd things go with your crippled man friend?" He took a swig of his beer.

"Piss off, Jay. He's giving me a second chance, no thanks to you."

"Relax, dude, I'm kidding. I'm glad you broke away from your homo make out sesh to be here today."

"You're just jealous," Spinner chuckled, flicking the cap of his beer into the distance, "Even if I was gay, I'd pick Jimmy over you. Sorry, bro, you're just not that cute." He blew a kiss to Jay, who promptly dodged it. "I know you can't relate but my life is going amazing for once. Jimmy's not wishing I'd drive my car off a bridge, Jaycee and I have been spending a lot of time together, she's letting me around her kid and shit. It's good karma, man."

"It's good karma, man. I'm Spinner and I'm so enlightened." He mocked, "The only 'J' in your life I'm jealous of is Jaycee. She's a total milf, please tell me you hit that!"

"She's not like that, man. It took me a long time to get where I am with her. Stay away from her. I mean it, Jay, she pulled me out of a really dark place. I saw you two talking and I don't need you ruining this for me, too." He voice had a certain edge to it as he spoke, pinning Jay against his car with his forearm.

"Yeah, she's a real freaking saint. There's a lot you don't know about homegirl, check it out." He shouldered Spinner away, directing him to the dark haired girl who wasn't far from them, completing what they'd seen so many times before. She shed her dress from earlier and was in white shorts and a dark jacket, shoving a considerable amount of cash in her back pocket. She threw her two fingers up in a peace sign, saluting the two as she approached. She was obviously a few drinks in or she would not have such a cheery demeanor when she saw Spinner. "As I live and breath, Jaycee Rae! what you got for me tonight, girl?"

"Adderall, perky C's, zannie's. Kiddie shit. What's up, Spin?" Her eyes shifted from Jay to Spinner but he couldn't return her bright eyes and soft smile. She slipped a small plastic bag in Jay's hand in exchange for cash and a mixed drink. Jaycee clinked the plastic cup against his beer, a toast to their trade. "Bad day, Spin?" She didn't remember the conversation from earlier. Old Jaycee crossed his mind frequently, he often wondered how deep into the thug life she was, how many drinks were too many, how reckless they made her. He didn't have to anymore.

"Uh, yeah. What- what are you doing?"

"Spreading happiness in the form of pharmaceuticals. C'mon, hanging out with all these bad kids you can't tell me you've never seen a drug deal before." Jaycee responded, put out with the way Spinner was coming at her. She raised her drink to her lips, peering at him over the rim.

"This is on you, man. Stay away from her, stay away from me. We're done." He hissed at Jay before leading Jaycee out of ear shot, hand on her back to steady her. "Drugs, Jace? Are you that stupid? You told me you quit that shit when you got pregnant. I could have helped you if you needed money! Jaycee, you didn't tell me." He frowned.

Jaycee scoffed, taking a step back from Spinner. "Uh, because it's none of your business maybe? They're just pills, Spin. I pushed real drugs in Michigan, this is nothing."

"It _is_ my business, Jaycee! I put my ass on the line to get you a job, an apartment, what's going to happen to B if you get caught? I just thought..."

"Thought what, Spinner, that we were lovers? Jaycee and Spinner forever? Not even close, dude. You think that I just _came_ to Canada and started pushing drugs? I'm a seventeen year old, single mother. I was a stupid girl who got knocked up at 15, with a guy who called our son a botched abortion. You can't possibly be this naive. Do you really think waiting tables at the Dot for shit tips has been keeping a roof above my son's head? I've always been about this life, Spin."

"But you don't _have_ to be, Jace. There's other options, through the government. There's help for people like you. Stop being so damn proud and accept it." When his hand found hers, he interlocked their fingers.

"Spin, I'm already a statistic. I can't be a welfare case on top of that."

He sucked his teeth, feeling her hand wiggle out of his grip. "Jaycee…this isn't you. This isn't the girl I spent the best four months of my life with and this sure as hell isn't the girl I kissed last night."

Jaycee threw her hands in the air, brown hair whipping around her face wildly as she did, "You're still on that? _I don't want you, Gavin!_ I never have! Last night didn't mean shit. And furthermore? You are the last person to lecture me about poor life decisions. I sell drugs, you got Jimmy shot. Huge difference."

Spin took a step back, restraining his anger. "Screw you, Jaycee! I know last night meant something. I know you like me and I thought playing your games would help you admit it. Spending time with you was beyond what I needed after a horrible year but if it doesn't mean shit to you, it doesn't mean shit to me either. Have fun pushing drugs, man. I hope B ends up with a family who gives a damn." He stood waiting for a reaction she didn't give. His eyes kept on her as she stormed back to Alex and a group of randoms. He hurled his beer bottle into a tree and retreated back to Jay.

…

"Why are you still watching her man? Point blank she said she couldn't care less about you, don't play into the baby mama drama. Bros before hoes, amirite? The worst thing you have to worry about is my lesbian ex swooping in on her. Although, that'd be pretty hot to watch." He gulped down the last of his beer, watching Jaycee take a shot glass from between Alex's breasts.

"Jay, do you ever stop talking? Just be there for me. With feelings, you remember feelings right? She didn't mean it, she's drunk." He cracked open his sixth beer of the night.

"Would you quit feeling sorry for yourself, man? Your perfect life is over, good things don't happen to you anymore. You belong here, with us, with the losers and the outcasts and the bad kids—" His crooked smile dropped and he elbowed a kneeling Spinner. "Dude, look." Jaycee had wandered away from Alex, stumbling over her feet and into someone he'd never seen at the Ravine before. Jaycee was giggling, running her fingers up his chest in a suggestive manner. He whispered something in her ear and she grinned eagerly, following him to the black van where girls earned bracelets and chlamydia.

Breaking points come at the worst times. He wanted to be mad, mad enough to let her go. Not even ten minutes ago she was bragging about 'that life', since she was so confident in her speech, she could handle herself. He began tearing the label off the beer bottle, watching, debating. _Fuck it. Not my problem anymore._ He tried convincing himself that his conscience was right, to let her make her bed and lie in it. She was a big girl. But then he noticed Jaycee had stopped in her tracks, a few steps shy of the van, resisting the man who was pulling her with excessive force. He forced her head down and pushed her into the door by her hips. _God damn it, Jaycee._ "Jay, let's go." Jay puffed his chest out and rolled his neck until popped.

"Dude picked the wrong night." He said with a chuckle, discarding the beers into a fire pit. He followed Spinner to the van, adrenaline coursing through his veins.

If hatred was visible, the air would have been scarlet. "Looks like she's not interested. I'll say this once: walk away, man." Spinner stepped between them and the door, securing an incoherent Jaycee into his arms.

"Her idea, bro. _She_ wanted _me._ Step aside, you're being a cock block." The man tugged Jaycee back by her hips.

Spinner's lips contorted to an angry smirk. "Hey, I'm trying to be reasonable here. Pleasant, even. Walk away now and you'll leave with all your teeth."

The man, now provoked, tossed Jaycee into the rubble. He took a swing at Spinner, knuckles catching his brow bone.

A small line of blood trickled down the side of his face; Spinner was unfazed. Jay geared up from behind, fist balled and ready to deliver a blow in Spin's defense. His readiness, through appreciated, was unneeded. Spinner's fist connected with the mans jaw before Jay could even raise his arm, knocking him out cold. "You good, Spin?" Jay asked, watching Spinner wipe away the blood with the back of his hand. Spinner tilted his head in acknowledgment as he slipped his arm under Jaycee's legs, bracing her back with his other arm. "Word. Get her out of here, I got this punk. Someone better call an ambulance!" He grinned and landed a kick to the mans ribs.

 **. . .**

He been through something similar, with Paige, but age prevented him from truly understanding the trauma of it all. Being there as the man made the decision to take advantage of Jaycee sent him back in time. His mind replayed Paige, an angry mess, bashing the rear end of his vehicle into Dean's. He wanted to call and apologize for not understanding back then. If only he could have been there to save her the way he saved Jaycee.

He pulled the bed's duvet back, laying Jaycee on the white sheets underneath. He tucked her ratted hair behind her ear, examining the scrape the man had left behind. "I shouldn't have let you go..." he sighed, touching the bruise. He retrieved her phone from her pocket and dialed Liberty's number, rubbing his rough hand over Jaycee's side as he listened to the line trill. She picked up on the fourth ring, "Liberty, is Bentley with you? He is? I need you to do a me a huge solid, can you keep him until late afternoon tomorrow? Something happened at the Ravine, with Jaycee. No, she's safe. She's with me, some guy at the Ravine..." he bit down on his knuckles, willing the words to come to his mouth. Dean's face was all he could see, it flashed in his mind and caused a vein to bulge out of his neck with anger. That punch was for him, too. "Some dude tried to force himself on her. She's fine. I stopped him before he could do anything, he's probably laying in a hospital bed as we speak. I'll have her call you tomorrow, thanks Libs." He closed the phone was his mouth and turned to look at Jaycee. Watching her lay there, weak and less than herself was soul crushing. He wanted nothing more than to lay alongside her, arms wrapped around her tight, face buried in her dark hair. He pressed a soft kiss into the collar bone before covering the duvet over her. He grabbed a blanket and pillow from his closet and retreated to the front room. His exhausted body collapsed on the old couch, he closed his eyes and quieted his raging mind before drifting into a well deserved sleep.

 **. . .**

Sunlight bathed the room between closed slats, coating the walls with a golden sheen. Jaycee examined the unfamiliar room through cracked eyes. She woke up on a heavenly soft mattress, swallowed by a heavy and luxurious duvet cover, too nice in quality to be the one at the motel.

Her mind was fuzzy but remnants of last night's events were forming in her mind. Her heart was heavy and a sick feeling made her stomach churn, something happened last night that shouldn't have. Her head pounded violently as she left the bed, slowly pacing around the room to gather intel.

On the blue wall there was posters of bands, a jersey of a famous hockey player, clashing with other random things. The sun reflected of the mirror, glaring right into her eyes and she cursed under her breath as she shielded her eyes with her arm. She stepped closer to the mirror, blinking fast to make the sun spots disappear. As they began to fade and her vision returned, she saw a collage of photos next to it.

She tugged on the corner of a photo, pulling it off the wall. It was Jimmy, Spinner, Marco and Craig posed behind instruments. Spinner was behind a drum set, sticks crossed in an 'X' formation blocking his face but where the sticks parted she could spot his goofy smile, and it made her smile too. These pictures were of Spinner's life before her, a life he was so desperate to get back to. She studied them closer, scanning over all of them. There was a picture of him and Paige, sitting on the school steps of Degrassi, his arms draped over her shoulders lovingly and he looked happy. She'd seen that smile so many times the last four months and she got a feeling that she caused the smile to go away last night.

The smile faded from her lips as she saw her reflection. She looked a mess. She combed her fingers through her tangled hair and wiped last nights mascara away with her fingers. Jaycee's eyes honed in the scrape on her face. She noticed her side had a strange pain to it, she turned to the mirror, sliding her shirt up to her bra line, a scrape to match her cheek decorated her side. Alarmed, she tugged her shirt back down and stretched her fingers over her collar bones, trying hard to remember what her mind did not want to deal with it.

Her hands gripped the doorknob and she stepped into the hallway and into the front room where her eyes landed on Spinner, he was too large for the narrow couch and half of his body hung off. Her heart lurched in her chest. He knew.

A picture caught her eye as she turned to head back to his room. It was a tiny Spinner, crown on his curly blond head, a trophy in one hand and a sash draped over his tiny chest that read 'Little mister Handsome.' Six year old Spinner was almost too cute to handle, _almost,_ until she glanced over her shoulder to see what the small lad had grown into.

Goofy, annoying, extroverted, obnoxious but totally funny, warm and kind, Gavin Mason. Gavin 'Spinner' Mason, who's only desire was a friend to help him through the darkness. He chose her and she failed him. Conversations of last night came flooding back, oh, the horrible things she said. She clutched the picture of her chest and sat helplessly on the bed, feeling herself fade out of his life. Her mother didn't want her, Reed didn't want her, Spinner definitely wouldn't want her after last night. Her life was a never ending string of abandonment.

She grabbed a yearbook off the end table, trying to figure out exactly where she would have fit it in his old life.

"Morning." Spinner hung from the frame of the door as Jaycee looked back at him.

"Sit with me." She smoothed the blankets out next to her, holding her spot in the yearbook. He did as instructed and took a seat next to her. "Questionable hair, questionable fashion choices... good taste in girls, though. Well, until this one." She pointed to herself, trying to steer the conversation away from where it was undoubtedly going.

"Do you remember anything from last night?"

Jaycee closed the yearbook and set it aside. _No avoiding this, huh?_ "I remember the mean things I said...and going off with some random to spite you."

"Jaycee, you can't do shit like that at the Ravine! Do you know how lucky you were that Jay and I were there? I never thought I'd have to say this to you but you're childish. Putting yourself in danger to prove a point is selfish and stupid."

"I know what I did, Spinner! I freaking know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being sorry all the time but Spin, I'm not dumb. I know you nosed your way into my life because you thought treating me like a charity case would bring Jimmy back. You're under my skin and, yes, Gavin, that scares me. You are relentless and I'm so undeserving; I want you in the bluntest of ways but I knew once you and Jimmy became friends again you'd forget about me. Just like everyone else. There's no room in your life for me, you just refuse to see it." Her voice was cracked with tears she refused to cry. She opened the yearbook and pointed to an old shot of him and his friends. "If I knew you me back then, you wouldn't have looked twice."

Jaycee was trembling by the end of her speech. Spinner took the yearbook from here hands and tossed it to the floor, holding her shaking arms. Finally, the admission he had been waiting for. He didn't like the rest of the words that came with it, but he had heard what he needed to. "Jaycee," His voice was barely above a whisper and he found himself laughing uncomfortably at the situation. He drew her into his chest, resting his chin on top of her head. She didn't even try to fight him, she simply accepted his actions. "Yeah, I did use you a bit. That means I'm a little selfish, too. You irritate the hell out of me, sometimes I want to pop that pretty head of yours off your body but I would go a million lifetimes without Jimmy if it meant getting to know you all over again. I like you, Jace. For reals. Let me show you you are deserving—your vulnerability is safe with me.

She felt the stars shine within herself for the first time in years. She moved her head enough to look up at him but not enough to leave is arms, "Can I be your favorite girl?"

"You already are, Jace." He said, brushing his lips against hers. It was nothing like the kiss at the Dot; it was sweet and slow, honey and saltwater.

Love can exist between the in the most imperfect and broken people.

 **A/N. It's me again! Wow, hell of a chapter guys! I hope it didn't come out of too out of left field but you all had to be wondering how Jaycee had means to live before Spin. ;) As always, Jaycee needs to learn the hard way. I want to thank you all for reading the slow journey to Jaycee and Spinner's relationship, I really wanted to build it up and establish them both as independent characters before starting anything serious. Take a moment and savor the cheesiness, you know by now I don't dish it out often. 'Til the next chapter, loves.**


	12. Delicate

"Spinner, where are we going?"

"Would you just be quiet and enjoy your loss of vision? You've complained the entire time, I told you I had a surprise. Keep going straight," he said, keeping his hands clasped over her eyes, "I'm going to move my hands now. Eyes closed." He reached into his pockets to grab the keys to the apartment.

Four months solid work; paint, dry wall, some minor plumbing work with Jaycee's remarkable, yet odd, talent for home improvement. Realistically the improvements should have taken them three more months but Spinner had secretly called in a few favors for Jay and various others to finally complete the apartment. He had to get Jaycee out of that horrible motel.

He pushed open the door with his foot and lead her to the bedroom, the final room to be completed. He dropped his hands and instructed her to open her eyes.

Though they poured countless hours of their life into the apartment, it wasn't glamorous. They had to be frugal, all of their money going towards items for repair, leaving little money for decoration outside of necessities. But it was hers, a place for her to raise her son, to give him the life she came here for.

The walls were light gray and in the center of the room was a queen sized bed, donated by his mother, with multiple pillows and a damask print duvet set. Above the bed was a canvas print portrait of Bentley and Spider-Man at the arcade. There was a dark walnut bedside table between the left hand side of the bed and the window, where the setting sun passed through the sheer white curtains and a small walk in closet and second hand dresser on the opposite wall.

Jaycee looked around, nearly speechless. "Ho-whe-where did you find time to do this, Spin? We weren't supposed to be done for months." A smile played on her lips as she turned to face him.

He shrugged modestly, "A lot of late nights and early mornings, after school, before school, after work. Jay helped. We got a shit ton of noise complaints from the neighbors but the landlord already code checked it and okayed it. We can get you moved in tonight."

Jaycee hid her face behind her hands, dark hair spilling over her shoulders. She stayed like that for a few moments, trying to wrap her mind around the tremendous amount of time Spinner must have sacrificed to finish the apartment. She'd come here with the soul purpose of finishing school and raising her son, wanting to make it on her own but somehow the Universe presented her with Gavin Mason, dork in shining tinfoil. She didn't know what to say.

She felt his hand on her right hip and she looked up when she did. Not knowing how to thank him with words, she leaped to close the height gap between them, throwing her arms around his neck in an embrace and hung there, feet dangling inches from the carpet. She fisted his shirt beneath her hands, resting her head in the crook of his neck, "Thank you," she said, happy tears pricking her eyes, wetting her dark lashes.

His arms wrapped around her waist, returning her hug. Her silence spoke for itself. It was warm and content, in a way he could feel at home no matter where he stood. He tugged at her hips, removing her gently. When her feet hit the floor she looked at him through saltwater eyes, her cheeks collecting the warm liquid falling from them.

He'd never seen her cry before.

His hand cupped her cheek, wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb. Spinner grabbed her by the hand, leading her to the bed and making her sit. He kicked his legs up, causing him to fall into his back with a soft 'plop.' He crosses his arms behind his head, "So do you like it?"

It was then Jaycee saw him in a new light, with his hipbones pointing towards the same ceiling she would come to stare at on the nights she couldn't sleep, fearing that she was truly meant to live out her days alone. There was so much of him surrounding her.

He sat up when he didn't get a response, other than her staring blankly at him. She never did carry much emotion in her eyes. "Jace?" He turned himself in her direction until their knees were touching and reached out to brush her hair behind her ear to get a better read on her expression. Her eyes caught his and an electric feeling passed to his. Their breath mingled through parted lips, a certainty of what was coming next. Jaycee traced her thumb along his bottom lip, as if she needed confirmation he was actually in front of her. She closed her eyes fearlessly and without hesitation, pushing her plump, velvet lips into his.

Much like their relationship, there was nothing 'nice and easy' about the kiss, it started out fervent as their tongues said the hungriest of hellos. And, _Dear God,_ he couldn't fight the thoughts running through his mind as she ran a finger down his spine, pulling him close until there was no space left between them, so close he could feel her heart beat in time with his. Months of sexual tension fueled the moment as he slid his hand into the thick of her hair, lowering her until the curve of her back tickled the blankets. He found himself between her legs, easing his weight into her. Her hands tugged at the hem of his shirt and pushed it up his sides, before pulling it over his head completely.

But it had been three years since she was intimate with anyone, much less seen anyone but herself exposed.

Devastation gut punched her as she realized for the first time in three years she had a 'mom bod'. Though she spent time at the gym regularly after B's birth to regain her figure, 730 days of running and abdominal toning couldn't touch the skin pooling under her belly button or erase the stretch marks etched proudly into her stomach and hips, her chest never regained that natural perk after a year of breastfeeding.

She was not naive to the fact he'd had other partners in the past but the majority of the girls her age had tight and toned bodies. You know, minus the fetus. Her eyes lingered on his torso a little to long, an indication something was on her mind.

"Hey," Spinner spoke softly, "You're beautiful, Jaycee. I'm not worried about what's underneath," he pushed up her shirt with his hand, tracing over her marks with his fingers, "I know it's worth the wait."

Jaycee propped herself on her elbows and gave a flustered grin, "I haven't been with anyone since I was pregnant with B, the whole 'mom body' reality drop kicked me for the first time. I haven't been on birth control since Reed left me, either."

Spinner raised a cocky eyebrow, reaching to his back pocket, unfurling a long strip of condoms. "A good Boy Scout is always prepared."

"Someone thinks himself a stud, does he?"

"Haven't had any complaints so far," he winked, crashing next to her on the bed. He ran his hand along her stomach, tracing her stretch marks, "I voluntarily read scripture and 'purified' myself for my ex, I can handle it if you're not ready."

Jaycee watched his fingers run along her c-section scar. It felt numb, like his hand wasn't even there, but that's what happens when someone cuts through seven layers of skin and muscle. A small sacrifice to bring life into the world.

As much as she tried to hide it, she loved having Gavin Mason around. She liked the way he pried his way into her life and God, did he earn it. He was gentle, always walking on eggshells as he slowly deteriorated her emotional force field where anyone with common sense would have ran. Perhaps companionship, or a little more than, wouldn't be as terrible as she thought.

Even in this oxytocin fueled moment he managed to remain kind and respectful of her boundaries. The electric feeling returned as she positioned herself on top of him, reaching to the bedside table for a condom. She held it between two slim fingers as she lowered herself to Spinner's lips, hands on either side of his face, kissing him with raw intensity.

A kiss of salvation, a kiss of better things to come.

Moving in could wait.


	13. Jaded and Faded

"Wake up and watch me do old lady things." Jaycee said, pulling a needle through aida fabric. She'd found a half finished cross stitch project, long abandoned after her once best friend jumped aboard the 'Jaycee is a man trapper' train. There were no rotten feelings sewn into the fabric, as she figured there would be, but brought her to the same place of gratitude she had in Michigan. She picked out the old stitches and salvaged what was left of the embroidery floss for a new design.

"Mmmm...cross stitching: the ultimate trouser arouser." Spinner lifted the covers to see what was waiting for him underneath. He had her three times last night but she looked _so damn fantastic_ in his shirt and navy blue panties _,_ he craved her once more. He wrote poetry on her skin with his lips until he was fluent in her body language; her body was tailor made for him the way they fit together so perfectly. "Marco's having a party tonight. You want to come with me?" He asked between kissing and nipping at her ribs, stomach and hips.

He enjoyed the way her body tensed under his touch, the way her breath hitched and left her unable to answer after every kiss. She was so easily excited.

"I have an offspring to mother. Maybe next time, Spin."

"B is with my mom and probably getting the crap spoiled out of him. Please, Jaycee? One more night of fun then we can go back to hanging out with Benny. I want you to meet my friends." Spinner pleaded, trailing a line of kisses down her neck. He wanted as much of her as he could get before normality resumed and he was back to whenever she could fit him in.

Something resembling a moan slipped from her lips and sent chills throughout his body as the sound hit his ears. He slid his body down hers and back under the covers, fingers hooked in her panties. "I guess one more night would be fine, if your mom is okay with keeping him again."

"It doesn't start until ten, you'll have plenty of time to spend with B."

"Ten _**at night?!"**_

Spinner shot upright, covers still hanging on his head, "10pm is not that late. Christ, Jace, you are an old lady."

Jaycee laughed and sat up, grabbing him by the cheeks. She pulled his face towards her and pecked him on the lips, "What's it like knowing you banged an old lady? Was it everything you've ever desired, everything you've ever dreamed and more?"

"10/10, would bang again. I'm only ever going to date old ladies again, you've opened up a whole new world to me." He said, pulling her close and wrapped her legs around his waist.

"Shut up and kiss me, ya nasty."

 **. . .**

"Why are you putting eyelashes on top of eye lashes? It's freaking me out, stop it."

Jaycee never looked away from the mirror as she pushed the faux mink lash onto her lash line with tweezers. Once she successfully placed it, she took a tube of mascara and swiped a few coats on to blend it with her natural lash. Her eyes were smoked out with brown eyeshadow, with a pop of electric green in the center of her lid, complete with winged liner sharp enough to cut someone. She completed her look with rosy terra-cotta lip stick, patting it on with her ring finger for a softer look. She stuck her tongue out at Spin and pulled a silly face, "It's been three years since I've been to an actual party. Let a bitch live, Spin. I have to get dressed and I'll be ready to go."

Spinner had never been to keen on the grunge look, his past lovers had been of the cheerleading type but on Jaycee, it looked good. The mean girl vibe was growing on him, perhaps he'd venture into girls of the punk variety if she ever got sick of him. He nodded and went into the living room, strolling around with his hands shoved in his front pockets. He picked up the action figures decorating the table, B's idea, no doubt, and tossed them into his room. On the wall, his name was spelled out in wooden letters covered by superhero print fabric, with coordinating posters and bed set to match. His mom had crafted up a similar design, the words 'hero up' placed above a coat rack with his make believe outfits.

"Ready, Freddy?" He turned to face Jaycee when she spoke and took in her outfit for the evening. Everything about it was entirely 'Jaycee'; black skinny jeans with rips up the legs, a black top with straps that crossed over her cleavage and bared just a small strip of her torso, her body covered by the same army green jacket she was wearing the afternoon of the Ravine. Curls and combat boots completed her look. Fine. As. Hell.

"Jace, You look incredible!"

"Michigan Jaycee at her finest," She laughed, walking towards the kitchen to grab a large concoction of fruit juice, vodka, tequila and fruit slices. "And the official party beverage of my Michigan crew, guaranteed to get you drunk after one cup. For once, I'm pumped to be around people I've never met."

"It's like dating the Hulk, except alcohol brings it out instead of anger. Let's go before you turn all green, or whatever." He chucked, grabbing the bowl from her hands and kissing her on the lips.

Jaycee flipped the visor down once they got to the car and pulled out a CD containing a list of party anthems, and pushed it into the disc player, cranking up the volume. She waited for Spinner to buckle himself and secure the punch in his lap before taking off.

From the few times he'd been in the car with her, he had Jaycee pegged as an alternative rock kinda gal and expected nothing less to come from her mixed CD. He was completely caught off guard when she started belting out _It_ _Wasn't Me_ by Shaggy, rapping her way through the parts to this day he had yet to understand, and making the appropriate motions the best she could while driving. She looked over at him often as she sang, laughing between verses. She couldn't carry a tune to save her life but her eyes lit up in a way he'd never seen before. Jaycee was in complete Michigan mode and he adored seeing her so lively.

They spent rest of the ride rapping 90's and early 2000 songs. He introduced her to Kid Elrick on the way and his favorite song was coming to an end as they pulled into Marco's drive way, both winded from their flawless impromptu rap skills. Jaycee killed the engine and hopped out of the car, waiting for Spin to do the same.

They walked side by side as the approached the door. Jaycee took the punch bowl from him, it made her look puny in comparison, as he knocked on the door. He took a step back and wrapped his arm around Jaycee's waist, pulling her close. "I cannot wait to prove you wrong."

"About?"

"You're little theory about not fitting into my old life. My friends are great, Jace. Seriously the most accepting people I've ever met, it'll be like you've always been part of our crew." He lingered on the word 'crew.' "Wow, it feels nice to say that again. Our crew, never thought I'd be part of the old gang after what happened."

The door flew open, Marco standing on the other side of it, "Spin, welcome! Glad you could make it out tonight." They're hands came together in a hand shake and they pulled each other in for a hug. His eyes landed on a kinder looking Jaycee than he'd seen before, a girl who looked visibly excited to be there. Not what he expected.

"Thanks, man, excited to be back with the old gang! Jaycee, this is Marco Del Rossi, the man who made redemption possible. Marco, Jaycee."

Jaycee balanced the punch bowl on her forearm to return the formal handshake Marco was offering, "Thanks for the invite. I brought jungle juice, it's kind of my speciality."

"The infamous teen mom of Degrassi. I've been wondering about the girl that has Spinner Mason all grown up. Come on in, we're about to start a game of King's Cup. I'll show you to the kitchen then we'll start."

They followed Marco into the kitchen and started pulling out red solo cups. Jaycee did a head count passing by and started pouring her tincture for everyone. "Not to impose on traditions or anything but back in the states, we started every party off with a glass of this stuff. Mind if I bring a taste of Michigan to Casa Del Rossi?"

"Won't be Casa Del Rossi for a while, this is Dylan's place but I'm sure they won't mind. It looks good."

Jaycee smiled at his acceptance. She knew the bad impression she left on most everyone besides Liberty and Spinner, she was positive that Marco would be wary of the new friend a newly reformed Spinner Mason after the brain washing of Friendship Club. She began pouring the drink into cups, handing them down to Marco and Spinner to distribute. She served herself last and stood besides Spin at the crowded table.

Jaycee kept to herself as Spinner greeted the old gang like nothing had happened. Feeling satisfaction for another human aside from her son was new to her after shutting out the world for so long. She hoped her social skills weren't too badly damaged from the cold hearted witch she'd become over the years.

Spinner pulled out a chair for Jaycee and himself. He sat next to her, lacing his finger gets through his and raising their hands, "Guys, this is Jaycee. Jaycee, that's Ellie, Ashley, Dylan, Paige and Jimmy."

The group acknowledged Jaycee with a cacophony of 'hello's' and 'nice to meet ya's'. Jaycee raised the plastic cup before speaking, "So back in Michi, we had this tradition of drinking this delicious adult beverage of tequila and fruit to kick off every party. Since I'm still somewhat new to Canada and only know two people, I thought it would be fun to introduce myself the way I would have back home. Lets get this party started, y'all."

When the games were over and everyone was the right amount of drunk, they all flooded the front room. It was tight and packed, bodies and sweat everywhere, but no one seemed to mind their personal bubble being invaded, Rihanna took the room over and one had to yell across the room to be heard.

There was a look of pure joy on Jaycee's face with her hands in the air, body moving like an uncoiled rope. Her energy was boundless and entrancing, he kept his hands on her waist, keeping her body close to make some semblance of a dance. Years of high school dancing proved useless when it came to keeping up with her. He pulled her hips into his, kissing her furiously on the mouth, he would bottle this moment if he could. The fun Jaycee was absolutely beautiful.

She made quite the impression on his friends, her personality infectious. She warned this side of her was temporary but they assured her it was a pleasure to meet more than Jaycee the mom.

The music made a quick change from pop to almost melancholy, Rihanna being replaced by Elton John. There was a collective groan when everyone turned their attention to Marco, watching him set up the karaoke machine.

"Boo!"

"Party killer!"

"Turn on the dance music back on!"

Jaycee pressed herself into Spinner, who joined in on the teasing. She pressed her finger to his lips and slurred out a 'ssshhhh.' Her eyes were almost child like as she waited to hear the song of choice.

"Thank you for making me come out tonight." She stood on her top toes to deliver a kiss on his cheek, "I'm really starting to feel like myself again, the person I was before B."

"Every version of you is great, Jace. Michigan Jaycee is a bonus."

The rest of the group dispersed, leaving only Jaycee and Spinner as Marco's audience. In true 80's loving fashion, he started towards Jaycee and Spinner, microphone cord trailing behind him, as he belted out _Goodbye Yellow Brick Road._ He squeezed between them and pushed their bodies from side to side, making them dance with him. Jaycee joined him on the chorus, singing her heart out to her favorite song.

Spinner was simply going through the motions, never being a fan of Marco's taste in music. Jaycee, unamused by Spin's lack of enthusiasm, took him by the hands and made the movements for him. It wasn't until Marco crept up with her, practically shouting the lyrics in his face, until he conceded and sang with them until the nights end.

 **. . .**

It was late when they got back to Jaycee's apartment. They spent the rest of the night flipping through old photos and home movies of her child free life on her old MyRoom page.

Jaycee had tapped out a hours ago, succumbing to the shocking amount of booze she downed. Light snores filled dead air, since he was already down the rabbit hole, he kept clicking through her profile.

He came upon a picture of a blonde, bikini clad Jaycee posed in front of full length mirror; her ribs and hip bones protruded frighteningly from her small frame. There was clutter and an unmade bed behind her, empty beer cans and drug paraphernalia the decoration of choice. Disturbed by her malnutrition, he clicked forward, passing through pictures of group shots where she was in the same pose every time: tongue sticking out and fingers thrown up in metal horns. One picture in particular stood out to him, she had her knees pulled into her chest, chugging a bottle of whiskey in one hand, flipping off the camera with the other. None of the girls in those photos were his Jaycee but this one, this one made him profoundly happy. It was the embodiment of the girl he'd seen tonight, the girl he'd fallen hard for.

His happiness was short living when a video began to auto play. It was the same blonde haired Jaycee, giggling into the camera, snuggled into a boy he guessed to be pushing twenty. Reed. Bentley's resemblance to him was uncanny, they would be twins if it weren't for the green eyes. His hands were wrapped around his phone but on his knuckles Spinner could letters spelling out Jaycee's name in basement quality tattoos.

 _"Babe. Babe! What do you call a fish with two knees? A 'two-knee' fish!"_ Her smile cracked with laughter and she turned the man who couldn't be bothered enough to look up from his own phone. When he did his face was stoic, other than a raised eyebrow that dismissed her attempt at humor. Her smile quickly faded and she shut the video off.

He closed the computer in a quite rage. He had often wondered what had to be done to a person to make them as jaded as Jaycee was, and he could do nothing more than be angry at this man he had never met for ruining her. The way she looked at him, with nothing but pure passion and a fierce love in her eyes, he could only hope she could spare him even an ounce of a lovestruck gleam. It took him four months and an apartment to lure that version of Jaycee out and Reed wasted years of it.

With his buzz officially killed, he set the laptop onto the bedside table and crawled next to Jaycee, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist and planted soft kisses into her dark hair.

He would never take Jaycee for granted the way that Reed had.

 **Authors Note: HOLY COW, GUYS! I am SO sorry it took me forever to get this chapter up! For thriteen chapters, I've been lucky enough to have prewritten content and avoid writers block for the chapters I didn't. It hit me hard and between a new job and starting college, I haven't had any idea how to continue. I'm back on track though, and I do apologize if this chapter is all over the place, I'm trying to get back into my groove.**


	14. Work & Play

They spent the next two months 'flaunting' their relationship; the two most controversial people at Degrassi High finding love in one another. It never went beyond stealing kissed at lockers and holding hands down the hall. Though happier, there was no instant change from Jaycee. She still isolated herself with Liberty in the media immersion room at lunch, aside from making a few guest appearances with Spin's friends.

Being much different from his past love affairs, she knew they would have questioned why Spinner would chose a girl of her caliber if not for the outpour of affection she displayed for him at Marco's party. She cracked the occasional joke and sent the occasional text to keep up with appearances but her association with Spinner made her part of the gang by default. They insisted that she keep in touch after they graduated and hinted at bringing Bentley around to meet the friend family.

Not all was right in the world they created, though. That precious honeymoon phase every couple experiences was hindered by parenthood. It fizzled out quickly, Jaycee trying to balance a relationship on top of work, school, and B. She hadn't been having Spinner around Bentley as often, needing to test the longevity of her unofficial boyfriend. They were back to quickie dates and small hang outs with Bentley. The two went through a few spats about it, Spinner insisting on being a stable figure in B's life and Jaycee was fearing it was too good to be true. She didn't want Bentley to grow more attached than he already was to him, then have to explain a watered down truth of why Binner stopped coming around if they were to break up before they reached the year mark.

Jaycee felt awful pushing him away as quickly as they had become close but she had to keep her sons best interest in her mind. She wouldn't be one of those girls with men coming in and out of her child's life, the abandonment of his biological father would be enough heartbreak. She had sworn off men for a great deal of time and told herself that if the time was right, her next suitor would fill the role of Dad.

Like Spin had gone behind her back to finish the apartment, she had done a little secret recruiting of her own and planned a surprise apology for him.

Mrs. Mason had been over for nearly forty five minutes, they passed the time coloring with Bentley. Jaycee sweet talked him into coming over for what he thought was a dinner date, he had no idea his mom would be there by the time he arrived. She really did enjoy her company, thinking of it as time with her own mother she never got.

"Mom, look what I drawed! It me, Binner and mommy!" He proudly presented Jaycee with a white sheet of paper, colorful scribbles in an uneven row. Green for Gavin, purple for her, and Spider-Man colors for himself.

"Beautiful, baby! You're so thoughtful. Do you want to give it to Gavin as a gift?"

"YEAH! Mimi, you look too!" 'Mimi' had been a name Mrs. Mason had taken on herself. She didn't know if either of her children would give her grand-babies and it was a title she wore proudly, and would have worn as long as the mother and son were in her life, regardless if her and Gavin got together or not. Jaycee smiled to herself, labeling the colored blobs correspondingly as Mrs. Mason praised them. She heard the lock turn and finished signing B's name to the piece of paper. She handed the crayon back to Bentley and got up to greet Spinner as he walked in the door.

"Hi, honey." His mom greeted him while drawing yellow balloons at Bentley's request.

"Mom? What are you doing here?" Jaycee snaked her arm around his waist and looked up at him with a sly grin on her face.

"I may or may not have deceived you. We're not having dinner tonight, I have something much cooler planned. Benny has something for you before we leave, though. Show Binner what you made him, buddy."

Bentley ran to Spinner as quickly as his little legs could carry him, jumping up and down with the paper held above his head, "I made us! That's me, you and mama."

He studied the picture, the grin on his face ever growing. Three scribbles have never meant more to him, "Looks just like us. Thanks, B, I love it dude. Hulk hug!" Spinner picked Bentley up and set him on the hip opposite of Jaycee, making 'aaarggghhh' noises with the child as he hugged his head.

"Well if this isn't the cutest thing! You guys stay just like that, I'm getting my camera out of my purse." Mrs. Mason swooned at the site, retrieving a digital camera from her bag. They held the position, Spin surrounded by the two, Jaycee held one corner of the drawing while Spinner held the other. The three cheesed it up as Mrs. Mason captured their first photo as a family.

 **. . .**

Jaycee turned in the passengers seat, pulling the cross stitch she had salvaged the day of Marco's party and tossed it into Spinner's lap.

"Who is this freaking girl right now?! Sneaky dates, surprises out the yin yang, this is _not_ the Jaycee I met six moths ago." He waited for a red light before checking out the embroidery hoop in his lap. The words 'You don't suck' were stitched into the fabric in bright pink floss and popped against the navy blue fabric, purple roses and green leaves centered beneath it. "Aw. You don't suck either, Jace." He leaned across the seat to give her a quick smooch.

 _If you only once would let me, only just one time, then be happy with the consequence, with whatever's gonna happen tonight._

"Don't expect special treatment because I let you touch my fun parts. I'm still an asshole," She chuckled, taking notice to his hand on her thigh as he turned his attention back to the road. "Hey, I'm sorry for causing a riff between us the last little bit. It's a big deal to have someone in B's life permanently. I don't want to explain to him why you left if we break up, or whatever."

Spinner took her hand in his, pressing his lips to her knuckles, "I'm not goin' anywhere, Jace."

 _Can we take a ride? Get out of this place while we still have time._

 _All the best DJ's are saving their slowest song for last. When the dance is through it's me and you, c'mon, would that really be so bad?_

Listening to the lyrics play on the radio, listening to the confidence behind his words, it was in that moment Jaycee realized the depth of her feelings for Gavin Mason. He'd walked through a proverbial hell for her, to slay the beasts of distrust and abandonment, reminding her who was under her shell of cynicism. He was her tomorrow.

Her heart was sickeningly filled with love, she used her hands to coax him to pull into empty street to show him he was the love that made Reed irrelevant.

 _ **. . .**_

The all ages bar was a quiet murmur or excitement, lovers loving, drinkers drinking, and off beat dancing.

They shared a plate of chili cheese fries as the waitress brought their drinks. She was quite proud of herself, weather it was gifts or an excited secret, she could never keep a happy surprise to herself.

"Some fancy dinner, babe." He joked, pulling a fry from the plate, "What's the big surprise?"

"Oh, there's just this band playing tonight. Thought it would be cool to check them out." She was bouncing her leg under the table and grinning like a fool. As cold as she could be, she would go to the ends of the earth for those she held dear, pulling out all the stops. Michigan Jaycee used to say if someone makes you happy, make them happier and that's exactly what she had planned to do tonight. She watched excitedly as Ashley, Marco, and Jimmy filled the small stage, making equipment hum to life as the set up and tuned their instruments.

Life filled Spin's eyes, taking in the same view. He hasn't seen them play in so long, he was both excited and devastated. The last he knew, Ellie replaced him as drummer until Craig hit it big and took off to pursue his dream. The feedback from Jimmy's guitar made his mind gush memories from playing in Joey Jeremiahs's garage. "How are they gonna play without a-," his eyes sparkled when he made the connection, "Jaycee...you didn't. DID you?!" He ripped his eyes away from the stage and placed them on a giddy Jaycee. It only took a few days to coordinate everyone for this event.

Marco approached the microphone and the crowed hushed, giving him an opportunity to speak, "Uh, hi. We're Downtown Sasquatch and as you can see, we're missing in a drummer. Spinner Mason, I'm gonna need you to get behind this drum kit, bud. Welcome back."

The crowd up-roared in applause, all eyes on him as he smothered Jaycee with hugs and kisses. He was never one to shy away from attention and he acted like he just called up for The Price is Right when he jumped on stage. He sat happier than she had ever seen him behind the drums.

She cupped her hands around her mouth to 'woo!' "Play Freebird!" She yelled jokingly, knowing it would be one of the many covers they'd be requested to do for their three hour set.

She watched in amazement the whole time, clapping and joining the crowd as they rushed the stage. She gained a certain satisfaction at the girls fawning over Spin, knowing she was his. Her stomach bubbled and bile trailed up her throat but she forced it back down. _Strange_ , she thought but chalked it up to the combo of fries and beer disagreeing in her stomach and continued with the crowd. One of their slower songs, Dust, played and the bar pulled out lighters and cell phones to sway in unison until the music picked up and a pop punk type riot ensued, everyone loving it.

The entire band was drenched in sweat at the end of their set. "You little sneak! I can't believe you did all this, Jaycee! This was monumental, guys, I never thought I'd be up there with you guys again. Jim, great funk guitar, dude. Everything sounded great!" He pulled them in for a group hug, smooshing Jaycee and Ashley in the middle.

The bar had cleared out, they were the last besides the owners at the end of the night. They chatted about old times and Craig's newfound success as they put away their instruments. They stayed until the lights went out and Sinatra like music auto played as they said their goodbyes.

Spinner approached Jaycee and set his arms around her shoulders, "You? Officially the best girlfriend ever. Me? The best drummer. God, you are so cool."

Jaycee fell into him, head on his chest so she could hear his heartbeat. Her second favorite sound. "I'm giving you a run for your money as the surpriser in this relationship. I loved seeing you up there, I'm happy you had a good time, Spin." An unhidden smile played on her face as they danced to the swing music until the owners kicked them out.

 **Song: 'Work', Jimmy Eat World.**


	15. Asparagus

"What do you want to eat, bub? We have stuff for grilled cheese, hamburger, chicken and vegetables." Jaycee began, walking out of Bentley's room and toward the fridge. Spin was working the weekend shift, Liberty was up to her ears in homework, leaving her to spend some quality time with her son. Gavin had been great company and playing house was thrilling but the one on one time with Bentley she missed dearly. Bentley loved Spinner and his other mother but it had been them against the world for nearly three years now. Boyfriends and best friends are fantastic assets but they would never come before her son, with the way he'd been acting out recently, she sensed he missed Mommy and Me time, too.

"Grilled cheese!"

"Coming right up, dude. Wash your hands, please." She got into the cabinets to pull out the grilled cheese maker that stamped characters into the bread before leaning over to open the fridge.

The smell of foods mingling tingled her nose. She kept her fridge clean and hadn't noticed a stench coming from it until now. It sent her sprinting to the bathroom, bending at the waist just in time to launch the contents of her stomach into the toilet. "Ugh..." she groaned and dropped to her knees. Thinking the worst was over, she lifted her head to wipe the backsplash of vomit from the side of her mouth.

That throw uppy feeling made a return, ready for round two. The sounds of her retching echoed through the apartment and caused the toddler to join her in the bathroom, tilting his head to get a view of his sickly mother. "Mom, why you throw up? Did you drink old milk? You can't drink old stuff, mommy, it makes your tummy hurt."

"I just ate something that didn't agree with my stomach, buddy. I'm okay. After I fix your lunch, we'll go to the park okay?"

She sent a quick text Spinner as soon as she recovered from the unexpected vomit fest.

 _ **We're never eating at that bar again.**_

 **. . .**

Spinner dropped by her place on the way home from work. Heat exhaustion set in from a day at the park and everything was driving her batty. He was helping her unload the dish rack while giving her a break from the two year old.

"Spin, that's a plate. It doesn't go with the cups."

"I opened the wrong cabinet, my bad."

"Like, why would you put it there in the first place? You've been here a thousand times, you should know where things go by now."

Spinner dropped the plate back in the dish rack, setting his hands on the sink and looked at her with a raised brow, "Jaycee, I said my bad. It's not like I broke it or anything."

"You're right...I'm being ridiculous. I'm probably just be tired from being in the sun all day." Jaycee sighed, pulling a knife from the silverware drawer to begin chopping asparagus. When she discovered she cut them too short, tears filled her eyes. "I cut the asparagus too short..."

"Babe, it's fine. You can't eat that part, anyway."

Her tears were short lived and replaced by a blinding rage, "It's not okay, Gavin! I just wasted so much food and this shit is _expensive._ Why aren't you taking this seriously?! You never take anything seriously! God. You're so irritating today, I can't even handle it." Jaycee exclaimed, stabbing the cutting board with the tip of the knife. "There are starving children who would be more than happy to eat that!" Back to tears again.

A perturbed Spinner groaned, not in the mood to put up with Jaycee's out of control attitude. He pulled his keys from his pockets, "Jesus, what is your malfunction today? Call me when your a little less crazy." He took a step foreword to kiss her on the cheek before walking out the door, slamming it behind him.

"MY MALFUNCTION IS YOU! UGH!" Her response was very much delayed and she felt moronic realizing he had left already and she was yelling at a door. The tears were coming full force now. She pulled the knife out of the cutting board, tossed it in the sink and grabbed her phone from

the living room, dialing Liberty.

"Hello?"

"I cut my asparagus too short."

"Did you cut yourself in the process?"

"No."

"Did it land in the garbage?"

"No."

Silence. "Soooo, what's problem then?"

"I don't know what the problem is! I just really wanted asparagus and now it's ruined and children are starving. I hate my life, Liberty, I just want asparagus." Jaycee sobbed, sniffling between sentences.

"Jaycee, you're being absolutely unreasonable right now. It's just a vegetable, the world will go on. Your hormones are probably out of whack from the birth control. Breathe, girl."

"I haven't started the pill yet The women's clinic is full for another two weeks and I haven't had time to call the free health clinic."

"Maybe you're about to start your cycle. Do you want me to come over?"

Of course! The smell sensitivity, the crazy mood swings, it was the only plausible explanation.

"No, no. I think I need to be alone for the day, I already freaked out at Spinner over putting a plate in the wrong spot, he left. I'm out of sorts. I'll just see you Monday. Bye, Libs." She hit the end call button on her phone and switched to the calendar view, counting back to her last period.

"Oh, shit. No, no, no..." The screen illuminated her face. Her last cycle was two months ago, a week before the Ravine incident. She's been stressed, with her new life. Stressed with work, Bentley and Spinner. "Fuck, how could this happen? We were safe." She muttered, dropping her phone and running into her bedroom. She tore open the bedside drawer and pulled out the box of condoms Spin kept there.

Expired. Every single one of them. Jaycee ripped into an open foil package, stretching out the condom, it tore in half almost instantly. They'd gone through so many of these, how could he not have noticed one broke? "Okay. Okay," she drew a deep breath in, "Maybe this is a fluke, I just opened a bad one." The fear pulling at her stomach said otherwise. She grabbed the bottle of water sitting on the table and chugged its contents before gathering Bentley up and rushing to the store.

She had spent nearly $25 on pregnancy tests, brand names and off brands alike. She hurried Bentley to bed with a bed time story and snuggles, overdosing her system with water. The open bag sat on the bathroom sink, fully opened, the boxes were taunting her. 'Congratulations, you're pregnant again, you dummy," They said. Jaycee opened the first box with unsteady hands and pulled her pants down, placing a cup directly under her urine stream. She filled a dropper with piss and dropped it in the little area and went through all boxes.

She paced around the bathroom, waiting for the timer on the microwave to ding when three minutes had passed. Pink plus signs, digital yes's, and double blue lines appeared on all of them. She knew she was pregnant before she even took a test with Bentley, the symptoms popping up almost immediately. This pregnancy had all but gone undetected and if she hadn't called Spinner over, it would have gone a mystery for a lot longer. The dread she felt now was scarily similar to finding out she was pregnant with B. But this time she was stable, had a reliable man. It should have given her peace of mind but caused her emotions to shut down as she examined seven positive pregnancy tests.

It was all so unholy.

 **A/N: SHE'S SO MEAN HIT 1K VIEWS! Thank you so much, my fabulous readers! None of this would be possible without you, and I am so grateful to be able to share this story with you. You guys are what keeps SSM alive!**


	16. Brick

**A/N: Trigger warning, contains talk of abortion and child loss. Please read with caution, I love you all and my goal is not to offend but I implore you to mentally prepare yourself or skip this chapter/ story (it will be focused on in later chapters) if you have been in this situation.**

Time slowed in the waiting room of the free clinic. Every noise intensified, she could hear the ticking of the clock every time the minute hand moved, the slow beat of her heart as if she where inside of it, magazine pages flipping, finger nails tapping. She let her head rest on the curve of the chairs back, counting the number of tiles on the ceiling. Nothing existed in here.

Pregnant.

"Jaycee?" A fair skinned nurse peeked her head out from behind a heavy door.

She gathered her things with shaking hands, hoisting her bag onto her shoulder. The other patients didn't lift their heads from their phones when her name was called and her footsteps began echoing through the quiet room.

The nurse greeted her with a friendly smile as she escorted her into an empty room. She set her laptop on the countertop, typing furiously while she asked Jaycee about her medical history.

"Undress from the waist down, the doctor will

be in shortly."

Jaycee nodded solemnly, taking in her surroundings. A glass bowl of condoms tied the entire room together and she laughed at the irony.

Pregnant.

"Hello, Jaycee, I'm Dr. Jost. You're here cause you believe your pregnant, is that right?"

"At home test came up positive."

"Given your medical history, we'll have to do an ultrasound to confirm viability." The female doctor said as she pulled out the stirrups of the examination table.

Jaycee scooched her bottom to the end of the table, planting her feet in the stirrups. She watched the doctor prepare the probe, feeling pressure in her pelvic region as she inserted it.

The doctor moved the probe like a joystick controller, eyes fixed on the ultrasound. Jaycee told herself she wouldn't look but, as the unholy pink plus sign predicted, a flicker of a heartbeat appeared on screen.

Pregnant.

"You're definitely expecting. About 10 weeks, I'd say." Jost paused and paged through Jaycee's portfolio. She tapped a few buttons on her laptop, capturing a picture of the tiny fetus before removing the probe and sanitizing the area. She folded her hands in her lap, giving Jaycee time to sit up. "Jaycee, after reviewing your medical history, the chance of you carrying this child to term is very, very low. The pregnancy would be considered high risk from the trauma of your first labor and your history of drug use doesn't favor a positive outcome. There's preventative measures we can take to help it along but it will cost money, money that someone in your situation likely doesn't have. With the damage done to your body, it will reject the pregnancy by week 13. I'll give you sometime to think about it but we need a decision very soon." She tore the photograph from the printer and handed it to Jaycee.

"Okay."

...

The school day had come to an end when she arrived back at Degrassi. She trudged through the schools courtyard, the students talking around her no more than blur. Unlike her heightened senses at the doctors, time slowed and voices were muted, leaving her to feel invisible and entirely alone. She had fifteen missed texts from Liberty and Spin combined, lectures from Liberty about the value of an education and asking her if she was okay, texts from Spinner claiming her stopped by her house after throughout the day. He was on high alert since the Ravine. Though Jay was doing the dealing on her behalf, he was still cautious of her wading in drug filled waters.

Drug dealing was simple. She _wished_ her situation was as simple as pushing stolen pharmaceuticals.

The world around her silenced. Mouths moved but no sound came out of them, students glared at her like they knew her dirty secret, but the reality was she came to a dead stop on the basketball court. Overcome with a feeling of sonder, she wondered how many other students had put themselves in her predicament.

The world went in a fast forward motion when she felt Spinner's stomach press into her back, studly arms wrapping around her. He kissed the back of her head before leaning his mouth into her ear, "Come with me, I want to show you something."

Spinner escorted her to the abandoned gym, placing her in a very specific spot. An air of significance encapsulated her; something big happened here. She watched Spin take two steps back and hold his arms up, beholding the gym in ghost like beauty, "That exact spot your standing is where I told Jimmy I was behind Rick's prank. That's the spot my life came crashing down around me, the spot I lost my best friend."

Guilt burned through her body like gasoline, she knew where this conversation was heading.

"I've spent the last year hating this damn spot. I've avoided it every chance I got, this is where I'm turning a negative into a positive," Spinner lowered his arms, taking her hands in his, gliding the pad of his thumb over the soft skin of her hand, "Jaycee, I love you. You're everything to me."

This is where she felt her heart crumble.

Tears pricked her eyes, threatening to spill out the longer Spinner looked at her. He bent his head down, brushing his lips against hers, mistaking her tears of regret for tears of happiness.

She stepped out of his reach, praying he couldn't notice the heavy rise and fall of her chest, or hear the uneasy breath escaping her lips. She reached into her bag, retrieved the ultrasound and pressed it into his chest.

His eyes widened, taking in the image of the ultrasound. It was hard to see, the photograph resembling tv static, but smack dab in the middle was something no bigger than a small strawberry. His baby, _their_ baby. "Holy shit." His mind was a chemical imbalance. Dopamine told him to kiss her and celebrate the growing fetus, instinct told him to run. They were so careful. "I-I need a minute. How did this happen, Jace? We used protection."

A stifled sob wracked her chest, "I'm terminating the pregnancy, Gavin. I wanna go to college, you know? You worked so hard to get your life back, we're graduating next year. We'd both have to drop out, I couldn't work because it's high risk. It's not possible," Her callous attitude resurfaced, it was the only thing keeping her from a mental breakdown. "Spinner, I'm sorry."

"No." It was a childish word of defiance and sounded silly coming from a grown man's mouth, "You don't get to make that decision for us. That's _my_ baby, Jace. I'm not letting you kill _my_ baby."

Her nostrils flared at his protest, "My body is rejecting the pregnancy, Spin. We're losing this kid either way, if I don't terminate I'll miscarry by week 13. I'm not keeping this baby just to say goodbye in three weeks."

"Then we'll go to the doctors! Our entire relationship has been on your terms, Jaycee. Everything I've done, I've done with your consent, walked on eggshells with you. Not anymore. It's my turn to decide what happens to _our_ kid. We'll do appointments, treatments, whatever it takes. That doctor doesn't know what a Mason can do."

"Stop! Stop, Gavin, just _stop._ The fact that this is your child changes nothing. My choice would have been the same, even if I was able to carry this child. You want to rebuild your life but a child isn't the way to do that. You already have me and Bentley, why can't you let that be enough?" Jaycee whimpered, looking at him with heartfelt eyes.

He took her hand and held it, pressing it into his cheek, "It is. You are, but there has to be a way we can make this work. Jaycee, please..."

"I'm sorry, Gavin."

It was as she was walking away he saw her for what she truly was; a heartbreak, a wound to the soul.

 **. . .**

Grief came in waves, grueling and appetite stealing. He'd only left the gym once since Jaycee left, to steal a flask from Jay. Karma. Fucking karma.

Whiskey burned on the way down as he whispered her words that made his soul bleed. Jaycee was whiskey. He hung his head between his legs, spinning the cap of the flask with his finger.

He heard the doors to the gym open but a second expulsion was almost comforting at this point. He kept his head down, staring at the spot where his life was annihilated now for a second time.

He heard a whistling as Jimmy wheeled up to him, sucking air through his teeth. He saw the flask in his hand and smacked it away. "Are you really that stupid, Spin? Put that shit away, whatever happened isn't worth getting expelled again."

Spinner glanced up at him and let out a dark chuckle, "You know this is where I told you about Rick?" He patted the floor beneath him, "I brought her here to make things official with us. Thought it would be romantic to make the spot where I lost my best friend where I asked Jaycee to be my girlfriend. I love her, Jimmy, and her son. All the energy I put towards trying to get you to forgive me, I focused on her—I just wanted to help someone instead of hurt them. She's pregnant," he held up the ultrasound, "I was ready to give up my second chance at senior year and be a dad. She's not keeping it. She's having an abortion. I thought karma caught up with me but I finally get it, what it's like to lose everything. It should have been me Rick shot."

"Wow, uh, that's heavy stuff. Spin, I am so, so sorry." Jimmy managed to stutter out. The last time he saw Spinner look so pitiful was when he confessed about what happened with Rick. "Wanna get out of here? You and me, come on." He wrestled the flask from Spin's hand, watching the the gratitude in his eyes as he tossed it in the trash. Spinner nodded, unable to find words.

He walked along side Jimmy, out of the gym, out the wreckage Jaycee had left him in.

 **. . .**

Jimmy stayed with Spinner, keeping him away from the bottle.

Jaycee knocked on the door and let herself in, holding a shopping bag by its twine handles. It was large, white and unmarked. She held her tongue, debating on coming back later. Her features were soft now and she looked at Spinner with such remorse, "Hey. Sorry to butt in."

"I'll take you home, Jimmy."

"No, man, it's cool. My dad's here anyway." Jimmy wheeled past her, shooting her the dirtiest look. Looks like she was in the running for Degrassi's new 'most hated person' award. He handed it bag to his father, "Here if you need anything."

Spin nodded and waited until they left to speak. He turned his back to Jaycee, walking to the couch, "Come to abort me, too?"

She deserved that. "Spin, I know you're upset with my choice but we don't have any other options."

"We do have options, you just don't want to take them."

The bitterness in his words stung, "I brought something that might make you feel better." She opened the paper bag, placing the items on the couch. A fetal Doppler the free clinic sent her home with, a positive pregnancy test, ultrasound, boy and girl onesies. "I don't want you to take it out on the baby cause you're unhappy with me. My decision doesn't mean we can't remember him...or her." She took of her shirt, now only standing in a bra and jeans, and laid down on the couch, turning on the machine. She put the wand on her tummy and moved it around until a fast paced _thump, thump, thump_ crackled through the speaker.

"Is that-"

"The heartbeat. Yeah, pounding away in there." She didn't smile when she spoke, rubbing her belly and encouraged Spin to do the same.

He was as blank faced as she was. He hesitated, hand hovering over her stomach. He wasn't sure if this experience would come to back to haunt him on nights were all he could think about was baby Mason, or bring him solace knowing he grew a bit closer before Jaycee took the small miracle away. "What does the number mean? 144?"

"How fast the heart is beating. Some people think that a heartbeat over 140 means you're having a girl but Bentley's was always in the 150's, it's more of an old wives tale than gender indication. You can record on your phone, if you want."

He did just that, he pulled out his phone and shyly held it to the speaker.

"We can pick out something together, to keep. Clothes, letters, ultrasounds. Liberty has a box for her son, I was thinking we could do the same." The heartbeat stopped.

"Why did it stop? Jaycee, why can't I hear the heartbeat anymore?"

"It moved."

"How can you tell? Find her again."

Jaycee cracked a small smile, "It feels like little bubbles, like when you have bad gas. You won't be able to feel her move for a few more weeks, though." She moved the wand around her stomach in a slow, circle motion until the heartbeat picked up. Spinner's hand touched her stomach when it did. Her eyes were heavy with tears, she turned her head into the couch cushion to keep herself in check. A lot of things Gavin did were purely emotion driven, where as Jaycee was a master of sheltering her grief. His heart and inability to control his emotions was what Jaycee loved most about him but someone had to be strong in their relationship to get them past this.

Jaycee played the heartbeat three more times, watching the full spectrum of emotions cross Gavin's face. Sadness, anger, hurt, denial, not a hint of acceptance. She would play along as long as she needed to if it helped him understand. He was laying with his head on her stomach, ear pressed to her belly and arms wrapped securely around her waist. Jaycee smoothed her hand through his hair and traced little shapes on his back with her fingers.

"Would it be weird if I talked to her?"

"It might help you cope better."

"Uhm, okay. Hi, baby. This your dad, Gavin, talking to you through Mom's belly. Don't call me that, though, only Mimi's allowed to call that. You're not even here yet but I love you so much already. Me, and your brother and...I can't do this. Jaycee, it's too hard. It's too fucking hard." His sobs were stifled at first but soon became guttural—raw tears, raw emotions, raw everything. There was so much anger in those pearl shaped tears; angry at the world for blessing him with a such a gift to only to snatch it away as quickly as he received it, angry for Jaycee at her lack of trying. Angry that the Universe could not let Gavin Mason be happy.

He was hollow. Tears dampened her stomach and rolled on to the couch, soaking the cushion under them. Jaycee knew how much it took to break a person; to make them ugly. She, herself, was crying for an entirely different reason. Home went from a place to a person with him, and she cried for the time they had left. He would leave soon, the resentment from her choice would be too much for their relationship to bear.

They cried so ferociously together, until the neighbors called the cops, for the soon to be loss of their child, for the loss of their relationship. Both of their lives destroyed for a second time.


	17. Week Eleven

**Trigger warning: contains talk of abortion and pregnancy loss.**

"I'm going to lose him, Liberty. We can't make it past this, no one can. I'm loosing my baby and then I'm going to lose Spin. I'm going to be alone again." Jaycee sobbed, falling into the arms of her best friend.

"You're not going to lose him, Jace. He loves you." Liberty held a once strong willed Jaycee, who had been reduced to nothing more than pile of tears and snot. "After all he's gone through to be in your life, he's not going to give you up. It may cause some problems and if it does leave, he won't stay gone for long."

"You can't know that, Liberty. I'm terminating his kid. No one can make it through something like that. You didn't see him when I broke the news. It tore him apart. I've never seen anyone cry like that before."

Liberty glanced at Jaycee. She held so much pity in her eyes. Flashbacks of her and J.T played through her mind, she had a point. Their relationship couldn't withstand putting their son up for adopting, J.T's attempted suicide put aside. She was trying to remain the optimist, the role she carried through her and Jaycee's friendship. Liberty had never thought she'd see someone live through a situation similar to what she went through with J.T., let alone her best friend. She began redirecting B's attention, getting ready to take him outside. "Let's take Bentley to the park. He doesn't need to be close while we discuss this."

Jaycee nodded, taking Bentley by the hand. They drove to a nearby park, Jaycee and Liberty took a seat at a picnic table and watched Bentley play from a distance. A light breeze picked up and rustled their hair. "You're protecting yourself, Jaycee. Under the anger, he knows that. If he holds that against you, that's his deal. I know him, though, and trust me when I say that he won't. He has a good heart, and it belongs to you."

"That love conquers all stuff is bullshit, Liberty. I'm going to lose him, end of story. I've known since Reed I was meant to be alone. I appreciate what you're trying to do but it's just the way it's supposed to be. Maybe we can get married for real, you're the only person meant to be in my life."

"So don't do it. If you really believe this is will be the decider in your relationship with Spin, let the pregnancy pass naturally. Abortion can really mess with your body. You need to be physically and mentally well for Bentley's sake. If you go through with the termination, I can almost guarantee you'll revert back to Michigan Jaycee. You're already back selling drugs, what if this is the push that makes you start using again?"

Jaycee didn't have a response. Her mind was set on abortion, it would be easier that way. She wouldn't have to live with the fact her body failed her. "I have another doctors appointment soon, can you take Bentley?"

Her point had been made. Liberty nodded, leaning her head on Jaycee's shoulder, "Of course."

 **. . .**

She was back in the cold room of the doctors office again, legs spread wide, staring at the flickering embryo inside of her.

"Heartbeat is in the low hundreds, even though it's only been a few days, the fetus isn't measuring what it should be at eleven weeks. At this stage, he or she should be almost fully formed. Have you come to a decision yet?" Jost paused, drawing a dotted line across the image of the blob in her stomach.

"I want to terminate." Jaycee said heavily, keeping her eyes focused on the tiled floor. It was cheap peel and stick tile, and she began thinking if she should trust the medical advice from such a cheaply renovated building. They could be wrong, her pregnancy could be viable. She could keep the baby and Spinner would love her again.

No. Abortion was the right choice. She had to better herself for her son, get out the drug game and poverty. A second child would only weigh her dreams down. "It looks like we have an opening in two weeks. I wish I could get you in sooner but we'd have to transfer you to another facility for the procedure, we are not a clinic that performs terminations. With the heart rate declining rapidly and growth essentially coming to a stop, I urge you to mentally prepare yourself. There's a good chance you could miscarry between now and then. Stay alert, look for spotting and cramping. If you experience any of those symptoms, call the emergency room as soon as possible. You'll have what's called an DNC and that takes care of the remains. Do you have someone who can drive you to the appointment? The baby's father, perhaps?"

The baby's father. She could ask Spinner but she very much doubted he would want to chauffeur her to the murder of his child. "No, he's not really happy with my choice. I can find a ride, though."

"I can imagine he's not, but ultimately it is your decision. I thoroughly believe you're making the right one. There's support groups, for abortion and miscarriage, I can refer you too. After everything is said and done.

"I don't need a support group."

 **. . .**

Jaycee had tried her best that night to keep her mind off the inevitable. She had made Bentley an extra special dinner and took him to the park once more to play with his beloved red frisbee. It was a gift from Spinner, back when she was trying her best to despise him. It should have stayed that way. She should have declined his offer to drive her around on her first day. She should have left their relationship fade after her snarky remark after they worked their first shift together. She should have made her coffee at home that morning.

They went to the dollar store and bought an abundance of glow sticks, throwing them in the bathtub and turning off the lights, the bathroom illuminated by a chartreuse glow. But even the time they shared together, laughing, cuddling and playing, wasn't enough to block out the thoughts of child loss.

She was cheating her son out of a sibling and a father figure. It wasn't right. Bentley would be the best big brother, he was good with the other children at daycare and loved assisting the teachers with infants. He loved them so much, he had cried and begged Jaycee for those creepy baby dolls, the ones whose eyes blinked and had the bottles where the white colored water disappeared into the plastic nipple. He took it everywhere and named it Cheese Stick. Cheese Stick joined him in the bath tonight, B insisted on washing him with a washcloth and baby shampoo, cause he was 'filfy.' Cheese Stick was currently hanging over the shower rod to dry.

It. Wasn't. Fair.

Jaycee grabbed the still damp washcloth, wiping away the black streaks trailing down her cheeks from the tears she wept on the ride home. Waterproof her ass. She let her hair out of its usual side braid and sprayed an olive oil serum through it to sooth the spilt ends. She flicked the light switch off, retrieving her phone from the pocket of her pajama pants, dialing Spinner's number.

" _Yo, Spin's phone. You know what to do. Beep."_

" _Yo. Spin's phone. You know what to do. Beep."_

" _Yo, Spin's phone. You know what to do. Beep."_

Spin's gone. You know what to do.


	18. Week Twelve

Jaycee connected her iPod into the cheap and dated stereo she'd owned for years. She turned the volume on full blast, rock music floating through her apartment.

She straightened a few things in her apartment, wiping down counters, disposing of wrappers and clothes her tornado of a son left behind. They were attempting potty training and pee soaked clothes were the latest trend in the Osbourne/Abbot household. Bentley Reed Abbot. Reed Abbot.

Abbot. Mason. None of her children had her last name. She was becoming _that_ girl. The girl who couldn't keep her legs shut, the girl who popped out kids with every man she met. Granted, she had only been with two men in her entire life but she was painting herself a whores imagine nonetheless. She tried to change Bentley's last name legally but Reed wouldn't allow it. He wanted nothing to do with the kid but still wanted him to bare his last name, using him as a sob story to pick up chicks while he together and after he'd tossed Jaycee aside. It was the only court hearing he'd shown up to and denied it right away.

She wouldn't have a second child to show as proof of her easiness soon.

Jaycee tossed a pair of dampened character pajamas into the clothes basket in her room, strumming an air guitar on the way out. She bobbed her head to the music, mouthing the words quietly, and stopped in front of the full length mirror to undress herself. She kicked the pants off her feet and pulled the shirt over her head and examined her nearly nude body.

Because of her tiny build and the fact that this was her second pregnancy, she was showing more quickly than a first time mother would. Her belly was rounded perfectly near the waistline but one would suspect she was simply pudgy if she didn't flat out tell them she was procreating.

Jaycee began to rub the bump, lovingly at first but she became angry the longer she touched it, trying to smooth the bump in her stomach away and out of her body. Red streaks ran down her stomach, the skin from her hand ripping against the skin of her stomach, like sweaty thighs peeling off leather on a hot day. "GOD!"

How could one cup of coffee change her entire life? She didn't want this.

She slammed her first into the mirror, expecting it to shatter but felt a sense of relief when it didn't. Her heart was so conflicted. The thing with kids is they come out with an instinct to trust their mother, long before knowing what trust is supposed to mean. She was a protector, a mama bear. How crummy a feeling to do right by one child but off the second without thought.

Fed up with her own reflection, she turned away from the mirror. Jaycee dressed herself in shorts and a loose fitting gray v-neck, throwing her dirty clothes in the basket. She gathered the basket and held it against her bump, opening the door.

Spinner was on the other side of it, "You shouldn't be doing that."

Hormones were a fun side effect of being knocked up. He was dressed in a plaid white and tan button up that hugged his pectorals so beautifully, sleeves rolled at the elbow and jeans. She marveled at his magnificent bone structure, his perfect cheekbones and chiseled jaw. She could take him right there but it wouldn't be appropriate. Pregnant sex was weird, anyway.

"I thought you were mad at me."

Spinner exhaled, "I am. I probably will be for a long time but I've been thinking and I'm starting to get it. School first, little Spaycee's later."

"Thinking without the help of Jay, I assume?" Jaycee probed, knowing his affinity for Jay and the Ravine in troubled times.

"Yeah," he grinned, "without Jay. Lift up your shirt, it looks like you're smuggling a watermelon under there." He teased, pulling a camera that printed photos on the spot from behind his back. He borrowed it from Joey, knowing that if Craig was still in Toronto, the starving artist in him would want to capture a photo weather Spin agreed or not.

"Oh, shut up. It's not that big." Jaycee slid the shirt up her belly, smiling for the picture. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you refer to our future children as 'Spaycee's.'

Leaning into the skid was better than slamming on the breaks and hoping for the best.

He still remained unconvinced that Jaycee's method would help him make it over the hurdle she threw this way but she was trying in the best way she knew how. Hell, he didn't know the first thing about being a father, either, but he was ready to tackle that head on. The guilt he felt when Jimmy cut him out of his life was unbearable, the hatred had for himself nearly swallowing him whole. He wasn't going back to that place again, he wouldn't become another Reed. Being with Jaycee brought on a maturity he had never known, the maturity his father had tried to pass onto him.

His dad was a good man. He had failed to make him proud while he was alive, with the shooting, the last image his father had of him was as a bully who cost the life of a boy and dreams of his best friend. His father never lived to see him succeed but he would make him proud as he looked on from a better place. He wouldn't have let his mother go through such a trail alone, Spinner wouldn't let Jaycee go this alone either—even if it tore his skin from bones.

"Good. I _need_ you to be mad at me, Spin. I want to have a knock down, drag out, blow out fight if it needs to happen. I can deal with you being angry, I can't deal with losing you. I need you to keep me in check. I can't go back to the person I was before I met you. I was a coward, always running. From problems, emotions, whatever. I can't run anymore, Gavin. I've never really had a home but with you, it's pretty damn close."

"I'm not Reed, Jaycee. I'm not going to be the second man to let Bentley down. I'm all in, Jace, 100%. But I didn't come over to talk about that, I want normal. No abortion talk, no baby stuff, just me and my girl."

Her kiss told all the words she didn't need to say. It was warm and comforting in a way words never could be, the half that made him whole. She heard the clicking of the camera and smiled half through the kiss. Those were the best kinds of kisses. Jaycee grabbed the photograph and shook it until it was developed.

"God, we're cute together. More." Jaycee flaunted the photo in his face.

They took pictures in various poses; silly ones, serious ones, lots more kissing ones. They laid in bed together and acted like her stomach didn't mold into a softball shape when she laid flat on her back. Her favorite photo was one where he was kissing her on the cheek, her head turned slightly to show this off and her lips were pouted in kissy face, fishy lips too. It was boring, normal and expected, everything their relationship was not.

"I know exactly what to do with these." Jaycee rolled over his body and off the bed, stumbling to her closet. She disappeared for a moment and re-emerged holding a dusty cardboard box. She tore it open like it held all the secrets to life and pulled out a string of fairy lights and hair pins. Fifteen year old Jaycee thought they brought the perfect aesthetic to a dreary drug house. She made Spinner grab the stack of photographs and tote them to the living room while she trailed the lights behind her. Jaycee borrowed Spinner's tallness and made three rows with the lights. They pinned the photos to the lights with the hair pins and stepped back to admire they're work, drinking in their final moments of being together.


	19. Week Thirteen

**A/N: It's here, guys! THE THING HAS ARRIVED! This chapter focuses and graphically depicts miscarriage. Please, please, PLEASE, if you have suffered one, do NOT read this chapter. No story is worth your mental health. As always, thank you for sticking by me as I built up this story. I'm sure a lot of you thought the true plot would never come but it's finally here, you're reading it and your heart better be ready! Try not to hate me for putting poor, precious Spinner through so much grief.**

Blood filled the toilet, staining the white porcelain, her thighs and now the tub she was doubled over in.

Her day started innocently enough. School, boyfriend time, best friend time. She dropped Bentley off at daycare to have an hour to herself before work. She was two days shy of her appointment to terminate the pregnancy.

 _She started spotting earlier in the afternoon but thought nothing of it. Bright pink dots of blood were fairly normal for her pregnancies, she spotted a good amount in her first trimester with Bentley. Then the cramps came. Nothing to bat an eye over at first, but grew more intense as the day went on. When she arrived home from dropped Bentley off, she felt a warm, wet sensation between her thighs. "Did I just piss myself?" Loss of bladder control was normal after having children. Jaycee sat on the toilet for relief, feeling around down there with her hand. Blood._

She looked in the toilet.

She wished she hadn't.

Amidst the blood and toilet paper, she could make out something flesh colored, resembling a piece of raw chicken. She could count it's fingers and toes, prints unique to its person.

Jaycee never believed in a higher power, but a benevolent being from above was surely making her pay. Thinking she could be sedated and not feel a thing while her child was being removed from her was foolish. She needed to suffer.

Strawberry liquid gushed and flowed freely beneath her for close to an hour. Jaycee wasn't sure of bleeding to death was a possibility, but if it was she deserved to die alone— next to the fetus whose life she was quick to end. She was in pain physically, emotionally.

She kept her phone available but it remained untouched. She didn't call Spinner, she didn't call Liberty.

Jaycee remained in a heap, in her blood, in her sadness, until black spots clouded her vision. She reached a weak hand out to the tub side, grabbing her phone, calling 911, and explained her saga through half hearted sobs and shallow breaths.

 **. . .**

Spinner sat alone in his apartment, indulging himself in video games. He watched the screen with precision, stealing a car from some random on the street.

Nothing like a good car jacking to keep your mind occupied.

His phone vibrated between the couch cushions, and he had half a mind to ignore it as he continued to flee from the cops chasing him. It stopped for a moment then picked back up a minute later. He didn't want to be bothered today.

On the second ring, he picked up. "Hello?"

"Is this Gavin Mason?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Mr. Mason, I'm calling from Ridgeline Medical Center. We have you listed as Jaycee Osbourne's emergency contact."

He flinched at her words. She did it. "What happened? Why is she in the hospital?"

"I can't disclose that information over the phone, sir, you'll just have to get down here right away."

The terror hit him as it never left. She did it. She had the abortion without him. He didn't get to hold her hand or kiss her belly one last time. Everything she had done to help him cope with the loss, all the kind words she spoke to him, wasted.

He hung up in disbelief, sprinting to his keys and out the door.

 **. . .**

The walls of the waiting room were white, sterile. Blue plastic chairs and loveseats squared around a table with floral grandmother print. Spinner held the controller tightly in his hands, fidgeting with the d-pad as if he were still playing video games undisturbed. He left his house in such a rush, the plastic thing came with him but gripping the handles and moving the controls around gave his mind something to focus on. Oh, boy, was he angry. Angry and devastated. He would swallow his feelings for the time, until she was better. Jaycee first, his emotions later. He was reluctant to agree with her choice, knowing he could never change her mind, but he at least deserved the courtesy of being there when it went down.

"Gavin Mason?" An aged man with salt and pepper hair called, stepping into the waiting room. Spinner abandoned the controller, shoving his hands in his pockets as he stepped the meet him half way. The doctor looked strong, sturdy, like he was ready to deliver good news, but sense of optimism was an illusion at this point. Spinner opened his mouth to speak but his fear of hospitals blocked his ability to talk. His speech was hindered but the word stuck in his mouth like peanut butter, not wanting to wash away.

Abortion. Termination. Deceased child.

"Mr. Mason, my name is Dr. Carlson. I'm sorry to be meeting you under such unfortunate circumstances. The good news is, Ms. Osbourne passed most of the tissue at home but not all of it. She's currently under going a dilation and curettage, otherwise known as a D&C, to remove the rest of the tissue. We'll keep her here for the remainder of the night and you can leave in the morning."

Spinner shook his head incredulously, "What do you mean she passed the tissue at home? She had an abortion. That's why I'm here."

Carlson's shoulders dropped and he tapped the clipboard on the side of his leg. He removed his glasses from the bridge of his nose. Years of being in the medical profession never prepared one for delivering bad news, "I think there's been some confusion. She miscarried, son. My condolences."

"Well, what-what do we do with the baby?" He managed to stutter out.

"You can do as you wish with the remains..." Carlson was very good at translating the language of pregnancy loss but he'd stopped listening long ago, the word 'miscarriage' pounding him repeatedly in the stomach. The doctor motioned for Spinner to follow him and lead him to Jaycee's room. He didn't say a word as he shut the heavy door behind him.

She laid in the hospital bed, IV tubes and needles sprouting from her hand. He watched her chest fall and rise softly, she was sleeping. In her comatose like state, he could tell by the way her brows furrowed together in her sleep that she was hurting, too. He wondered how long she had suffered, why she didn't call him. His beautiful Jaycee, alone in her melancholy, alone as she passed what was supposed to be their child. Alone as she was getting their child scraped from her insides. Paternal instinct is different for soon to be dad's but he should have sensed this was happening when he didn't hear from her. If his instinct couldn't tell him what was wrong with Jaycee, how could he even be a father?

Surreal was the only word that could put things in perspective. He felt like a stranger looking in on his own life. Baby one day, gone the next. Spinner's eyes traveled to Jaycee's stomach, he needed to touch it for all of this to be real. Her skin was cold and clammy as he crawled into the hospital bed next to her, touching his hand to her vacant belly. And he cried. Cried like his brain was being torn to shreds from the inside. It was the kind of desolate sobs only a person who had lost everything could produce, from his eyes fell tears thicker than when he'd buried his own father just two years ago. You anticipate to bury your parents someday, but never your children. If Jaycee would even want a burial, that is. It wasn't her style, she was a leave the past in the past type. How could he tell his mother? She's always wanted grandchildren but bringing Bentley, a strangers child, into her life brought her so much joy. There needed to be a greeting card for this sort of occasion. 'I was going to be a dad but now I'm not, sorry Mom.'

He tried to believe his baby was up there somewhere, safe and warm but it wasn't enough to stop the flow of emotions seeping from his pores.

Life was going so good. Too good, coincidentally. His world had vanished, months of happiness thrown out the window, and now there was only enough pain to break him beyond recognition.

God took the wrong god damn kid.


	20. Small Bump

Men are the forgotten grievers during miscarriage. The patriarch of the family was a strong soldier, a rock for the grieving mother to lean on; a stone that must never been cracked.

Jaycee had received many visitors, people she knew, people she didn't. All of them bearing a gift of some sort: flowers, precooked meals, movies, anything to ease life for her or keep herself preoccupied during recovery. Not like she was awake to appreciate any of it, she spent most of her time sleeping or doped up on pain medication.

Spinner got very little; a handshake, a reassuring pat on the back, a 'sorry for your loss' here and there. Men didn't talk about feelings, men didn't cry. He was merely a sperm dispenser standing on the sidelines, he didn't grow attached to the fetus and thus didn't have a reason to mourn.

Except he did.

It seemed selfish of him to expect the same comfort Jaycee was receiving. With the help of Liberty, they found a funeral home that provided free services to parents of stillborns or miscarried children, cremating what was left of his child. The memory of him fishing the fetus out of the toilet bowl would haunt him for life, trumping the replay of Jimmy.

At least he had Liberty on his side. Together they laid his baby to rest in a stuffed elephant, constructed from the baby clothing Jaycee had bought just weeks prior. It was Liberty's idea to take the recording the heartbeat off his phone onto a voice recorder and throw it in with the stuffing.

The elephant was a gift for both of them but for as well as they knew Jaycee, the sentiment would mean far more to Spinner than her.

As she excelled in everything, Liberty surpassed every friendship goal while tending to Jaycee. She played her favorite songs, woke her up to eat and walk, though Jaycee mostly slumped on her shoulder as they toured her apartment. She had an arduous pill schedule planed for Jaycee, distributing them right at the four hour mark, not a second sooner. Their biggest fear from all of this was a relapse from Jaycee.

Liberty sat next to Jaycee on the bed with a warm plate of food in her hand, shaking her shoulders gently. "Hungry yet, Jace?"

Jaycee mumbled a dismissive noise, cocooning the covers around herself tightly and turning her back to Liberty. Liberty sighed, patting her best friends back. She stood up and took the plate to Spinner in the front room, setting it in his lap. She collapsed on the cushion next to him, squeezing his leg, "How are you feeling, Gavin?"

Spinner picked up the fork, pushing the corn around the plate. "They don't write a handbook on this shit. I don't know. It's my job to be strong for her, I can handle that. But being strong for the both of us? I don't think I have it in me. Jaycee is a rock, Libs. You know that. Can't talk about my feelings, she won't talk about hers."

Liberty made a face, "Who says you can't talk about your feelings?"

"I've been reading articles on the internet, every dude whose gone through this basically went through it alone. It's guy stuff, Libs. You wouldn't get it."

"Screw 'guy stuff'. Spin, your feelings are just as valid as Jaycee's. If you want to talk, talk. I'm aware we haven't been the best of friends over the years but I remember the way you were after Jimmy. Don't become that person again." She turned her body to Spinner, giving him her full attention. "So, talk." Her smile was sincere, touching the corners of her eyes.

It was easy to see why Jaycee chose Liberty of all people to befriend. Underneath the layers of homework and student council presidency, was a girl who tried to provide what she didn't have through her struggle. He rubbed the back of his neck with a loud exhale, "That kid was my greatest accomplishment. There's so much I wanted to teach it, watch it do. I'll never know if it was a boy or a girl. I'll never know if has Jaycee's eyes or my hair, if it would even look like me at all. I was scared but I was ready, Liberty. What if that was my only shot? Who am I supposed to be angry at? Jaycee, God, myself? Why didn't my child matter?" His body buckled under the weight of his confession and he collapsed into Liberty for comfort, resting his head in the crook of her neck.

"There's no one to place the blame on, Gavin. These things happen, unfortunate as it is." She frowned. Mother like tendencies took over as her fingernails glided his arm. It was comforting. "After my adoption became closed, I found this poem. I've never felt need to share it with anyone but I think it would be wise if you read it, too." Liberty moves from under a grieving Spinner and walked to get her book bag. She unzipped the top, retrieving a paperback book. The poem was already dog eared, stained with tears of her own. She extended her arm over the table for Spinner to grab it.

He took the book, leafing through the pages until he found the one Liberty was referencing. Spinner trained his eyes to the words, focusing intently to fight the urge of skimming as he usually did. He didn't respond immediately, absorbing the words into his mind. Once their impact was truly felt, he offered the book back to her, which she declined. "Keep it. I have another copy."

At her words, he rose off the couch, trapping her in his defined arms, "You're the only person I know who buys two of the same book." He chuckled but his tone didn't match the joke. They held the pose for several minutes, Liberty informing him it takes twenty seconds for a hug to release the proper amount of oxytocin. He'd take all he could get. Spinner held her at arms length when the hug broke, clapping her on the arm, "You're a good friend, Libs. Thanks."

Liberty smiled a humble smile, as if she wasn't helping him piece his life back together. She wiped her palms on her jeans, slightly uncomfortable with their proximity. "Well, what now? I don't want to leave, in case Jaycee wakes up."

A grin turned up the corners of his mouth, wheels turning in his head.

. . .

"I'm sorry, but _what_ is the point of this?" Liberty sat hunched over, tilting her head towards the tv, enthralled but irritated. She'd never played a video game a day in her life. "Shooting portals at a wall? I'm so confused."

"The point is, there is no point." Spinner remarked, never turning his attention from the game. He ducked his head under his controller, sipping beer from a bendy straw, "You're bad at this."

"And you're observant. I don't even watch Danny play games. I think it's a waste of time." She chided lightly, lowering her own controller when Spin finished out the level.

"We don't have to play anymore if you're bored." Spinner began, trying to draw the controller out of Liberty's hands but she jerked it away. He looked at her with a raised brow and amused smile.

Liberty was fixing to speak but an elongated groan sounding from behind them interrupted. They both turned to watch Jaycee stumble out of her room then stretch her arms over her head.

She scratched her still aching belly as she approached, "I am so fucking hungry." Jaycee complained, blinking in disbelief at the sight of Liberty Van Zandt with a controller in her hand. Never though she'd see the day.

However, Liberty didn't give her time to react before leaping over the couch to bombard her with questions and shove protein down her throat, Spinner following suit.

Jaycee replied in mumbles and generic answers, no conviction in her answers or any words to indicate what she was feeling inside.

Dead.

They carried on for close to an hour, tending to her needs and sitting in silence. Liberty cried all the tears she couldn't until she announced her departure. It's not that she _wanted_ to leave, more like she _needed_ to give the couple their space. Liberty left with a heartfelt goodbye, leaving Spin and Jaycee alone on the couch.

She had her knees bent over his lap, taking notice to the beer in his hand. Worry painted her face until she dismissed it. A poor move, given dating an addict for the better part of her teenage years. That's just what they did, they drank and made fun of things. Spinner wasn't fueled by alcohol, it didn't consume his soul the way cocaine did Reed's.

Spinner was the first to speak, "That letter writing thing Liberty said, I want to do that." He looked to Jaycee who wore a look of approval on her face. If he couldn't get her to talk about her feelings, writing them would suffice. Spinner tapped her knee cap, a silent request to remove her legs so he could grab a notebook and pens. The book Liberty had given him was hidden in his pocket. He shooed Jaycee to her room, not wanting her to peek at what he wrote before it was done. He waited until he heard the door click shut before tapping the clicky top pen to his chin, opening the gift from Liberty. He set the pen to the paper and began scratching on the page:

' _I carry your heart with me_

 _(I carry it in my heart.)_

 _I am never without it.'_

 _e.e. cummings_

 _I'll always wonder who you would have been. You were only here for a little bit but you were so tremendously loved. Things happen. Don't be bad at your mother, it wasn't her fault. Her name is Jaycee and she is wonderful. You have a brother named Bentley who is equally as awesome. I'm so sorry, bean, but we wouldn't have been able to give you the life you deserve. We want to give you the world. You are my world._

 _I love you, I miss you._

 _Love, Dad._

Jaycee's carried a much different tone:

 _Your father will hurt for a long time after this. He fought for you every day, please don't be upset with him. One day, I'll make it up to him._

 **A/N: Weeeeeee, another emotional chapter! Poem is I carry your heart with me, by e.e cummings, obvious paraphrased. It's a beautiful poem. I strongly suggest looking it up if you're a fan of beautiful words. I also apologize if Spinner seems a little out of character, besides the poem the words you read were from my personal to my own struggle between me and a past love.**


	21. Spinner

**Authors Note: Hello, my dearies! I've been away for a while, I know. I know and I am SO SORRY! I'll be upfront: I had some major doubts about myself and this story. Got in my own head and started overanalyzing every single thing about the direction I'm taking this story, about myself as a writer. Is it too dark? Did I not build Jaycee's pregnancy up enough? Things like that and I completely lost motivation for SSM, but I'm back. I wrote what you could consider the (very) rough draft back in 2011, told myself I was going to rewrite and complete it this year, and damn it I'm sticking to that promise. I'll try to be better, guys, I swear. So, to ease myself back into the writing gig, I'm going to switch it up. This chapter will be written through Spinner's point of view. I'm willing to bet it's not something I'm going to stick with, but here we go! Please enjoy this chapter, simply titled 'Spinner', in which we see how Spin and Jaycee are piecing their lives back together.**

It's been four weeks since I lost my unborn child. Four weeks that I've been too afraid to eat, sleep, or shower alone. Four weeks that I've wished my life was a nightmare I could wake up from. I've been staying with Jaycee since she was released from the hospital.

I should have stayed before.

She's regained most of her movement and I've watched her try to resume life as normal. Even now, I watch her hips twitch around the kitchen, pulling out plates for our breakfast. My breakfast was beer. I haven't eaten much, any of my nutrients coming from protein shakes. I tell Jaycee it's because I want to bulk up again, that devoting time to the gym will snap me out of this haze. 'It's different for men, Jace,' I tell her. I hear the slop of gravy covering biscuits as she sets the plate in front of me. She gives me a weak smile, I look away. A heavy sigh leaves her lips, she's trying. She takes a seat on my knee, wrapping her arms around my neck, and presses a kiss into my forehead.

"You okay?" She asks.

I nod, "Getting there, babe." I answer reluctantly, rubbing my hand on her thigh. This is the most affection we've been able to show each other in a long time.

She's a tough one, my Jaycee. I see her grieve, in moments she believes she's alone, in the simple things, in the silence. I caught her napping the other day, our unnamed elephant wrapped in her arms, her breath shaky from crying herself to sleep. My thick skinned, warrior of a woman.

She leans in with one more kiss and excuses herself silently to wake Bentley up. I take the moment and bolt to the living room, getting on my knees to reach the collection of beer bottles I'd been hiding. I wrap them in individual plastic bags before shoving them into one and tie the top shut, "Taking out garbage, be right back!" I yell to no one in particular.

I must take the garbage out ten times a day. I wonder if she notices. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I close the front door behind me and jog out to the dumpsters on the side of our apartment. It was my idea to send Liberty away. She'd also been staying with us, most nights taking my side of the bed while I slept on the couch.

Liberty Van Zandt is by far a better boyfriend than I'll ever amount to.

It's nothing personal against her. I thought being alone with my family was what Jace and I needed to heal but our conversation falls flat without Liberty. We're both leaning on her, in a way. She promised to drop her visit's down to once a week, and she's been good at holding her word. When she does come by, we put on a hell of a show. We laugh, kiss, and touch each other like we used to but once she leaves, it's silence. We're both too prideful to admit that we haven't adjusted to being alone.

I've picked up Jaycee's habit of smoking. It takes the edge off, especially on nights where I find it hard to sleep; Jaycee and I have a system. We split a pack and leave it on the curb. She was supposed to be quitting but we all have our vices, I guess. I light the one I left unfinished in the early hours of this morning and take a few puffs.

I can feel myself getting bad again, like the 'I got Jimmy shot' bad. But this time I can't flaunt it. I have a family to take care of. I'm grateful for Bentley, I really am. Meeting him changed my life, it makes me want to be better. I am better, in certain ways. I'm serious about finishing my high school career, I was when I begged Hatzilakos to let me back in but now I want more than a lackluster life for my step son. I haven't called him that, at least not out loud. Jaycee certainly hasn't brought it up and given our current situation, I'm not going to push it.

I snub out the cherry on my cigarette and return back inside.

Bentley is waiting at the table for me and when I sit down, he puts his head on my knee and hugs my calf. Sweet boy. I wonder if my child would have been as caring. I heard the second child is always the wild child, the one that evades sleep and has a bit of an evil streak to them. It was the opposite for Kendra and I, but she was adopted.

Damn. No _actual_ sister, no _actual_ child. Am I ever meant to have a real family? I'm not the religious type, at least I haven't been since Hurricane Darcy blew through my life, but every day I find myself praying for a miracle. Or at least a sign that my baby is okay, safe with his or her grandfather. My father. What would he have done in this situation?

Certainly not be hiding his drinking habits from my mother.

"I'm picking up Jessie's shift at The Dot today, she needed it off for a doctor's appointment." I told Jaycee. She's increasingly been working again, mostly in the cash office where she can sit until she's back to 100%. It's been rough on her, she's a go getter.

"Closing?"

"Yep." I take a look at the time on my phone and see that it's almost time to get Bentley to daycare so we can get to school. He's all gooped up from his breakfast, more of it ending up on his clothes than in his belly. I motion across the table for him to take my hand so I can get him a change of clothes, "You are the messiest child. Wanna match with Spinner today?"

We have matching pull overs. It's completely unintentional. But he's excited to match nonetheless and claps his hands above his head as he jets off into his bedroom.

Jaycee is waiting for us at the door by the time we leave the bedroom, holding a paper bag with Bentley's lunch. Her expression shifts when she sees us, and she walks up to me, snaking her arms around my waist. I hug her back, pressing her so close she could melt into me.

"Look at my boys," she says proudly, pulling Bentley in to make this a family hug. "Your bullshit is my bullshit, Spin. Remember that."

It's the closest she's come to saying 'I love you'.


	22. Elephant In The Room: A Short

_**Happy Halloween, my lovelies! I'm sorry (but also not sorry) this wasn't a real contribution to the plot. I suppose you could consider this an Easter egg of sorts, a little break from the usual. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this little extra piece as a break from the tear fuel that is She's So Mean. I know it's still kind of sad, but it's a happy sad, right?**_

How long had It been here, trapped in this luscious prison of fluff? It didn't know. Anomalies aren't bound to timelines.

Nor did they have a sense of identity. It didn't have telltale marks to indicate gender or appearance, It only knew itself as one thing: _baby._ It knew the voices that surrounded It, the names of those surrounding it when the voices left themselves particularly vulnerable to the Other World. Sometimes, Baby willed itself to tune in.

Mother.

Father.

Brother.

Mother was sad and sassy, good with the one they called brother. Her voice was soft, but other times loud, sometimes full of laughter. 'Idiot' was another name Baby heard often. Mother ruled supreme in the house, Brother and Father silencing when she spoke.

'Idiot' was father. Oh, father. Father seemed more in tune with the spiritual side of things, Baby heard his voice more than anyone's. He was loud and rambunctious, the cause of the laughter. He didn't seem to hold as much authority as Mother, and his voice was always light when he spoke to her.

And Brother? Well, brother was unaware of Baby's presence. At least outside of whatever vessel held it. A few times a week, Baby would get rattled around, lost and buried in the soft substance. _'We'll tell you more when you're older.'_ Mother and Father would say when Brother questioned Baby's presence in its mausoleum. He was silly, though. Rough at times but cozied with Baby's vessel often, none the wiser to its true identity.

Contrary to popular belief, anomalies and ghosts aren't malicious. Not all of them, not always. They manifest with purpose, to very few people. Only when a message needed to be delivered, sometimes to stir up mischief. Spirits get bored, too. Baby would free itself, taking the form of light, showing up in photos, and very rarely expose itself to the naked eye. Only when Mother and Father seemed to be struggling to cope with its loss. Baby would come in the form of kick's in Mother's stomach, a warm air on Father's shoulder. In the form a friend for Brother, leaving Mother and Father puzzled as to how its home appeared in Brother's room, when it was tucked neatly away in its safe spot just a few hours before. He would demonstrate to Baby how to play with moving images on screen or mush around a dough like substance into shapes. On occasion, Baby didn't have to move at all. Brother would tote it around the house in a square with wheels or simply stretch out the fabric covering his torso, shoving Baby into his shirt and move recklessly.

Today was All Saint's Day; a day when spirits could manifest as they please, without limitation of the paranormal hour. Baby forced its way out of captivity, breezing around the house, hovering above Mother and Father.

"TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET!" Brother shouted, swinging an orange container around wildly.

Trick or treat?

"Calm down there, Sheriff. We have to wait for your dad. Spin, you ready?"

"I can't believe you talked me into this stupid family costume, Jace." Father huffed, stumbling out of the bathroom, dressed head to toe in a green and purple outfit. A plastic helmet fell with enough force to jerk his head back in surprise.

Mother and Brother matched, "That's Jaycee the Cowgirl to you. Innit that right, Sheriff Bentley? Quit yer complaining and grab a pillow case, Space Commander. We got some candy to collect, I reckon."

Father sighed in defeat, pressing his lips against Mother's.

"Trick or treat! Trick or treat! I'm gonna eat all the candy, dad! I'm gonna get more candy than you."

Father raised an eyebrow in challenge, "You'll have to catch me first, boy!" Father laughed, charging the door, nearly knocking Brother off balance in his quest for victory.

Baby followed as quickly as Spinner ran. Baby didn't know what 'trick or treats' was, but it knew it wanted to go. It knew it wanted to be with its family.

Baby's First Halloween.


	23. Monster

Author's Note: Hello, my lovelies! It's been a freaking minute, hasn't it? Since my update schedule is ever unreliable, I'll cut to the chase; which won't be shocking if you've read thus far. This story is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, and this chapter may seem…abrupt, given my absence. Also, Bentley's appearances will be limited for a while, as we near the end of She's So Mean I really want the focus to be on the finality of Jaycee and Spinner's relationship. As I'm sure you've guessed, this story is going to be a slow burn.

Warnings: Light sexual scenes, excessive drinking.

Jaycee let her head rest on Spinner's bare chest, taking in the sound of his rapid heartbeat as he huffed and puffed away. Nothing like a morning quickie to start the day. Well, make that _an hour's_ worth of quickies. More of a marathon, really. A surprise visitor from Spin's nether regions had Jaycee feeling some type of way and Spin was looking as glorious as ever, with newly formed abs you could grate cheese on and morning on his breath.

And sure, maybe partaking in the very act that put them in this situation wasn't the _best_ course of action but they'd barley talked in weeks. They shared a bed, hormones were a thing; a sexual encounter or two was inescapable.

Spin was gone a lot. Whether it be work, or Jimmy's, or school, he just wasn't there. He'd gone full Jaycee on her. It wasn't a pleasant spot to be in, and she quickly realized the hell she had put him through all those months ago. Her lips parted and then shut again, a light breath escaping from them. He was running his hand through the length of her hair and she didn't want to ruin the moment. It felt nice. It felt normal.

It's true she didn't want to ruin the moment but, man, when the tv displayed an advertisement for a pan that claimed to be made entirely from diamonds, she had to speak up, "I know that egg is probably rubber and fake as hell but look how it swirls around the pan!"

A chuckle rose from his throat like ripples from a pond, "Losin' your touch, Jace. We used to make fun of stuff like that, remember?" He paused as he rolled out from underneath her and positioned himself between her welcoming legs, "But I'd give you all the overpriced blue pans and fake eggs in the world." A wild grin brought a sparkle to his eye as he reached for something else that was rubber. New and tested this time, no more accidents. He slipped it on and settled himself before…

"I POOPED."

Spinner's head hung between his shoulders and he slumped in a defeated manner. Kids and their timing. Jaycee launched her head back with a laugh and they exchanged amused glances. The door creaked open slowly and then all at once, before Spin got a chance to…remove himself. "Holy crap!" He yelped, wrapping the sheets around his waist and jumped off Jaycee faster than he'd ever moved in his life.

"Mom, I pooped."

"One of us will be there in a second." Jaycee sat upright and reached her hand out to shut the door behind Bentley. She sat back down on the bed and faced Spinner. They resumed their staring contest, before balling their hands into a fist and slamming it into their palms.

Spinner: Rock (as always)

Jaycee: Paper

"Ha. Sucker." Jaycee beamed, cracking her knuckles in victory. "You always pick rock, Spin. Rookie move."

"Rock is manly, it's a symbol of power. If rock, paper, scissors followed the laws of science, rock technically beats paper so who's the sucker now babe?" He countered, pulling one leg into his jeans. Jaycee guffawed at his logic.

"This is _exactly_ why you're getting a C in science. It's called logic, and there's no logic in rock, paper, scissors-just you losing every time. Paper's the way to go, bro." Spinner mocked her explanation, covering her lips with his own before she could continue her victory speech. He pulled his shirt over his head after breaking the kiss, then stepped to the mirror to fluff and mold his hair into something presentable.

"Don't make plans tonight. I have a rare four hour shift after school and when I get home, I'm taking you and B out for a family dinner."

Jaycee kept her eyes locked on the door. Four hours came and went, no sign of Gavin. So she sat in the kitchen, prettied up for no reason. It was the first time she'd put herself together since the miscarriage. Fortunately, she hadn't told Bentley of such dinner plans, at Spinner's suggestion they had planned to take him to a children's theme restaurant with animatronic animals, arcade games and the like. She wanted it to be a surprise, it had been so long since she'd taken him to do anything fun. He would have been crushed.

She checked her phone, seeing if he'd responded to any of her numerous texts or returned any calls. No such luck. Jaycee clutched in her fist and bounced it against the table to contain the rage welling up inside of her.

Fuck this.

She stood abruptly, chair screeching on the tile as she did. The sound of her heels echoed much louder than she intended them to as she stomped around the kitchen and onto the soft carpet of her living room. "I can't believe I put on heels for him." She growled, snatching her keys from the ceramic bowl Spin's mom had given him. If he wanted to ditch out on them, fine, but she wouldn't allow her anger to let her mope around ruin her child's surprise. They would go without him and have a wonderful time, she'd even let him stay up past his bedtime to play video games.

"Bentley! Get your shoes on bub, we're going to dinner!" Jaycee yelled, concealing the anger in her voice. She kicked off her designer heels—ten bucks at the thrift store— in favor of beat down canvas shoes, walking to Bentley's room. He passed out watching a children's movie. Jaycee knelt down, speaking gently, trying to wake him but was unsuccessful. Kid was a heavy sleeper. Defeated, she sighed, turning out the light to her son's room.

Cue Gavin attempting to sneak in, shutting the door behind him quietly. Jaycee's cold, jade eyes had him locked in her searing sights. "Sorry, got slammed the last bit of my shift and had to stay over. I'll make it up to you guys tomorrow, pinky swear." He had the utmost confidence in his lie, kissing Jaycee's forehead, the sharp sting of alcohol on his breath discernable.

"Get fucked, Mason." She pushed past him, aggressively slamming her shoulder into his arm as she did. "The Dot doesn't serve booze, asshole."

"Fuck…okay, look, I'm sorry. Jay came into grab some food. He wanted to hang out, so we went to the Ravine and knocked a few back. I lost track of time, I'm sorry." He stalked Jaycee around the house, shoulders jumping as she went around slamming doors and violently ripping the blanket and pillow from their bed. "Jaycee, I'm trying to talk to you." He pleaded, blocking the doorway so she couldn't leave the room.

Jaycee threw her belongings to the ground in a tantrum, "Jay is a bad influence, Jay is trash. Isn't that what you told me when you found out he was helping me? How stupid do you think I am, Gavin? Trying to come home and act like Reed hasn't done this to me before, I know when someone's indulging behind my back."

"I didn't say you wh—"

" **Handle your shit, Gavin.** Grieve, drink, whatever but _handle your shit._ That baby was mine, too, but I'm not drinking my sorrows away." Jaycee shook her head in disgust, "I'm sleeping on the couch tonight."

It was a restless night for Spinner, tossing and turning. An empty bed was hard to get used to. The romantic in him pleaded him to camp out on the living room floor, refusing to move until she came to bed. But Jaycee was right to be angry.

Or was she?

He had been hiding his drinking for a long time now, and he had suspected for a while that Jaycee knew. She never verbalized her knowledge of the hidden beer bottles or late nights at The Dot or him taking out the garbage too much.

Instead she ignored it. She ignored his pain. Jaycee had only made one, half assed attempt to reach out to him in the roughest time of his life. After all the time he'd put in their relationship, into making sure she was comfortable during and after their loss. _Your bullshit is my bullshit_ is the only thing she had say but she'd done little to prove her actions.

In a way she was right, in a way he was right. He could have been more adult in his actions and sat her down to set her straight. But why should he make all the effort? The bottle was much easier. He loved Jaycee, and he was sure Jaycee loved him, but their relationship had been nothing but Jaycee growing upset when he wouldn't talk first.

He was tired of talking first.

And yet still, his heart loved her more than his mind could fathom. At one point, Jaycee had begun to suggest counseling but withdrew her thoughts the moment the words left her tongue. That was weak, and Jaycee wasn't weak, and Jaycee expected him not to be weak.

So, yes, his actions were justified. He was tired of playing savior. It was when that final thought hit him that he tore himself away from the bed, walking around the room and finally into the living room.

Jaycee wasn't on the couch. He found her in the kitchen, drinking iced coffee and eating stale Cheeto's entirely too late. The heavy bags under her eyes indicated she hadn't slept much either. The moon illuminating the kitchen table casted her in a shadow that was much fitting for the way he was picturing her right now, speaking the truth of what he always feared. Once she had told him he'd leave too, that she had her hang ups with men and she pushed everyone in her life away. Her confession was coming to fruition at their kitchen table.

He lingered, waiting for a sniffle, a tear; anything to indicate she was upset. Jaycee, she was complicated. Complicated was irresistible. Or used to be, anyways. His other lovers had been so easy to fall for him, so quick to forgive. A girl who didn't instantly melt under his smile was a rare find and he enjoyed the chase. He enjoyed the bi-polar nature of their relationship, the inability to grasp her and keep her once he caught her. Chasing Jaycee was like riding an exceptional high, but Spinner was ready for rehabilitation. The shift of his weight caught her attention but as soon as her eyes fell on him, he turned away.

This on again, off again shit was exhausting, but Jaycee was well aware she only did it to herself. Perhaps she spoke out of line. It was her way, though, to shove people out of her life. It was a coping mechanism; the world had left her cynical. Gavin had to understand that. But maybe it was her time to understand him.

Approximately all of their relationship had been about her; she had been utterly self-centered, demanding, and thankless. She'd spent so much time watching his every move, searching for any semblance of Reed that she had slowly pushed him toward that line.

She was a terrible person. The absolute worst.

The change to the girlfriend he deserved should have happened a long time ago, but she was prepared to stop hiding behind her past and be the love her love deserved. Where she had been exhausted, she was renewed. Positive energy flooded her body and she was ready to be everything he needed. She gathered her keys, jetting off to The Dot to make her grandiose apology.

The gentleman exiting The Dot as she was entering held the door open for it. She nodded a thanks, searching the restaurant for Spin's presence. When she couldn't see him working the counter, she ventured back to the kitchen, assuming he was on grill duty. No sign of him there, either.

Jaycee tapped a coworker on the shoulder, catching her before she could deliver her tray of drinks to waiting customers, "Where's Gavin? He said he was picking up an extra shift tonight."

The waitress shrugged, "He's not on the schedule at all. Sorry, Jaycee."

Jaycee clenched her jaw. If he wasn't here, there was only one other place he could be.

She tore out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell, heading straight towards the Ravine, but after an hour of searching, he wasn't there either. Neither was Jay.

That asshole. She was ready to apologize, and he had the audacity to lie to her?

She punched Spinner's number into her phone with furious fingers as she drove. She called him once, twice, three, __ _four_ times within a minute, his phone going straight to voicemail every time. Cars packed the driveway of his apartment complex, taking up the entire parking lot and spilling onto the street. His car was in his assigned spot. What the actual fuck, Spinner? Jaycee walked with purpose, fire igniting her steps as she trekked up the stairs to his apartment, cursing under her breath. The door swung open without her having to unlock it, seeing the faces of people she had never met in his living room. Not one of their friends was there; no Marco, no Jimmy, no one. She pushed her way through the throng of drunkards until she saw Spin standing over the curved island countertop. He had withdrawn himself from the crowd, nursing a bottle of tequila, arm resting on the stereo blasting Kid Elrick.

Though her insides were bubbling over with anger and his deceit, that icky feeling in the pit of her stomach was quelled by the fact she'd reduced him to a pathetic alcoholic, rather than a cheater. She darted between a couple dancing, almost booty bumped to the floor, to meet him where he stood. Her energy was familiar right away, and Spinner noticed her nose crinkle the way it did when she was mad. She was aching to cause a scene, swear words at the ready, composure nearly lost. She opened her mouth to speak but Spinner set the glass bottle down, motioning for her to follow him outside. He didn't take her hand, didn't try to kiss up with his tail between his legs as he normally would when facing Jaycee's wrath.

The night air had a chill to it as Spinner closed the door behind them. Dizzy for a moment, he locked his eyes at a bottle cap on the ground, willing himself sober before he looked her dead in the face. "Jaycee. We need to break up."

Break….up? His words knocked the wind out of her, and she had to put a hand on the stair railing to steady herself. Break up? "Gavin…" his name was weak leaving her mouth, "We can fix this. I-I came here to apologize."

His face didn't falter. He was sick of her apologies. There was so much more he wanted to say, but tonight he was over the situation and over her. They could talk it out tomorrow. Or not. In his intoxicated state, he truly did not care. This morning, although happy, was a breaking point. He couldn't go on, pretending Jaycee hadn't been cold to him throughout the whole ordeal. He refused to brush past it and put on a happy face the way Jaycee had expected him too. He decided to let her drown in his words, going back inside.

Rowdy Jaycee refused to give him that satisfaction. And suddenly, they were back at lockers in Degrassi, Jaycee chasing an angry Spinner to hear her out; that was the entire cycle of their relationship. She chased him through the crowd, bombarding him with 'why's. She had something worth fighting for, god damnit, and he was going to listen. "We're not breaking up, Gavin. You're drunk. Tomorrow we're going to sit down and talk about this and work it out like adults."

It was so frightening to her how the tables had turned; how she was the one fighting for their relationship, how he was so ready to run. She was being manipulative and controlling, blaming his feelings on the alcohol. Pulling some Reed shit, she knew that. She knew but convinced herself it was for the greater good. Spinner, he was hers. She would push the issue until he snapped, but she wasn't going to be submissive to his demand of parting ways. She _loved_ him, and he loved her. "Come home, please. Come home and we can be better. _I_ can be better." Her voice was velvety, and almost lulled him as she tugged the bottle from his hands. "Spinner, I'm sorry."

"No, you're not. And that's the worst part." He didn't want to do this here, in front of everyone, but Jaycee wouldn't relent. She didn't give him an alternative. Jaycee ignored his voice rising as he continued his rant, looking for any indication he was considering her words. His face was guileless, words candid. "You _killed_ my kid, Jaycee. You killed my kid, and you don't even care! I bent over backwards for you after the miscarriage and you never once asked me how I felt. I get it, you don't care about our baby, but I do. You're heartless and I can't deal anymore." He realized all eyes were on him, but he felt so liberated talking down to her that it didn't bother him. Spinner had always tried not to be repugnant, especially after Jimmy. He didn't like to hurt people, but he rarely had a chance to assert himself around her. She was his weakness but going through hell for her with not so much as a thank you was taxing. Jaycee was a monster, and she needed to fucking know. "Go home, Jaycee. Don't call me, don't text me, we're done, and I mean it." Whispers started picking up in the background and since he was already on a tirade, he may as well make everyone a target. "I don't know what you're all staring at. Get out of my house before I call the cops."

Instead of heeding his words, she paced the floor of her bedroom, longing for him to return one of her calls. It was the first time in her life she could say that she's been in this situation; begging for someone back. Reed was a heartbreak and a half, but they broke up, she walked with her held head high and a fuck you, adios attitude.

She stared at her phone for hours, jumping out of her skin at every notification; weather update, a text reminder to pay her phone bill, a My Room notification. All useless and filling her with false hope. When it dawned on her that he was serious, she curled up in the crisp sheets of her bed and cried. It wasn't a very Jaycee thing to do but no one could see her anyway.


	24. Broken Girls, Broken Boys

**A/N: Hello! Sorry to throw everyone off last chapter. Given my absence, I figured it best to speed things up, if you will. I'm glad to see some of you are still with me, and again have to apologize for not making with the happy, quicker. It WILL get better, I swear, but you know Jaycee has to learn things the hard way. Anyways, I'll quit blabbering and get on with chapter 24 of SSM. This chapter is called Medicate, in which we see Jaycee dealing with the aftermath of her break up with Spinner.**

Gavin came early the next morning to collect his things. Jaycee hid under the comforter like a coward. Hearing every movement, she couldn't ascertain if he chose not to talk because he was serious with his words, or because he was hung over.

Both, probably. Jaycee, despite not indulging, had somewhat of a hangover herself. Heartbreak, hangover; there's not much of a difference. Both incite feelings of regret and a killer headache from dehydration. Gavin Mason, in all his goofy majesty, taught her the meaning of love, it was only inevitable that he would teach her the meaning of loneliness.

The kind he would come to show her, though, was new. Jaycee had always been content to be alone, independent and freed by the lack of companionship. This was the type of loneliness advice columnists wrote in Cosmopolitan magazine, and she could relate to those God awful emo quotes that were constantly plastered all over her MyRoom feed. The kind that made one appreciate sad poetry or listen to sad songs on repeat to further drown in self-pity.

She was a loser.

When he left, she surveyed her apartment. Almost nothing has changed but the absence of him hung heavy in the atmosphere. Emptiness was the new ambience of the Osbourne household. He took just about everything he owned but left their pictures hanging on the wall. A lesser Jaycee would have torn them down, stomped up the glass, but she left them as is. You know, to wallow in pity, and all that. She'd rolled her eyes at enough break up blogs to know that it was part of the process. She paced her home, taking in what remained of her shattered relationship.

Oh, God. How was she going to explain all of this to Bentley? She glanced in his room, taking a peek at her sweet boy, still tuckered out from a night with mom number two. Jaycee banished the thought to the darkest corners of her mind. Unable to stomach the thought of explaining Spin's absence to Bentley, she turned on the tv in living room. Background noise to drown out her thoughts.

" _Are you tired of having more lids than storage containers? Tire no more!"_

Jaycee closed her eyes at the voice-over, cognizant of the fact this heartbreak would be forever daunting. Shit. She clicked the television off, pacing her house one more time. She couldn't be mad. Exerting any other emotion besides the inexplicable sadness and denial currently rotting her body was exhausting.

This was his fault. Yes, yes, it had to be. He had to charm is way into her life, he had to keep pushing. He knew what she was like. She made it _radically_ clear, but he thought he could be the exception. His affinity for broken girls had been his demise.

Her pacing landed her in her bathroom, where the countertop had been hauntingly clear. Spin had always been the vain one in the relationship. His side was cluttered with various hair gels, after shaves, colognes. The scent of her favorite on still lingered, and unwillingly, she pressed her nose into the counter to inhale. Like some sort of weirdo with a fetish, but she didn't cringe at her actions. Tears pressed into her lashes, blurring the world around her. Jaycee, who had learned to cry in silence and with style, was hollow.

She willed herself up, covering the trail of salt water with a milky moisturizer. Being wrapped in the comfort of a relationship, she'd let herself go. A cluster of zits on her chin, slight weight gain on her stomach and thighs. Self-love comes second when true love comes first.

What a fucking waste. Crying over a boy when she should be crying over her skin. And a miscarriage. And a break up. And no father figure for her son. And fucking everything.

Everything was a wreck, and she was out of her comfort zone.

She needed her best friend.

Liberty arrived a few hours later, Mexican take out in hand. Gobs of it. Liberty laid it out on the living room table, Styrofoam boxes over lapping. But all the Mexican food in the world couldn't cheer Jaycee up right now.

"What happened, Jace? You and Spin were holding things together so well."

Jaycee shook her head, staring into her refried beans as if they held the answer to everything. "The day it happened, everything was fine. He held me like he used to for this time in weeks, then everything went to shit. He's been drinking or at the Ravine almost nightly, he was hiding empty beer bottles I broke _every single rule_ for him, Libs. I dropped my guard, everything he does reminds me of Reed. Everything I love about him, our relationship, I felt it slipping through my fingers and I can't stand it." She confessed, drawing in a sharp breath to control her tears.

"He lost a child, Jaycee. His child. I know he loves Bentley like his own but this loss...it's different for him."

"I lost a child, too, Liberty. I bled, I cried, I was the one in that operating room, getting what was left of our kid sucked out of me with a god damn vacuum but I'm not looking for comfort in the bottom of a bottle. I've lived this life before and I cannot do it again." This time she was in tears, choking on her own words. "I'm living the same reality as him but I'm keeping myself together because that's what you do when you have a kid."

Liberty removed her hand from Jaycee's knee, preparing herself for the painful truth Jaycee needed to hear. "You both lost something that day. Jaycee, don't play the 'my struggle is worse than his' game. It's not cute. What you had to go through was undoubtedly hard but you are not the only one affected by this. To ask—to expect— Spinner to grieve in the same way that you are, it's too much to ask."

Jaycee threw her fork into her rice, feeling forsaken by Liberty's comment, "What the fuck, Liberty? You're my friend, you're supposed to be on my side! I'm not in the wrong here, he is. He's the one throwing his life away."

"I'm _always_ on your side, but Jaycee, the way you handled it _was_ wrong. If you came here and expected me to agree with you, you know I'm not that person. Gavin is not Reed, Jaycee. Any time you guys have problems, you equate him to Reed to justify your anger. You have got to stop that. Yeah, Reed sucked. He was a dick but Spinner has proven himself to be the opposite in every way. You have to fix things, Jaycee. He deserves it."

Jaycee sneered at her comment, "I fucking tried Liberty, and he ended it. There's nothing left to fix. I'm going to have to transfer schools. I can't see him next year."

As Jaycee droned on, it became apparent why Spinner snapped. All Jaycee did was run. Gavin's anger was palpable, but she would not abandon Jaycee. Not to say Spinner abandoned her; he was simply in survival mode. Tough love was Liberty's specialty, though. "That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard. You're not transferring schools, Jace. You're going to deal with this." She paused, looking at Jaycee with the utmost seriousness. "Jaycee, I can't be your voice of reason all the time. Just do the right thing."

There'd been something that attracted her to Jaycee since the moment she stepped into Degrassi. It was obvious, and pointed out many times by Gavin, but she and Jaycee were kindred spirits. The same person, though put through different struggles. Within her struggle, she recognized parts of Jaycee in herself on a personal level—the person she briefly became after J.T.'s passing. Blaming everyone but herself, lashing out at the wrong people, living in denial. In the same breath, she saw a reflection of herself in Gavin, too. Drinking, clinging to something that was fleeting quickly. To see herself so personally in two people she loved dearly was haunting.

"You're defending him a lot for someone who claims to be on my side. You didn't even _like_ Gavin until we started dating. I tried to do the right thing. I tried and he left, end of story. I can see how you'd think I'm being a bitch. Completely get it. And I am, but I know Gavin's future better than he ever will. He's spiraling, there's nothing I can do to help him." Her tone was confident, and Liberty was truly bewildered how she could stand behind a statement so bold and utterly stupid.

"Jaycee. _Stop._ You're both victims in this situation but you? You're playing the victim card too hard. For as close as we've grown, I've grown _that_ much closer to Gavin as well. He tells me things, Jaycee. _I_ was the shoulder he cried on; _I_ was the one who held him together while you were acting like this loss didn't happen. All he expected of you was to ask how he felt. I'm willing to support both of you but he shouldn't have had to come to me, Jaycee. That broke him, crying to me instead of his girlfriend. Conversations that should have been had with you, were had with me; that's an awful thing to feel. I shouldn't have to come to these realizations for you."

Jaycee sat, tonguing the roof of her mouth for a response but came up empty. She squirmed on the couch, shrinking into herself.

She was despicable, and her Mexican food was going to waste.


End file.
